Brad Goins Thursday, February 19, 2015 0

Lake Area musicians will have a new sort of venue as a result of the Lake Charles City Council’s vote to allow musicians and other performers to entertain on certain downtown street corners. Performers will also be allowed to collect tips.

Street performers will need to get a permit for $25. For that cost, they can perform any time between 9 am and 10 pm.

They can put on their shows at the high-traffic areas of Ryan Street at Division, Broad, Pujo, and Kirby, and at four locations on the Lakefront Promenade.

The drive for the street performers’ permit was led by the Quality of Life Task Force, a group made up primarily of young local adults. The group apparently had a lot of support at the City Council discussion, which wound up in a unanimous vote in favor of the proposition.

In an interview with KPLC-TV, City Councilman John Ieyoub said he thought performers from Houston and N.O. would be drawn to the L.C. streets. He also made the excellent point that this new venue will provide an ideal opportunity for performers to “get their CDs out there.”


Biggest Book Sale Of The Year

How do we know for sure that a new year is underway? We get the notice that it’s time to contribute to the big annual book sale at the Good Shepherd Episcopal Church.

This is always the biggest book sale of the year in the Lake Area. It fills a regulation size gym. It’s the sale where you’re likely to find a couple of items that make your eyes pop. And, of course, it’s the one where you can always buy a grocery bag full of books for just $5 on the last day of the sale (Sunday).

This year’s sale is slated for Friday, March 20, through Sunday, March 22. Of course, you’ll want to start dropping your donations off now. Books can be dropped off any time in the boxes located under the drive-through entrance of the church at 715 Kirkman St.

Any new and used books you contribute should be in good condition. Bring extra DVDs, CDs and audio books. (Sorry, donations of magazines, encyclopedias and textbooks aren’t being taken this time around.)

For more information, call the church at 433.5244 or visit All proceeds go to area charities. Book lovers — spread the word.


Now We Know What Radical Islam Is

I guess by now you’ve heard that Gov. Bobby Jindal spent most of January explaining to the world what radical Islam is. After decades of Hamas, Taliban and ISIS, we ordinary mortals finally understand it all.

Jindal gave his key speech about radical Islam in London, where he explained to the Londoners that their city contained “no go” zones where people who aren’t Muslims aren’t allowed to go.

A big chunk of the audience was made up of people who’d spent their entire lives in London. Would you believe those people — those people who you’d think would know London like the back of their hands — didn’t even know that their city had no-go zones in it?

Well, it’s true. One fellow from the BBC asked Jindal to name a street in London where there’s a no-go zone.

Turns out that asking Jindal about no-go zones is pretty much like asking Vitter about phone calls to an escort service. No comments are offered — not even the comment “no comment.” All Jindal would say was that the no-go zones were being kept secret by “far-left media.”

He’s right about that much, anyway. How do I know?

Well, about 15 minutes after Jindal finished his speech, a fleet of half a dozen BMWs pulled into my driveway. Out of each car emerged two well-dressed businessmen, each one struggling to carry heavily loaded duffel bags.

I’m not ashamed to tell you I was more than a little scared about all those men bringing all those duffel bags into my house.

After some hurried introductions, the group’s spokesman got right down to business. “Mr. Goins,” he said. “We’re here to talk about Bobby Jindal’s assertion that there are no-go zones in London.”

“Oh,” I said, “I thought that was just a kooky idea.”

“Exactly,” he said. “That’s exactly what we want people to think — that it’s a kooky idea. That’s why we’re paying far-left-wing journalists all over the world to say in print that it’s a kooky idea. Do that, and all this money” — he gestured toward the pile of duffel bags — $450 million in U.S. dollars — will be yours.”

I chuckled a little. “Ah, fellas. I appreciate your offer. But I don’t think you’re going to be able to convince anyone that I’m a far-left-wing journalist.”

Now it was their turn to laugh. And they laughed long and hard. The spokesman continued: “I’m afraid the joke is on you, Mr. Goins. You see, everyone in Lake Charles is absolutely convinced you are a far-left-wing journalist. You can trust me on that. Just say the no-go zones are a kooky idea, and all of the $450 million is yours.”

He didn’t have to twist my arm. I wasn’t going to turn down his money. It was just as green as anybody else’s as far as I could tell.

Now my only concern is what I’m going to do with the money. I’ve got so many books, my shelves are full. My DVD holders are sagging under the weight. I could stop off at Victoria’s for green chili tamales on my way home from work a couple of days a week. But I’m usually pretty tired at the end of the day and would rather just go home and relax.

Maybe I’ll just use the money to set up a magazine and hot dog stand. I’ll have to find out whether Saga is still being published. I think I’ll carry Krispy Kreme, too. Hell, I can afford it.


Worst News Ever

It was a headline that appeared with a CSPAN Tweet on Jan. 17. The headline read “Road to the White House.”

The headline was a masthead, actually. What I mean by that is that the phrase “Road to the White House” indicates that CSPAN is now running an ongoing series of stories about the next presidential election.

The bad news is that we can now expect 23 months of stories about presidential candidates. And I didn’t even know that CSPAN reported stories about presidential candidates. I might be forgiven for my naivete in that respect. But I don’t think there will be any forgiveness for anyone who runs 23 months of stories on presidential candidates.


The Pawpaw Dideaux Plank

As you might expect, Pawpaw Dideaux of Wagon Rut has already announced that he will run for president in 2016, this time as a candidate for the Mudbogging Party.

As usual, his opening fund-raiser was held in Wagon Rut, where he drew a large and enthusiastic crowd.

Dideaux spoke on the topic of no-go zones. Here’s a little taste:

“Now me, I ain’t got no no-go zones. I got me a zone. I got me a zone, just like anybody’s zone. And it’s a go-zone. Yessir, a go-zone. You can go through it any time ye like.

“Now there it is: there’s my zone. Now go through it. Go ahead — go right on through it. Good!

“Now go back through! Go right back through it the same way you came. Now good! Now ain’t that nice?

“It’s a go zone. I call it a go zone. You come and go as you like, it’s all fine. Don’t make no difference to the zone. The zone just stays the same.

“That’s MY zone. Don’t let me hear no talk about no no-go zone in Wagon Rut. We ain’t got ary such thang and we ain’t a gonna have it ba God! We gotta go zone and that’s all we got and all we gonna got.

“So, you know what to do. Come election day, you go out and you vote for my zone and you vote for Pawpaw Dideaux. Vote for Pawpaw Dideaux and the whole Mudbogger Ticket. Mud is our blood! I’m Pawpaw Dideaux and I endorse this message!”


Face It: You Could Be A Starseed

As a man draws nigh to the closing chapters of his life, one of the big questions he will invariably ask himself is: Am I a starseed?

I am ashamed to admit that even at this advanced age, I didn’t know what a starseed is. That was all taken care of when I got the latest email from the Ashtar Command Community the other day.

I learned that a starseed (or “lightbeing”) is a person who lives on earth but who thinks he was born on another planet — one outside of our solar system.

Well, that particular thought had never occurred to me. But just because a thought has never occurred to me doesn’t mean it’s not worthy of consideration.

I thought I’d better go through the Ashtar CC’s checklist of the “Characteristics and Traits of a Starseed.” Let’s see how I fared.

A starseed:

“* [Has] lower than normal body temperature and low blood pressure.” Nope.

“* [Experiences] visitations by benevolent and luminescent beings with human-appearance [sic].” Nope. Still waiting for the first visit by somebody who’s luminescent.

“* [Has] unusual abilities considered paranormal by peers.” I’m usually considered to have a pretty unusual writing ability. But as of yet, nobody has told me it’s paranormal.

“* [Have] a deep knowing [sic] their home is somewhere among the stars.” Nope.

“* Often notice they glance at a clock when it’s 11:11.” Nope.

So, I guess I’m not a starseed. Could I be a starsprout or starroot or starbloom or stargraft or some other form of starplantlife? Well, one thing at a time … We’ll pick up with starsprout next issue.

On the day I got all the pertinent info about starseeds, the Ashtar Command Community recommended to me this article:

“Confessions From Illuminati Insider Who Witnessed Human Sacrifice at Vatican.” Every time I read about Illuminati Insiders, they’re doing something unusual and exciting and risque. Problem is, I’ve never once been asked to join the Illuminati Insiders. I’ve never even seen an application form.

Also in the Ashtar CC reading room was the article “Agartha, Earth’s Inner World.” And the No. 2 blog of the day was “Indigo Magenta Manifesto.”

As the Ashtarians tell us: “Read more.” You can do so at or by following AshtarCommandCrew on Facebook.