TAKING CHARGE

Dale Archer, M.D. Thursday, July 16, 2015 Comments Off on TAKING CHARGE
TAKING CHARGE

Over With

Dear Dr. Archer,

I’ve been married since Dec. 2008. My husband is verbally abusive and a loser, and just lost his job because of his marijuana habit.

He spends all our money on whatever he wants. I can truly say I hate him. The problem is: I have a 7-year-old who knows him as dad, and he has a 5-year-old who knows me as mom. We have a 3-year-old together, and he has a 12-year-old who has been living with us since we got married.

It’s been so stressful. I take care of his children; he doesn’t. He still pays his ex child support, even though the children live with us, and I’m the one who takes care of them.

Since he lost his job two weeks ago, he says he has applied for jobs online. I applied, and got a job the first day. Since then, I’ve been working, and he has the nerve to rub it in my face as to how he’s so tired from taking care of the children. When I cared for them, I wasn’t allowed to be tired without him giving me an attitude. 

He fights with me in front of the children. I am so over it, already. I want to leave, but I am very confused. I worry about the children.

Growing up, I remember my mom and dad fighting. I don’t want my children to go through it. But I also remember that when mom left dad, we moved from place to place — trailer, motel, etc. My children deserve better than that. Not only that, but they love my husband.

My question is this: am I doing more damage to my children by remaining in an unhappy marriage or leaving? There is no way we will ever work out our marriage. He lies, cheats and does everything else. Please help.

Amber

 

Dear Amber,

The decision to divorce is one of the toughest decisions for anyone to make. Even when no common ground is present, it can be a tough decision. Add children to the mix, and it becomes even worse.

Normally, I would encourage you to talk and get everything out in the open. Many times, with the threat of one spouse leaving, egos are set aside, and attempts to save the marriage become primary.

Divorce is ugly. When a husband and wife work together for the benefit of the family, it’s always great for the children. But that’s in situations where each spouse works for the good of the family.

You think you’re doing the noble thing by staying, but you’re just prolonging the agony of what will happen eventually. You hate your husband; you have made that crystal clear. That said, there’s no reason why you should think staying with the man you hate would benefit the children. Children are not as clueless as you think. They see and hear what’s going on, no matter how you try to shield them.

Remaining married “for the sake of the children” will ultimately do more harm than good. You are obviously miserable, and angry at your certain circumstances. I assure you, an unhappy parent is not very likely to raise happy children. You’re in a very destructive environment, and so are the children. It’s time for a change.

I recommend a separation, with an ultimatum that he shapes up, or divorce is next. Get an attorney, and discuss the details and the potential divorce.

Remaining in a marriage for the sake of the children is the most misguided reason to stay married. Good luck.

Dear Dr. Archer,

What makes a mind go blank? Ever since I was little, if asked to remember something, I totally go blank. However, if given a clue, I can remember everything. This has caused much fear that I appear stupid. School was a nightmare, and tests were the same.

I’ve tried some of those memory tricks, like remembering a name and associating it with a visual clue, but then I forget the clue. I really feel that part of my brain isn’t working. I didn’t even recognize my own newborn in the hospital. 

Manny

Dear Manny,

You’re not alone. Many times, anxiety can shut the brain down faster than the speed of light. Thought processes change, and the brain may as well hand out a “Gone to Lunch” sign. Read the chapters on generalized anxiety and social anxiety in my book, Better Than Normal: How What Makes You Different Can Make You Exceptional. You can find it at a local bookstore, or at your nearest library.

When the mind goes blank, we all feel dumb. We feel everyone is ridiculing us. In short, we get an inferiority complex. You can continue to let this get to you, in which case it will probably become worse because you’re worrying about it, or you can shrug it off. I suggest the latter.

If and when this happens, simply say, “My mind went blank.” Whoever you’re talking to has had this happen, and they’ll understand. The harder you are on yourself, the more this is going to happen. Try your best to laugh it off.

In the meantime, try this: Focus your mind on what’s in front of you, or on what the person speaking to you is saying. Don’t focus on yourself; concentrate on what’s being said.

As far as recognizing the baby, or anyone else, study features, mannerisms and how they talk.

We tend to become distracted or irritated by things we don’t understand. Those tests you mentioned are an excellent example, because this is when many of us experience a problem. It’s okay; that’s normal. Take a deep breath. Relax. If you don’t know the answer to something, skip it, and come back to it later. Remember that there’s nothing wrong with saying “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember.”

If this doesn’t help, then consider counseling. Perhaps anti-anxiety medication can help. Good luck.

Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute For Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and is the author of the New York Times best-selling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.

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