State officials have notified retired pro wrestler Mary Thorn of Lakeland, Fla., that, according to the law, her pet alligator Rambo has grown to 6 feet in length and therefore may no longer be kept at home unless Thorn provides at least 2 1/2 acres of roaming space. She made a public plea in March, warning that the confiscation of Rambo would kill him, as he is super-sensitive to sunlight (having been raised inside her home). She said Rambo must wear clothes and sunscreen when it’s outside. Thorn pointed out he’s “potty-trained” and wags his tail when he needs to go out. At press time, the investigation of Rambo was still ongoing.
Those Riding Mowers Are Just Hard To Blow Up
David Presley, of Walton County, Ga., 32, tried to blow up his riding mower by placing three pounds of the chemical mixture Tannerite in it and then shooting the mower with a semiautomatic rifle. He was standing 30 yards away. Shrapnel hit him, severing his leg just below the knee.
Nice Tries
— Benjamin Grafius, 39, who was charged with several instances of indecent exposure to Amish people near New Holland, Penn., told police he targeted them because he thought they would not use phones to call police.
— Valerie Godbout, 33, a Montreal resident who was visiting Orlando, was charged with drug possession after being pulled over for erratic driving. She told the officer she was on the wrong side of the road because that’s the way traffic works in Canada. (It’s not.)
— In Portsmouth, England, Emily Davis, 21, who was caught by police displaying her recently deceased grandmother’s handicap-parking badge in her vehicle, explained that she was merely “using it in her honor.”
Loud, Louder, Loudest
After months of neighbors’ complaints about loud music, police raided Michael Baker’s small one-bedroom apartment in Croydon, England. They confiscated 34 loudspeakers that Baker had allegedly been using at high volume at “all hours.” After entering the home with the aid of a locksmith, police left Baker with nothing but a CD player and a pair of earphones.
New World Order
In March, Foreign Policy magazine noted that someone had created a “hot male migrants” account on the photo-sharing application Instagram: “Someone is going through photos of migrants and refugees, saving ones of men thought of as hot.” Many of the men have, of course, survived harrowing journeys and lost friends and family members while fleeing Syria and other war-torn lands. Wrote one Instagram user, of a man who had turned her head, “He’s gorgeous. Am I going to hell for thinking that?”
The Defense Attorney Rests
Nicholas Ragin finally got his conviction overturned in March. But it took 10 years before the U.S. Court of Appeals declared that his “right to counsel” had been violated because his lawyer slept during parts of Ragin’s conspiracy and racketeering trial. His sentence had 20 more years to run before it was overturned. One juror later recalled that lawyer Nikita Mackey slept “almost every day, morning and evening” for “30 minutes at least.” Once, according to court documents, after the trial judge called Mackey’s name loudly, Mackey “jumped up and sort of looked around and was licking his lips … and looked sort of confused.” The prosecutor said she intends to retry Ragin.
Ironies
— Ervin Brinker, 68, the CEO of the Summit Pointe health care provider in Michigan, pleaded guilty to Medicaid fraud and was sentenced to 32 months in prison. He had embezzled $510,000 in mental health payments and spent it all on a Florida fortune teller.
— Two of the three candidates for the Republican nomination for county property appraiser in Erwin, Tenn., died before the November, 2015, election, leaving Rocky McInturff the only surviving candidate. However, he wound up being ineligible for the nomination, because he lost badly to one of the two dead candidates on election day.
Questionable Judgments
The Canadian supermarket chain Sobeys has recently been selling pre-cut avocado halves, sealed in plastic. Said a spokesman, the product “eliminates the guesswork … if you are not familiar with peeling and seeding a fresh avocado.” Also, recently, Whole Foods began selling peeled mandarin oranges, sealed in “recyclable” plastic, at $5.99 a pound. However, the chain withdrew the product in March, with an apology and promise to sell the oranges only in their “natural packaging: the peel.”
Fine Points Of The Law
Joe Vandusen said he has had no contact whatsoever with his estranged wife for “16 or 17 years,” and that both had long ago moved on to other relationships. Vandusen currently lives with a woman, raising his two children and her two as well. Nonetheless, Vandusen’s “real” wife recently gave birth, from another father. Without claiming Vandusen to be the father, she filed in February for child support from him. In the Vandusens’ home state of Iowa (as in many states), Vandusen must pay, regardless of the results of any DNA test unless he gets an expensive court order to “de-establish paternity.”
Bright Ideas
North Carolina State University scientists claim they have found a promising alternative for eliminating certain infections even when no known antibiotic will work. The solution, the researchers say, is to genetically modify maggots so that they gobble up the infections and release, as waste, human growth hormone. In a study, the researchers showed this could be done with a strain of green bottle fly maggots.
Least Competent Criminals
Massachusetts state troopers initially found a few drug items in a search of the vehicle of Carrie Tutsock, 24, at a traffic stop along Interstate 91 near Hatfield, Mass. The items included three drug pipes, a couple of syringes and several baggies of drugs. Police began to write the report for a “possession” case. But en route to the state police barracks, a trooper said he overheard one suspect whisper to another, “I don’t think they found all the stuff in the car.” The police searched the vehicle again. This time they found three digital scales that had white residue and 230 baggies of heroin. The charges were upped to “intent to distribute.”
The Power Of Precedent
Dept. of Veterans Affairs employee Elizabeth Rivera, 39, was fired after her arrest for armed robbery. When she was sentenced to mere probation, an arbitrator ordered the VA to rehire her and give her the back pay she would have earned while she was sitting in jail awaiting trial. Rivera’s union had demanded the reinstatement without salary penalty because the same Puerto Rico VA office had earlier hired a convicted sex offender. Also, the office’s hospital director, recently charged with DUI and drug possession, avoided VA discipline because of technicalities about the traffic stop.
Undignified Death
A 25-year-old off-duty New York City police officer was killed on a highway near Elizabeth, N.J., in March. According to the police report, the officer had rear-ended another car and had gotten out to “discuss” the matter. He suddenly drew his service revolver and started threatening the driver in a road-rage tone of voice. As the officer backed up while pointing the gun, a passing driver struck him in what turned out to be a fatal accident.
Least Competent Criminals
Albuquerque police encountered Leonard Lopez, 26, inside a Chevy Cobalt car that was not his after neighbors reported a man screaming inside a car and flashing the car’s headlights. Police found a panicked Lopez upside down, with his feet on the dashboard and his head and shoulders wedged under the steering wheel, hands and arms tucked inside his sweatshirt. He was charged with burglary, and police guessed he was going through opiate withdrawal.
Another Way To Tell Whether You’re DUI
Maryann Christy, 54, was arrested in Roselle, Ill., when police spotted her driving through town with a 15-foot-tall tree firmly lodged in the grille of her car, sticking straight up. She was apparently too intoxicated to recall where she acquired the tree or how long ago she had done so.
Peak Truck Spill Karma
On Interstate 95 near Melbourne, Fla., two tractor-trailers collided, spilling their contents on the road. One truck was carrying Busch beer and the other various Frito-Lay products.
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