Dear Dr. Archer,
I’ve been married for over 20 years. For most of that time, I thought we had a great marriage. I knew my husband lied sometimes, but it was never a big issue.
In our third year of marriage, I thought he was having an affair with a woman of a different race. He adamantly told me he never dated outside his race, and we moved on, as usual.
Once a woman stopped us while we were driving and asked if her cooler was still in his car. It was obvious she looked scorned. We fought about it for years. As time went on, the story changed and got more and more ridiculous.
Once his cousin brought a girl to his mom’s house and introduced her to my husband. They pretended they didn’t know each other, though it was obvious to me they were lying. I accused him and his family of trying to make a fool out of me. Suddenly, I was told that the girl was taking care of his grandmother. Wouldn’t they introduce her as a caregiver in the beginning? I’ve heard at least 10 other stories about this girl.
One night we were at a family dinner. We all knew my little cousin was dating someone of another race. His mom asked my husband if he ever dated someone of this race, and I was blown away when he said yes. We had a huge fight, because I thought if he’d said no when I asked him and now he says yes, then it had to have happened since we’d been married.
He denied it; to cover his tracks, he said it happened in high school. It took me two days to uncover the lie. He finally admitted to having an affair during the marriage, making the unlikely assertion that it was just one time and then it ended.
I searched for and found the woman; contacted her; and found out everything. Now I’m wondering what’s gone on during our years of marriage. I asked him how many women he’s actually slept with. He told me nine. I asked him about names, but he said he couldn’t remember names. In fact, “I don’t remember” and “I’m not dealing with this” is his response to everything I ask! He refuses to help me straighten out all these lies.
Seventeen years ago, he brought a female co-worker home and they went in to have a beer. At the time, the story was he went to have a beer at a male friend’s house. I asked the guy recently, and found out it was a lie. Now my husband’s trying to make me feel like there’s something wrong with me because I don’t trust him.
He’s using guilt trips — saying I should be a Christian and that the Bible says we need to forgive.
I’m seeing a doctor because my nerves are shot. I’ve lost weight; I’m miserable; and he will not accept that I plan on getting a divorce. He keeps saying we’ll be fine, and that we have to work through this.
I think he has psychological problems. Now to my point: I’m afraid to leave because he’s threatened me. He says he will kill me and kill himself if I leave. I live in hell! Help!
Ivy
Dear Ivy,
Enough already! You’ve been in a destructive marriage for over 20 years and it has torn you apart. Love should be calm, peaceful and comforting — everything you’re not feeling in this marriage.
You want a divorce. Good! It’s time to call it quits. Don’t let him use guilt as a weapon. As Melissa Edwards said, “Once a cheater, always a repeater.”
Threatening to kill you if you leave is the classic move of an abuser. Needless to say, it’s working, because you’re terrified, you are not leaving and it’s ruining your physical and mental health. You’re slowly killing yourself by remaining in this toxic environment.
My advice is to find the best divorce attorney you can. Tell him your story and follow his advice. If he doesn’t suggest a restraining order, then bring the subject up and get one. And if he breaks it, even once, immediately call the police. If you need a place to stay, then contact your local women’s shelter.
It’s time you start enjoying your life. Learn from this experience and make every day count. I promise, as time passes, things will get easier and you’ll wonder why it took you so long to take charge of your life. I wish you much success.
Dr. Archer
Dear Dr. Archer,
My brother is going through a severe depression. I’ve tried my best to distract him, but nothing works. He doesn’t do anything but stare at the ground; he has no range of emotions.
He’s been taking Prozac for two weeks. Instead of improving, he’s started keeping his eyes shut, even if we force him to open them. He’s feeling weak and can’t stand or sit for two minutes. He’s nauseated, which I know is a side effect of Prozac. But I’m clueless as to his other symptoms.
He was depressed before, but he was functional. Now, for the past 10 days, he’s almost nonfunctional. I’ve made an appointment for a mental health evaluation, but it’s not for another week.
Please tell me if he should continue with the Prozac or try stopping it and wait for a physician.
His depression symptoms have gotten worse since his divorce, which was five months ago. He was married for eight years.
Sam
Dear Sam,
Stop giving him Prozac immediately! Your brother needs medical attention now, so take him to the ER as soon as possible. Something is going on here that may be more than depression, so don’t wait for his appointment to act.
Treat prescription medication with respect, especially prescription drugs that alter brain chemistry. Never share any prescription medication; the consequences could be disastrous.
Dr. Archer
Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV networks, and the author of The ADHD Advantage and the New York Times’ bestselling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.
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