Ion Productions of Cincinnati is eager to sell “the world’s first commercially available hand-held flamethrower.” It’s the XM42, which shoots 25-foot flames and costs around $800. Ion touted the device’s uses, saying it was good at “killing insects,” “eliminating weeds between pavement cracks,” “melting snow,” and “entertaining friends.” The company assured potential buyers that portable flamethrowers are less regulated than handguns. And in fact, only California and Maryland legislators, and a few city or county officials, appear to be on top of the issue of personal flame-throwers.
Super-Protective Parenting
Standardized placement exams typically determine student success to a much greater degree in Asian countries than they do in the United States. In March, in some testing centers in India’s Bihar state, rampant cheating reached the degree that it became grotesque. Dozens of parents were seen climbing outside walls of one center to pass answers and notes to the students. The week-long secondary school exams of 1.4 million students saw 400 students expelled, nine bags of cheat sheets confiscated and seven parents arrested. Officials admitted that their security forces were overmatched by parents desperate to help their children.
Can’t Possibly Be True
According to the mayor of Rio de Janeiro, it appears that some of the 2016 Summer Olympics aquatic events will take place among raw sewage in Guanabara Bay. Mayor Eduardo Paes noted to the Associated Press that the events are scheduled for the “cleanest part” of the bay. To acquire the games, organizers had promised a massive cleanup. But now, with 500 days to go, Paes conceded that the goals will not be met.
Compelling Explanations
According to the 17-year-old bicyclist who was broadsided by a motorist at rush hour in Sheffield, England, a woman got out of the car that struck him in order to help. However, when she saw the extent of the cyclist’s injuries, she apologized and walked away, telling the sprawled-out victim that her children were in the car and would be “scared” to see all the blood. She then proceeded to drive them to school. Witnesses provided a description of the vehicle, but the hit-and-run driver was still at large at press time.
Awesome!
Chicago’s WGN-TV was forced to apologize for beginning its “Morning Show” with a circus performer who took a power saw to a metal box affixed to her crotch. Shana Vaughan-Gabor, of the Cirque De La Femme, created a dazzling shower of sparks, provoking the male host to first demand that the camera cut away. However, he said, “I’ve been waiting my whole life to meet a woman like this.” In the follow-up segment, a group of children who had witnessed the scene used descriptions like “creepy” and “stinky.” Vaughan-Gabor later urged the station to “save the children from boring entertainment.”
Wait, What?
Three years ago, an unarmed man, suspected of no crime, was shot 16 times by police while he was lying in his bed. He told a Seattle Times reporter in March that he bears no ill will for the cops who shot him. Said Dustin Theoharis, now 32, “Sometimes police make mistakes.” Theoharis was napping in a friend’s house in Puyallup, Wash., when police arrived to arrest the friend’s son. When Theoharis reached for his ID, one officer imagined he saw a gun; both officers opened fire, hitting Theoharis in the jaw, both upper arms, both lower arms, wrist, hand, shoulder, abdomen and both legs. He spent months in a hospital and skilled nursing facility. Today he is largely immobile and unable to work. He won legal settlements totaling $5.5 million, but one-third went to lawyers. Much of the rest has paid for medical bills.
— Several theaters in Denmark reported in March that they had begun adding subtitles — to Danish-language films. Many customers had complained that the dialogue in the films was incomprehensible. Apparently, spoken Danish is harder to understand than the written version. Copenhagen’s website The Local reported that actors had rebelled at improving their diction, claiming that their “mumbling” adds “realism” to the films.
— Major League pitcher Max Scherzer, who is new to the Washington Nationals, informed manager Matt Williams that he requires assistance when he warms up during daily practice sessions. He spoke of the importance of simulating actual game conditions. Scherzer said that since he is a starting pitcher, he needs someone to stand beside him and hum “The Star-Spangled Banner” before he begins his practice pitching.
The Big Dog Of Jailhouse Attorneys
In March, the Administrative Office of the Courts revealed a slight increase in federal litigation in 2014. However, there was a much larger increase in prisoner lawsuits. Leading the upturn was Dale Maisano, 63, who is serving 15 years for aggravated assault. Last year alone, he filed 3,613 cases concerning his Florence, Ariz., facility. In his previous prison stints, Maisano filed 6,076 complaints against various officials and prison system health-care providers. In a 2014 USA Today report, Maisano volunteered that he “could use some mental health help.”
Unclear On The Concept
— In March, the investment bank Credit Suisse Group AG agreed to pay $16.25 million to settle a client’s charges that Credit Suisse gave faulty investment advice on two acquisitions by Freeport-McMoRan. (Freeport-McMoRan is one of the world’s largest producers of copper and gold.) According to a Wall Street Journal report, Freeport will receive only $10 million. It agreed to accept the remaining amount of compensation for Credit Suisse’s faulty advice in $6.25 million worth of future investment advice.
— Some states that rushed to enact systems to evaluate schoolteachers by the test scores of their students left the details of such regimens for later. This practice has resulted in such absurdities as the case in which Washington, D.C., public school custodians and lunchroom workers were evaluated by student test scores in English and math. In March, a New York public school art teacher, writing in The Washington Post, complained that his “effective” rating had dropped to “developing” simply because his school’s student math score had fallen. Furthermore, since he is now “developing,” he must file plans for improving his performance. For example, he must explain how he can raise math scores of students he never even sees in his art class.
Least Competent Criminals
— Surveillance cameras revealed a man with a gun inside the Circle K in Palm Bay, Fla., on Jan. 31. Since the clerk was in the back, with the cash register locked, the man decided to wait for him. But, according to the video, he waited only 17 seconds then fled empty-handed.
— According to a February Ormond Beach, Fla., police report, Matthew Semione, 26, handed a hold-up note that implied he was armed to a Sun Trust bank teller, who walked away to get money. He grew weary of waiting and left empty-handed. Minutes later, he was arrested.
The Importance Of Family
On Feb. 9, a single traffic stop in Alderson, W.V., resulted in the arrest of six people from the same family. They were charged with trafficking in stolen power tools. They included one man who traded a leaf blower, hedge trimmer and weed trimmer for Percocet pills. A month later, members of another family were caught in raids in Elyria, Ohio. Officers from three jurisdictions arrested 34 people — all related to each other — in connection with a $400,000 drug operation.
Seriously, Dude?
When Christopher Wallace was being sought in connection with a January burglary, he went to his home in Fairfield, Maine. He posted on the Snapchat site that he was there. Police arrived. During their canvass, they noticed a brand-new Snapchat post from Wallace in which he wrote that police were in his home at that very moment, searching for him, but he had hidden from them in a cabinet. Police opened the cabinet and arrested him.
Government In Action
— In March, in Maitland, Fla., a long line started forming at midnight. Dozens of people were waiting for coveted visitor passes just to speak to an IRS agent. The passes are the results of budget cuts and personnel reductions, which have limited services. “I just came here to verify my identity,” said one frustrated taxpayer, who arrived at 8 am only to learn he would not be served that day. The agency said its budget had been cut by $1 billion since the congressional “sequestration” in 2011.
— Canada’s Department of Veterans Affairs requires any vet receiving disability benefits to have a doctor recertify the condition annually. That is required even for people like Afghan war double-leg amputee Paul Franklin. He complained to Canadian Broadcasting Corp. News in March that he had been harshly threatened with loss of benefits if he failed to file. The department told CBC News that it might perhaps relax the certification requirement to “every third year.”
The Continuing Crisis
— While thousands of Japanese women accept commercial pornographic movie roles, only 30 males are available to work with them. The undisputed king of Japanese porn, Shimiken, 35, is in such demand that he works on as many as six movies a day and has few days off. According to a March profile in Details magazine, his oeuvre includes 7,000 films, with at least 7,500 co-stars, including, once, 72-year-old twins. To maintain his vigor, he hits the gym fanatically and downs mineral supplements and complex amino acids — but no Viagra.
— In Colorado’s efforts to improve mass murderer James Holmes’ chances of getting a fair trial, officials have called more than 9,000 people in the process of jury selection. The 9,000 had to complete a lengthy questionnaire. Many of them went through individual interrogation, and many appeared for follow-up screening. Among the prospects the judge encountered was one man who was skeptical about the death penalty except in the case of a “zombie apocalypse.” Said Judge Carlos Samour, Jr., “You meet some interesting people in this job.”
Perspective
Lawyers Brendan and Nessa Coppinger live in a Washington, D.C., row house next door to a tobacco user, whose smoke seeps into their unit. The Coppingers have filed a $500,000 lawsuit against the neighbor. However, the anti-corruption website Republic Report found that one of Nessa Coppinger’s clients is Suncoke Energy, which is being sued by four Ohio residents who allege that Suncoke does to them what Coppinger’s neighbor does to her. Suncoke’s “clouds or haze,” contain particulates of lead, mercury, arsenic, chromium, creosote, coal tar pitch and other dangerous substances that allegedly threaten the neighbors’ health and property values.
Quintessential Australia
— At first, the Simoneau family, who live in a town near Australia’s Sunshine Coast, thought the three-foot-long snake they had found was harmless. But as they kept looking at it, they eventually began to realize it was one of Australia’s gigantic earthworms.
— Dogs and cats, as well as wild animals searching for food, sometimes show up with their heads caught in fences, buckets or food containers. If they are to avoid starvation, they need to be freed by helpful human beings. In a suburb of Adelaide, in March, a deadly Eastern brown snake needed similar aid. Its head was stuck in a beer can.
Marketing Challenges
— Burger King Japan commenced an April rollout of Burger King cologne, which mimics the Whopper’s “flame-grilled scent.” Early reviews were favorable, even though the launch date was April 1.
— A small Virginia defense contractor won a $7 million job to help Pentagon analysts sift through supercomputer research. According to the industry watchdog Defense One, the firm has decided to stick with its long-original name: Isis Defense.
Weird News Classic
The price tags were high in the summer of 2010 when commodes belonging to two creative giants went on sale. In August, a gaudily designed toilet from John Lennon’s 1969-71 residence in Berkshire, England, fetched 9,500 pounds at a Liverpool auction. And a North Carolina collectibles dealer opened bids on the toilet of reclusive author J.D. Salinger from his home in Cornish, N.H. The dealer’s initial price was $1 million. He said, “who knows how many of Salinger’s stories were thought up and written while he sat on this throne.”
Comments are closed.