LET IT GO

Dear Dr. Archer,

I have clinical depression, which comes and goes, and it’s being treated. I also see a therapist. In fact, I’m one, myself.

I know what I have to do, but I simply can’t eradicate the pain in my heart from my divorce, and my broken connection to my ex husband. I’m now an empty nester, as well.

Some folks never move on. I realize that I must first be happy with myself, but I guess perhaps I never was in the first place. I’ve had happy moments, but they don’t last. Mostly, they come when I’m in a relationship, but those moments are like a band-aide. When the relationships end, the pain returns.

I don’t expect an answer here. I’m just telling my story.

Judy

Dear Judy,

Your pain comes across loud and clear. After the death of a loved one, divorce is the next most traumatic event one can experience — and that’s regardless of who instigated the proceedings.

The pain can linger for years. The amount of time it takes to recover and move on isn’t determined so much by how much you loved your husband, but rather the ability to look at your situation and life with a positive attitude, and focus on the future. If you stay mired in the past, things will never get better.

Not every marriage will make it “‘til death do you part.” You know what you need to do, and there comes a time that, for your own well being, you must do it. It’s time to let it go and to be kind to yourself.

No one can make the best of their future, if they don’t face forward. Keep looking back, and you will never advance.

I’m sure you know the Serenity Prayer. Print it, and put it up in several places where you can see it, recite it and memorize it. Accept those things you cannot change. It doesn’t mean everything is going to be perfect, because it won’t be. This is life; it’s never perfect. But you can see beyond life’s imperfections, and see, appreciate, and be thankful for all the good.

Many times, the best way to help yourself is to help others. Divorce is painful. Instead of continuing to nurse your pain, invest in it. Use it to become a better person. Use it to support others who might be going through the same thing you’ve gone through.

This is nothing anyone can do for you, but something you must do for yourself. Those things you have no control over? Let them go. Let go of the past. Define what you want your life to be; write it down, if you have to. Set goals, and do what you must to attain those goals.

You’re right in saying that you need to like yourself first. Self esteem is a must. Stop criticizing yourself. If you have a habit of putting yourself down, make a conscious effort to stop. Think of ways to improve your life. Your children have flown the nest; start doing things you enjoy. Take up a hobby or two; take community classes; join a prayer group — whatever you would like.

Be grateful for everything you have in life. Be thankful for the strengths and gifts you share with others. You’re capable of making a difference in others’ lives, so why not your own?

Appreciate where you are, and appreciate all the positive aspects that will bring you to a better life. It is possible. Keep up with your doctor, and continue the therapy. Change your attitude and thoughts, and see the future become self-fulfilling. I wish you much success.

Dear Dr. Archer,

I’m a young lady in the media industry. As far as my career is concerned, I feel like I’m not making progress. I write articles for a weekly newspaper, and I’m often told I’m a good writer. The thing is, I don’t have the drive to wake up in the morning and do something productive. I don’t feel excited about life, or motivated to do something great.

I feel like a loser, compared to my peers. I feel they’ve accomplished more, while I have very little to show for my seven years in journalism. I’m always criticizing myself for not being driven when it comes to my career. 

How do I get motivated? I feel passive and inactive all the time. I’ve tried motivational books, and I get motivated for a little while, but I fall back into the same cycle.  

How do other people my age do it so well and confidently? I know people don’t get promoted overnight, and must work their way up, but the thought of that scares me. As a result, any workplace scares me.

I’ve never heard of anyone else with this specific fear, and people look at me in a weird way when I tell them about my phobia. It makes me think I’m weird, or lack the intelligence to have a successful career. They can’t relate when I tell them I have a fear of failing to deliver at work.

The thing is, this fear doesn’t help me perform better. Just the opposite. It takes away from my concentration and makes me feel useless, and I end up being afraid to try new responsibilities that have to do with my growth.

I recently went to a job interview at a reputable newspaper in my area. They seemed satisfied with me, as I appeared confident and knew what I was talking about. They said they’d call me in the coming weeks. Now I keep getting the familiar feeling that I will fail to perform and disappoint them.

I want this job so badly, but I’m afraid I won’t meet their expectations, due to my passive and slow nature. I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but I’d like your advice on how to get rid of this phobia and become confident in my work. I’m confident in interactions with other people socially, just not in my career, and I don’t know why.

Megan

Dear Megan,

My initial impression of your personality is that you are a person who always sees the glass as half empty. You are clearly a bright and educated woman, with at least some success in your chosen field. But rather than recognizing that, you compare yourself to others that appear to be more successful.

I believe that we are taught early in life to either believe in ourselves or to doubt ourselves, and this is difficult “programming” to overcome.

Your fears have evolved into what I call “catastrophizing.” You see life and career opportunities as events to reaffirm your negative beliefs, and thereby sabotage yourself. Because of this, I don’t think you have a phobia, but you may have a fear of success. Success can be just as challenging as a loss.

Stop comparing yourself to others, and start practicing positive self- statements. Norman Vincent Peale said it well: “Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers, you cannot be successful or happy.”

You will continue to have successes and disappointments, as long as you live. Celebrate your successes, and learn from your mistakes. Good luck.

Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and is the author of the New York Times bestselling book Better than Normal. 

Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.