You may recall a headline that appeared in the last edition of “News Roundup” in Lagniappe (on Nov. 5). The headline read “City To Alter Bus Routes To Prepare For Growth.”
Oh, Lord, when are these local bus people going to quit making me write about them? I’m old and tired and I’ve been doing this for 15 years. Fifteen years is a long time for me to write and them to tweak.
In this story in the News Roundup, the routes of two bus lines were altered — ostensibly to prepare for the boom. That’s like preparing for the traffic on L.A.’s I-110 freeway by changing the surface streets on which you approach it.
What’s the real news story here? After all this time, the Lake Charles transit system still has just five routes and they all still quit running by 5:45 pm. And none of the routes runs at all — not for one second — during the entire weekend. It would be an inadequate bus system for Jennings or DeRidder; for a metro area of 200,000, it’s just … well, I can’t put that word in print.
As the fellow in Anchorman who loses both arms says, “Come on!” Local planners for the boom have told us the transit system will eventually be brought up to speed. There’ll never be a better opportunity. All we can do is ask once more that it finally happens.
You Are Really, Really Old
Ready to see the most precious moments of your youth turned into “collectible” knickknacks marketed to the geriatric consumer? Just keep reading.
Time-Life has just released the first products in its new “Spotlight Gallery,” which Time-Life calls a “new classic memorabilia division.” “New classic,” huh?
The first release in Time-Life’s new “memorabilia” line is a set of three vinyl albums along with lithographs of the album covers.
And which old-timer musicians are featured in this first Time-Life memorabilia release? Perry Como? Andy Williams? Maybe Robert Goulet?
How about the Rolling Stones? Yes, you read it right. Time-Life is inviting consumers to “help gift buyers get some satisfaction” with new “exclusive,” “one-of-a-kind” releases of Stones albums 12 X 5, Let It Bleed and Get Yer Ya-Yas Out.
Time-Life’s marketing copy for this “new classic” contains all the gimmicks and catch phrases that lure aging and aged couch potatoes into paying exorbitant prices for “collectible” gewgaws. The clear vinyl Stones records are “embossed,” “museum quality” and “hand-numbered.” Prints of the album cover art come with a “certificate of authenticity.”
But that’s not the best reason to call before midnight tonight. Time-Life tells you to grab the releases of these widely available recordings and the prints of their cover art because “there are ONLY 2,500 in existence.”
Why are there only 2,500 in existence? You’ll never guess. “The plates have already been destroyed and no more prints will ever be made.” (BTW, Time-Life is asking you to pay $200 for each print of each album cover. Ka-ching, as they say.)
Time-Life has committed this tasteless money grab with the help of the catalog of ABKCO Music & Records. So prepare for Time-Life “collectible memorabilia” editions of such acts as The Animals, Marianne Faithfull, The Kinks and Johnny Taylor. Oh, and AMKCO also has the rights to Alejandro Jodorowsky’s experimental film masterpieces El Topo and The Holy Mountain. So you can expect to see those sitting on the shelf right next to grandma’s Village Library from the Thomas Kinkade Winter Splendor Christmas Village.
You might want to warn grandma she shouldn’t shell out 200 bucks for a “one-of-a-kind” poster of El Topo. By the way, Poster Revolution will be happy to sell you a perfectly good 22 by 34 poster of the Stones’ cover for December’s Children for 10 bucks or a poster for the cover of Exile on Main Street in the same size for $30. And you can listen to any Rolling Stones album as many times as you like for zero dollars and zero cents at Spotify.com.
On The Campaign Trail
The Jindal presidential campaign used to send two or three campaign emails every day. When I saw that rate go down to one a week, I figured the J-man was about to pack it in.
Then I got three campaign emails on Nov. 3. It looks like the hometown least favorite is getting up and climbing back in the ring.
As you might expect, one of the emails contained something really funny. And by “really funny,” I mean incredibly deep and thought-provoking.
Team Jindal wrote that “Governor Jindal has a new suggestion – make intelligence part of the criteria for the next Republican presidential debate.”
Intelligent politicians! Great idea! Why didn’t I think of it?
Now, how do we measure the candidates’ intelligence? Have them take the SAT? Verbal or math or both? See how long it takes each candidate to read Ann Coulter’s book Adios American: The Left’s Plan To Turn Our Country Into A Third World Hellhole? Do a sudoku? Could we, maybe, just line up all the candidates and see which one can yell out “I’m smart!” the loudest?
According to Jindal, candidates prove their intelligence by writing a health care plan. Well, that’s all well and good. But it may be reaching just a tad too high. I say we start off by seeing whether they can write their ABCs.
Glazed Health Care
As long as we’re on the subject of atrocities in marketing, we might as well ask this question: what did the Univ. of North Carolina just name its state Children’s Specialty Clinic? I know you probably won’t believe it, but I’m going to give you the new name anyway. The name is the Krispy Kreme Challenge Children’s Specialty Clinic.
Reactions have ranged from chuckles to outrage. Barry Popkin, a nutrition professor at UNC, let the Krispy Kreme Clinic have it with both barrels; he said, “Shame on my colleagues for not finding a way to accept funds without providing free advertisement for junk food. What is interesting about this is that if we named this the Winston-Salem clinic, it would outrage America.”
This astonishing but not really surprising story was reported by the popular Vice news blog, which noted that “rates of obesity have doubled among [American] children and quadrupled in adolescents over the last 30 years.”
While everyone and everything seems to need corporate sponsors these days, I think we’ve let it get a bit out of hand. I just got an email from the triple canopy gallery in NYC, which exhibits only extremely experimental art. I noticed a Perrier logo at the bottom of the message. Oh, St. Damien’s beard!
Jay Strikes Back — Hard
If you’re fans of the Jay and Silent Bob characters in Kevin Smith’s movies, you may be interested in knowing that Jason Mewes is starring in a horror film that will be released about the time this magazine hits the stands. Also starring will be Ezra Buzzington (Fight Club) and Felissa Rose of the Sleepaway Camp horror films.
The film is titled The Last House, which is, I guess, a pretty obvious reference to The Last House on the Left, the controversial grindhouse classic directed by the late Wes Craven. If you’ve seen that film, you know it’s not for the squeamish. I suspect the same is the case for The Last House. Indeed, the marketing copy describes the film as a “dark and sadistic thriller about the horrors at a mansion in the Hollywood Hills.”
The Last House DVD will be on sale all over on Nov. 24. The film will come with a director’s commentary, interviews and deleted scenes.
Dashing Through The No
In more popular culture news, Pledgemusic is releasing a brand new recording from Grumpy Cat: Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever Official Soundtrack. As is typical with Pledgemusic, you can get the recording in a variety of forms or with a number of add-ons, depending on how much you want to pledge.
If you can’t live without your Grumpy Cat, head over to pledgemusic.com; click the “Find” tab at the bottom of the screen; click “All Projects”; then search for “Grumpy Cat.”
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