Michael Kurth Saturday, December 21, 2013 0

Christmas is just around the corner, and Santas are making out their lists of toys and gifts. Here are some items I think would make great gifts. But you won’t find them on any store shelves.

If you know someone who lost their healthcare insurance because it didn’t conform to government-mandated coverage, you might want to give them an Obamacare Emergency Medical Kit. It comes with a medical encyclopedia, plastic stethoscope, Q-tips, tweezers, rubber gloves and a doctor’s white surgical gown. All this is packed in a professional-looking black medical case made of high-density plastic capable of withstanding trampling by a herd of crazed elephants. Instructions for your new kit can be downloaded next Christmas from

If you are looking for dolls, you might consider the Miley Cyrus Dress-up Doll. It comes with, well, not much. But your special little girl will have hours of fun watching the former Hanna Montana bump, grind, twerk and stick out her tongue. There’s also a Smiley Miley version, but it’s legal only in Colorado.

Want something more traditional?  Dust off a place on your mantle for the Hillary and Bill Collector Edition Coronation Set.  Popular a decade ago, this combo is made of non-stick Teflon and features Hillary in her trademark pantsuit and Bill in tuxedo under a banner reading “It’s My Turn Now.”

Then there’s the Sarah Palin Tea Party Set.  It comes in an attractive red, white and blue package. But some buyers have complained that many of the cups are cracked.

If you’re on a budget, you might take a look at the Paula Deen Kitchen Queen doll and play set. A top seller a year ago at $49.99, the set has been marked down to $2.99 for quick clearance.

For the sports enthusiasts in your family, there’s the LSU Fantasy Football Game. It lets you pit LSU against various SEC opponents, such as Alabama, Alabama or Alabama. The result is always the same: LSU wins 28 to 27 in the last seconds when a punt is returned 99 yards for a touchdown, and Nick Saban resigns in frustration. If you think this is boring because the outcome is always the same, well, you just don’t understand LSU football fans.

Another sports option this year is Barack’s Red-Line Football. This game combines the finesse of diplomacy with the brute force of pro football as a team of NFL players takes on the Syrian Nation Team coached by Vladimir Putin. The U.S. players remain in a huddle, calling the Syrians names and daring them to advance the ball across a “red line” 10 yards downfield. If Putin and his Syrians get organized and succeed, the red line is moved 10 yards further downfield, and the taunting resumes. This continues until the Syrians are about to score, at which point you unleash your NFL players, led by Ritchie Incognito and Aaron Hernandez, to beat the crap out of the Syrians. (Note: rumor has it that next year’s edition will replace the Syrians with the Iranian National Team).

For tech-savvy kids, there’s the new NSA Spy Kit. It teaches your child how to hack into computers, secretly turn on your neighbor’s web cam to watch their teenage daughter, record others’ phone calls, and track the movement of automobiles and cell phones. Just imagine how thrilled your kids will be to listen in on the private conversations of their favorite movie stars or political leaders around the globe!

Interested in the use of technology to enhance your personal life? For insomniacs, there’s the Obama Dream Machine: it lulls you into a stupor with soft-spoken visions of world peace, green energy, healing the earth, racial harmony and free medical care.

Have trouble getting the final word in an argument? Then you need the Rand Paul Filibuster Coffee Maker: just turn it on, pour yourself a cup of coffee and glare at your adversaries as it spews random information for hours and hours until they walk away muttering “screw you.”

Want to avoid someone?  Then you need the Mary Landrieu Emergency Warning Wristwatch. Enter the phone number of the persons with whom you don’t want to be seen, and it emits a loud beeping noise whenever they’re within a mile of you. (It comes pre-programmed with the president’s phone number.)

Tired of spending hundreds of dollars on stamps to mail out Christmas cards? The Anthony Weiner “Selfie” Cell Phone App makes it a snap to send personalized holiday greetings to all your family, friends and the hot chicks you meet in bars.

If you’re into parlor games, your Democrat friends are sure to enjoy playing “Pin the Blame on the Elephant,” while your Republican buddies will have hours of fun playing “Name that Scandal.”

Popular among Louisianans is “Where in the World Is Bobby Jindal?” in which players try to guess which primary state their governor is visiting.

If you want to break up a tea party, just pull out the IRS Truth or Audit game.

Finally, if you have undocumented friends, there’s the “Pathway to Citizenship” game, in which players roll the dice to avoid deportation while navigating their way through a bureaucratic maze that leads nowhere.

Know someone who enjoys reading?  You might want to pick up a copy of Bill O’Reilly’s new best-seller Killing Obamacare, Hillary Clinton’s book: Things That Don’t Matter: Like Bengazi, That B**** Monica and That Snake Obama, or Chris Christie’s new book Trampling Through the Tulips: Jersey Etiquette and Social Graces.

But whatever presents you decide to put in your sleigh this year, remember to promise your children that if they like their presents, they can keep their presents. Period. And if they like their Santa, they can keep their Santa, too. Well, as long as their Santa is politically correct, environmentally friendly, multilingual, doesn’t exploit animals like reindeer by making them pull a heavy sleigh at night, and has elves who belong to the toy-makers’ union.