Dear Dr. Archer,
I am 47 years old, and I have been married to the same man for 20 years. Before that, I was married to a man who constantly cheated on me.
My current husband had an affair during our fourth year of marriage. He left for two months, but returned with the promise of never cheating again.
I recently learned that, for the past 16 years, he has surfed the Internet and chatted with many women. I suspected something for years, but never had proof. Last year, he had an online affair with a woman 10 years younger than he. He said he was in love with her, and wanted a divorce. Their relationship was ‘on again, off again’ until, finally, it was over.
He told this woman many hateful and hurtful lies about me. I don’t know how he could really love and respect me, even a smidgen. He promised me that he would never again do something like this, and said he was stupid and foolish for doing what he had done.
Now, I do not know what to do. I don’t trust him. I went from being a woman that everyone liked to one that no one even knows, including myself. When I try to stand up for myself, he gets very angry. He screams, punches holes in the walls, and breaks things. He does not hit me.
I am now a person who is afraid of everything, and I shy away from everyone. I don’t work outside the home, and feel inadequate to even apply for a job. I am ashamed to even tell you these things. What kind of woman lets these things happen to her?
My dad was an abusive man, and my mother was so sweet. I loved her so much, and somehow I became her. No one knows about any of this. I have two great stepchildren that are now grown. I never even thought of telling them, and was shocked when he asked me not to.
Thank you for your time.
Rhonda
Dear Rhonda,
You may not have ever been hit, but you’re still an abused woman. Words can be just as hurtful as the back of a hand. Threats of being hit are destructive and damaging, not only to you, but to the marriage.
You’re smart not to trust him. He has done this before, and promised not to do it again. Whoops, he did it again, and now he’s promising not to do it yet again? He has proven to be a liar, so why trust him now? Get out of this bad marriage — now.
If at all possible, print out those incriminating emails, and go see the best family attorney in your area. He will fight for your right to get alimony.
Visit the local women’s shelter. They can help you get off this emotional roller coaster you’ve been on for the past several years. They have programs to help you get your confidence back, and to teach you a skill set. Perhaps you can go back to school, and learn a new trade. It’s never too late to learn something new, or do something you’ve always wanted to do.
Words can hurt or words can heal. In the end, it’s you who decides how you live. Consider these words, which are so true: “When you finally escape the hold your abuser has on your mind, you get a whole new outlook on life. There’s an overwhelming sense of freedom you get while finding yourself once again. You’ll want to do things you haven’t been able to do for a awhile. It’s like being set free from prison. And, sometimes, being alone never felt so good!”
You don’t need to continue living with a bully, because that’s what he is. Find yourself, and if that requires counseling, then so be it, but start with the attorney first. Then reconnect with yourself, and take it from there. All the best.
Dear Dr. Archer,
I’m a 51-year-old grandmother who is raising three of my four grandchildren. I have been with them for over three years. My son has legal custody, but he works out of state, and only comes in on the weekends, when he doesn’t work. Their mother is only allowed supervised visitation.
About four months ago, my son started dating a girl with two children, ages six and 18 months. His children are 11, 9 and 5. He has proposed to her, and they plan on marrying in October.
I am very saddened by this, for many reasons. He just met her. She meets him with her children where he works out of town, and they spend time together. There’s little or no time spent with his own children, by either of them. When he does see them, he’s impatient and distant, yet he’s loving and affectionate with his fiancee’s children.
My son has offered to let me live in his house. Presently, I stay with the children in his house during the week. My son says he’s going to get a bigger house after he gets married. I asked him about my role as caretaker after his marriage, but he didn’t want to talk about it. I am concerned about his children.
I asked him if he was going to move his three children in with his wife and her children. I asked if she knew about his abusive ex, and the custody situation. I asked if she was going to have an active role in raising his three children.
Does he plan on still working out of state? What’s my role in this new family dynamic? How can he plan a wedding if he’s never home? Will they include the three children in the wedding plans so they’ll feel like part of the new family? He was very upset when I asked these questions, and said he didn’t want to talk about it.
I guess I need to know what my place is in this situation. Should I step back and let things fall as they may? What I see happening — and hopefully I’m wrong — is that my son and his new wife will set up a house and have a happy new family, but not include his own three children.
I have considered filing for legal custody of my three grandchildren. It looks like their mother doesn’t care for them, their father doesn’t care for them, and they’re soon-to-be new stepmom doesn’t care. It saddens me so much. Please advise.
Melanie
Dear Melanie,
I don’t know if the fiancee is insecure, jealous, or simply too busy with her two very young children, but ultimately, this is not about her. This is about your son, and his responsibility (or lack thereof) for his children.
You and your son do need to talk about this — and soon. He’s getting married, and the rightful place for the children is in his home with their father and his new family. With their mother not in the picture, it’s even more important that he make them feel loved and wanted. He was involved with creating his children, and needs to take responsibility for their well-being and morale.
Hopefully, forcing him to talk about the welfare of his own children will make him realize what he is doing. If not, just remember you cannot force him to do what’s right. If he doesn’t want them, then let him know you will seek legal custody, and why.
If that doesn’t make him pay attention, then go through with that threat. Be sure the court sees fit that he provide child support. Having the house is a big advantage, but you’ll also need the money. Good luck.
Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and is the author of the New York Times bestselling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.
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