Dear Dr. Archer,
My 43-year-old husband told me he’s not sure if he still loves me. Needless to say, I was stunned. He says he doesn’t feel anything for me, but isn’t sure if he wants a divorce.
Our marriage is far from perfect, but we’ve been married 20 years and have four children. I don’t take our marriage lightly.
That being said, I’m not sure how long I’m prepared to wait for him to make up his mind. I have my pride. I’m no longer sure how I feel about him either. I’ve asked and he will not go to counseling.
Is he going through a mid-life crisis that I should wait out, and if so, how long should I wait? Any advice would be appreciated.
Sandy
Dear Sandy,
What a painful situation this must be for you. Unfortunately, it is one I hear about quite often.
Although the phrase may be overused, “mid-life crisis” is recognized as a real experience. It’s a time when many of us assess our lives and try to recapture some of the feelings of youth. This may indeed be what your husband is going through.
Obviously, you don’t just suddenly stop loving someone. There has to be an underlying cause for his change in feelings, and, ideally, this is something both of you could discuss together.
However, the most important thing for you to realize is that you aren’t responsible for his behavior and you can’t control him or force him to talk to you, work on the marriage or see a counselor. You can only control yourself and your reaction to the situation.
At this point, you need to take care of yourself. Regarding the question about how long you should wait, that’s not a decision I, nor anyone else, can make for you. I do think you are wise not to rush into such an important decision. If he won’t go to marriage counseling, then you can go alone. This will help you work through your feelings about him and the marriage, and help you make the important decision you need to make.
It’s possible that once you start going, he may decide to join you. But even if he doesn’t, having an objective person with whom to discuss this complex and emotive situation will give you the support you need during this difficult time.
Dr. Archer
Dear Dr. Archer,
How much truth is enough? If a friend asks for the truth, but I know it will hurt her feelings deeply, am I morally obligated to tell her? Withholding the information will not put her in danger. What is my responsibility?
Kellie
Dear Kellie,
Obviously, in an ideal world, the answer would be to always tell the truth all the time no matter what. Of course we all know that this is not realistic. Studies have shown that virtually 100 percent of people tell a white lie from time to time either to keep from hurting another or to prevent an inconvenience.
Every situation is different. As with many other things in life, there’s a constant balancing act between what your friend has asked, the information she truly needs and the amount of pain that telling her the whole truth would cause. Juggling all these things isn’t easy, but it’s something all of us do on a daily basis, either consciously or unconsciously.
As for moral obligation, I’ll have to leave that to the philosophers. I like to use a realistic perspective. When we can tell the whole truth to someone who’s asked a question, and no pain will be caused, then we should always do so. When we need to tell the whole truth in order to give important information, and pain will be caused, but we feel the other person needs to hear the truth anyway, there is also a case for full disclosure. However, in cases in which the full truth isn’t needed and would cause great pain, then it may be acceptable to tell less than the full truth in order to keep from hurting someone.
I wish there were an easier answer to this question, but obviously, this is a situation that depends on a variety of factors that you constantly have to weigh in order to come to the best decision. The answer lies within you.
Dr. Archer
Dear Dr. Archer,
My wife and I have been married for 14 years. I love her very much. Three years ago, when I found out she had had a brief affair with a co-worker, I forgave her.
It was a very difficult time in our marriage, but we were able to work through it and stay together. Now I’m wondering if we are really past it.
Even though she has done nothing to make me suspicious since the affair, I constantly question her about where she’s going and what she’s doing. I call her at work all the time, even though the co-worker she had the affair with has moved away.
She says she’s been totally faithful since this incident, and while I believe her, I guess I don’t completely trust her. We fight about my lack of trust all the time. How can I really get past my suspicions?
Grant
Dear Grant,
Contrary to popular belief, the majority of marriages that end because of an affair do so not immediately after the infidelity take place, but several years later. The reason for this is basically the situation you are describing: ongoing distrust and accusations.
Often, when infidelity occurs, there’s a need to punish the offending partner. But if this goes on too long, it will lead to a marked deterioration of the relationship. This is exactly what’s happening to you.
Dealing with infidelity is complicated. For some, the decision to walk away is an easy one, while for others (as in your case), a decision is made to move past the infidelity. In this situation, both partners have some serious work to do in order for the marriage to recover.
Marriage is difficult enough when one is dealing with day-to-day issues in the present. Constantly revisiting the past just adds additional stress and serves no useful purpose.
So, it sounds like you haven’t completely forgiven or forgotten your wife’s affair. If you want your marriage to survive, this is a step you’re going to have to take, and it must be done soon. If you still have questions about her behavior, discuss these with her to get a resolution to the incident once and for all.
If you truly believe your wife is faithful, and has been since the affair, then I suggest you make a conscious decision to forgive her and really leave the past in the past, where it belongs. Otherwise, the chances of your marriage surviving are practically nonexistent.
Dr. Archer
Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and the author of the New York Times’ bestselling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.
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