IN DANGER?

Dear Dr. Archer, 

My husband of 18 years had his second affair with his ex-girlfriend in 2007. After playing with her emotions and promising her the world, he decided to remain with his three children and me.

His ex has tracked me down on Facebook, where she wrote a long, rambling letter berating me for keeping him hostage and tormenting him. She also stated that I don’t deserve the life I live, or to be the mother of his children. She can’t wait until he finally gets rid of me, so he can be free to be with someone that really loves him. 

After two years, I was shocked to receive this letter. I am very alarmed that she has held so much rage and contempt for me all these years. She made it obvious that she wants me out of the picture, so they can finally live the fantasy life she believes he will provide her. 

I believe she is disturbed. I am beginning to believe I am in danger, and now live in fear. She has been waiting for his return ever since we were married, and they have a history of adultery together. Since he has gone to her twice, I don’t think she will ever stop waiting in the shadows. Should I be afraid? My husband lies, cheats, has repressed anger, is impulsive, shows no remorse, and is cruel and verbally abusive to our children. 

I suffer from depression, partially as a result of living with his behavior for so long. I’ve lost the will to live many times, as I have tried to cope with everything. If you could give me some insight, I would greatly appreciate it. 

Vicky 

Dear Vicky,

Your question is: What kind of mind is at work here, and are you in danger?

Before we address that, I want to point out that you describe your husband as being a liar and a cheat who is cruel and abusive to the children.

My question to you is: What the heck are you doing there?

How could you possibly be happy in a relationship like this? It’s time you honestly acknowledge what type of person you have chosen for a spouse.

Sometimes we get so acclimated to being emotionally abused by a loved one that we begin to accept it as the way it is. Some spouses stay because they are worried about how they will survive if they leave. However, this is definitely not the way a healthy marriage should be. You not only have yourself but your three children to consider, as well.

Leave for yourself; leave for your children. Just do it! Take legal action. If you haven’t informed the police about this woman, do so now. Your husband has put you in harm’s way, and he is a danger to you, as well.

I also recommend you seek therapy. Victims of abuse have a higher tendency to develop anxiety disorders. You should have someone to talk with about what you have gone through, and how you got into this situation.

Leaving an abusive spouse can feel like something that’s nearly impossible. It often takes more strength to leave than to stay, so you will have to muster up all the courage you have. Talk to family and friends, and consult a family law attorney, but start making your plans now. It is past time that you leave this man and begin a new life for you and your children.

Also remember this: The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for 15 years is being in a bad relationship for 15 years and a day. Good luck.

Dear Dr. Archer,

My husband and I disagree about when our daughter should be allowed to date. She is almost 16, very mature and very responsible. 

I believe that, under the right circumstances, she should be allowed to date occasionally. He says she can’t date until she is 17. What do you think?

Liz 

Dear Liz,

Dating almost always presents parental concerns. It’s a universal debate among parents of young teenagers. I encourage you not to let age alone be the determining factor in this decision.

Your daughter’s level of responsibility and maturity are what you need to evaluate. There are some 14-year-olds who are mature enough to be trusted on a date, while some 18-year-olds are too irresponsible for this to even be an option. Other factors, in addition to maturity of your child, are the maturity of his or her date, the level of supervision, where they are going, what they are doing, who else will be present, etc.

I do agree that this should be a decision you and your husband make together, but allow your daughter to have input, and explain why she (not her friends) feels she deserves to be able to date. I also recommend that you outline dating rules: where she can go, for how long, until how late, and whether she can be alone with the other person.

Be sure to set consequences that will occur should she break the rules. More importantly, make sure she understands that, by following the rules, she proves her responsibility and gains your trust, which will lead to more freedom in the future. Thus, this becomes a work in progress for the three of you to negotiate as a family as she matures.

Dear Dr. Archer,

Are children with Attention Deficit Disorder more likely to be depressed? My son is 11, and was diagnosed with ADD over a year ago. At times, he seems very withdrawn, and I worry that he may be depressed.

Darrell 

Dear Darrell,

Depression is, in fact, more common in children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Exact numbers are not available, due to the fact that both ADHD and depression are often undiagnosed, but experts estimate that between 10 and 30 percent of children with ADHD also have depression. It’s easy to understand why, if you think about it.

Children with ADHD often have difficulty with school, leading to poor self-esteem. They are also overactive, and have impulse control issues. This leads to difficulties with social relationships, and means they are less likely to be invited to birthday parties, don’t get invited back for play dates, and get ostracized by their peers on the playground. With this scenario, it is very easy to see how depression could become a major issue.

I would recommend that you contact your child’s doctor about your concerns, so that he can be evaluated and properly treated for depression, if indicated.

Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana.  He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and is the author of the New York Times bestselling book Better than Normal.  Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.