When I woke up this morning, I found a soiled envelope that someone had slid under my door. It had a Mexican postmark, and inside was a handwritten note in Spanish signed “El Chapo.”
It claimed to be the transcript of a secret meeting between U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump and Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto that was held at the fugitive drug lord’s secret hideout deep in the Mexican mountains. I can’t vouch for its authenticity, but I thought I would share it with my readers. (Caution: political parody ahead; seek safe space if overly sensitive or easily offended.)
Trump: It is a pleasure to meet you, presidente. Here, I brought you an autographed copy of my book Crippled America. They say it’s No. 5 on the New York Times best-seller list, but it’s going to be No. 1. You know, I have a huge name and I’m No. 1 in the polls, so the book will have to be No. 1, unless they play with the numbers because, you know, the New York Times doesn’t like me.
Nieto: Thank you. I brought you an autographed copy of my book. Mexico, La gran Esperanza. In English, that means Mexico, the Great Hope.
Trump (examining the book): It probably won’t sell well. Obama already tried that hope and change thing and people are tired of it. Besides, it’s in Spanish. I employ thousands and thousands of Mexicans — they all love me — but I don’t speak Spanish and I think someone running for President should be a true American — not like Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio — and only read books written in English.
Nieto: You know, Mexico is also in America.
Trump: Yes, and I’m going to send them all back.
Nieto: No, I mean Mexico is on the North American continent, just like the United States. We are “Americans” just like you.
Trump: I know my geography; I have my 9th grade report card to prove it. Mexico is underneath us, it’s south of America. That’s why they call it South America. In America we speak English; in Mexico, you speak Spanish. It’s not the same. But even though you are Mexican and speak Spanish, you are a brilliant man. You have out-smarted and out-negotiated our government for years. I admire that.
Nieto: Thank you for your attempt at a compliment, but I …
Trump (interrupting): Don’t be modest. You get billions and billions of dollars from us each year, and what do we get? You send us your criminals, rapists and low-wage workers who steal our union jobs. Brilliant. But that is going to stop. I’m going to send all your people back and build a wall to keep them out.
Nieto: I have heard of your wall; it is an insult to humanity.
Trump: No, no. It will be amazing. You know it will be known throughout history as The Trump Wall, so it will have to be first-class. Everything I do is first-class. It will be a monument to me. George Washington — he was our first president, you know — what does he have? The Washington Monument. It looks like … well, I won’t say what it looks like, but I have hotels taller than the Washington Monument. My wall will be 3,000 miles long, and you are going to pay for it.
Nieto: Why should Mexico pay for such a monstrosity?
Trump: It won’t be a monstrosity. People travel from all around the world to see the Great Wall of China. I read somewhere it is the only human structure on earth that can be seen from the moon, and those sneaky, spying Chinese — they are not our friends — they make billions of dollars off it. Our dollars; U.S. dollars. Well, the Trump Wall will be bigger and grander. It will have a grand entrance — or rather a grand exit — and my name will be on it in huge lights. I want the lights big enough so my name can be seen from the moon. We have to be better than the Chinese.
Nieto: What will it look like from the Mexican side?
Trump: It will probably have a lot of graffiti on it … in Spanish, of course, so I really don’t care what it says.
Nieto: … And you want Mexico to pay for this?
Trump: Well, we’ll have Mexican workers build it. U.S. workers are too expensive; that’s why I employ thousands and thousands of Mexicans at my resorts, and they all love me for giving them jobs. But there won’t be any Mexican workers left in the U.S. because I am going to send them all home. So you can hire them to build the wall, and then they will love you for building this wall, just like they love me, and you can just keep part of their wages to pay for it.
Nieto: That wouldn’t be enough money. And what happens after the wall is built?
Trump: Look, I’ll give you the parking concession. We’ll have valet parking with a 3,000 mile-long parking lot on the Mexican side. Mexican boys can park the cars; I’m told the ones I’m sending back to Mexico speak pretty good English.
Nieto: What about food concessions?
Trump: You can have Taco stands. Americans love tacos. Maybe have your people wear sombreros while they are selling tacos. Perhaps a donkey here or there; you know, develop a Mexican theme.
Nieto: … and beer and margaritas? It gets hot along the border.
Trump: OK, OK. But that’s it. You’re driving such a hard bargain. That’s a compliment; you know. I wrote The Art of the Deal … I think it’s the second best-selling book ever, just behind The Bible. But I’m a generous man. Everybody says how generous I am, so I’ll let you sell beer and margaritas.
Nieto: What about my people? You are going to send all my drug dealers back, too. They are very good at digging tunnels.
Trump: You know, The Trump Tunnel has a nice ring to it. The British built a tunnel to France under the English Channel. They call it The Chunnel. That’s a dumb name; it sounds like something that Carly woman would think up. Maybe we could build the Trump Tunnel from Florida to Cuba; put a casino resort there. It’s only 90 miles away.
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