Every December, I write a column about spoofed Christmas toys. To get some ideas for the column, I give Santa a call at the North Pole and ask him what little boys and girls around the world are requesting he leave under their Christmas trees.<\/p>\n
But this year, it was different.\u00a0 The jolly old soul didn\u2019t answer the phone with his usual \u201cho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!\u201d He just said: \u201cClause speaking. It\u2019s that time of year, again.\u201d<\/p>\n
I could tell something was wrong. \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter, Santa? You don\u2019t sound like your jolly old self,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve been operating out of the North Pole for hundreds of years, and now I have to relocate my operations \u2026 the workshop, the reindeer stable, and the cozy house Mrs. Clause loves.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re moving from the North Pole?\u201d I asked. \u201cWhy? What happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know how dark it is up here half the year,\u201d he said. \u201cWell, the elves kept pestering me to get them a TV. So I got them a large-screen satellite TV, and they were watching this program that said by 2050 the ice at the North Pole was going to melt.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLook at the bright side, Santa,\u201d I said, trying to cheer him up, \u201cyour reindeer will probably love frolicking in the grass.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t understand. The South Pole is ice-covered land, but the North Pole is on ice-covered water. If the ice melts, we\u2019ll just sink into the Arctic Ocean.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOoh, that\u2019s not good. Where are you thinking of relocating?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCanada and Norway have the closest land; the reindeer all want to go to Norway because that\u2019s where they\u2019re from.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t know that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou never noticed they can\u2019t pronounce their Js and they\u2019re always hollering \u2018yumpin\u2019 yimminy, another chimminy\u2019 when they deliver presents? It drives me crazy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, Norway is nice if you like salted fish.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe problem is Russia claims it owns the North Pole. When Putin heard the ice was melting, he sent a submarine here to plant a Russian flag on the ocean floor.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re kidding!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Putin believes there\u2019s oil and other valuable minerals in the Arctic, and he\u2019s filed a formal claim with the United Nations under the 1982 Law of the Sea that says a country can claim exclusive economic control over any part of the ocean above the continental shelf that sits next to its borders.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy don\u2019t you move your whole operation to the U.S.? There\u2019s already a town in Alaska named North Pole,\u201d I suggested.<\/p>\n
\u201cI love your malls, but I couldn\u2019t make toys in the U.S. I would have to get health insurance for all the elves, and pay them $15 an hour plus quadruple time for working Christmas Eve \u2026 And I don\u2019t think they would let my elves into your country. They have extreme vetting now, and my elves don\u2019t have proper papers.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat could be a problem,\u201d I agreed.<\/p>\n
\u201cPETA would accuse me of cruelty to animals for making my reindeer fly in all kinds of weather; pagans would accuse me of cultural appropriation and try to get Santa hats and Christmas trees banned; the government would want me to give kids stalks of rhubarb instead of candy canes; and OSHA would ban me from going down chimneys.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut the people here love you!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut your president hates fat people. If he doesn\u2019t get his tax reform package all wrapped up and under his tree for Christmas, he\u2019ll blame me. He\u2019ll probably give me a nickname like \u2018Flying Fatso\u2019 and weight-shame me on Twitter. He\u2019ll tell everybody I\u2019m fake. And the next thing you know, little boys and girls will stop believing in me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, there have always been questions about how real you are. You have your birth certificate, don\u2019t you? By the way, how are the elves taking all this?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI wish I had never gotten them that TV. They love the Science Channel, and now they\u2019re all afraid they\u2019re going to be replaced by robots. And they told the reindeer they\u2019ll be replaced by delivery drones with little plastic antlers.<\/p>\n
\u201cAmazon and other internet merchants have gotten pretty good at delivering packages \u2026 Some even offer free delivery. They may be fast, but they just drop the packages at your doorstep and leave. We bring them into your house and set them up all nice and neat under your Christmas tree. And all we ask in return is a plate of cookies.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou and your crew certainly make Christmas special. I remember how excited I was as a child seeing all those presents under the tree on Christmas morning. A beeping drone isn\u2019t as charming as Jolly Old St. Nick.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat was 60 years ago,\u201d Santa said. \u201cIt\u2019s not the same today. The kids once wrote me charming letters, and when I went to department stores or a mall, there would be long lines of children waiting to climb on my lap and tell me what they wanted me to bring them. Today, they text me their list \u2014 \u2018Dude, here\u2019s what to bring me for Xmas.\u2019 And when they climb on my lap, they don\u2019t talk to me; they\u2019re too busy texting their friends and taking selfies with me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I tried to imagine Christmas without Santa. \u201cYou\u2019re still going to deliver presents this year, aren\u2019t you?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I have been talking to an Internet start-up company that wants to develop a Santa app,\u201d he confessed.<\/p>\n
\u201cNooooooo!\u201d I screamed. \u201cYou can\u2019t be replaced by an app!\u201d<\/p>\n
That\u2019s when my wife woke me up and told me it was all just a terrible nightmare. She reassured me that Santa and his reindeer would be delivering presents this year, but also reminded me that Christmas is not supposed to be about getting presents from Santa; it is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, God\u2019s gift to us.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes that mean I\u2019ll get the presents I asked for in my letter to Santa this year?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOnly if you\u2019ve been a good little boy,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Every December, I write a column about spoofed Christmas toys. To get some ideas for the column, I give Santa a call at the North Pole and ask him what little boys and girls around the world are requesting he leave under their Christmas trees. But this year, it was different.\u00a0 The jolly old soul [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":829,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[75],"tags":[134,80],"yoast_head":"\n