By Stephanie Hayes
Here are some disclaimers from websites and businesses during the fourth wave of COVID-19. Please note:
Due to the virus, we are experiencing longer delivery times. Your item will arrive within one to 4,357 weeks, with an outside possibility it never comes at all.
Due to the virus, parts of your order may be different than what you selected. For example, if you purchased a showerhead, you might instead get a stuffed version of the 1980s TV alien, Alf.
Due to the virus,, there is no inventory whatsoever, but we request prepayment in full. We regret that we cannot offer refunds on nonexistent items.
Due to the virus, some amenities may be unavailable, including the breakfast buffet, cleaning services, gym, valet parking, beds, lightbulbs, toilet paper (throwback!), telephones, drapes and that smiling guy you keep seeing in the elevator who may or may not work in the hotel.
Due to the virus, our fleet of Boeing 717s is unavailable and has been replaced by the house with lots of balloons tied to it from the movie “Up.” Your balloon house flight may be delayed.
Due to the virus our entire staff has quit because their eyes have been opened to the brevity of life. Please try our jalapeno poppers.
Due to the virus, our next available appointment is in the year 10,191 on a desert planet filled with a rare and vital spice.
Due to the virus, interest rates are at historic lows, but we will only be extending refinance offers to three lucky winners of this Monopoly sticker game at McDonald’s.
Due to the virus, the drive-thru might be slower than usual. To be honest, our drive-thru was always slow because Carl is in charge, but now we have a reason that sounds better than, “Carl cannot be bothered to light a fire under it.”
Due to the virus, our fall pants stock is limited. However, we assure you that you cannot pull off those jeans.
Due to the virus, we are requiring proof of vaccination for dinner, and that’s to guarantee that the conversation won’t turn to theories about horse dewormer.
Due to the virus somehow still being a thing, this baby shower will be yet another drive-by event. Please throw gifts out the window and do not slow the car. We honestly prefer this to shower games.
Due to the virus, your tax refund has been reallocated for the White House Friday pizza fund.
Due to the virus, Florida will be instituting no changes and does not anticipate making any changes in the future. Thank you for cooperating with absolutely nothing.
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