Dear Dr. Archer,<\/b><\/p>\n
I\u2019m an 18-year-old female. I broke up with my ex a few months before I met a 25-year-old at work. He\u2019s sweet, but shy and quiet.<\/b><\/p>\n
We exchanged phone numbers and got to know each other. He wanted to be in a relationship, but I wasn\u2019t ready yet. We did everything couples do, and we moved pretty quickly. I told him my past and how I used to be a player, and he accepted my mistakes.<\/b><\/p>\n
We engaged in sex \u2014 plenty of sex \u2014 and he kept asking me if I was ready for a relationship. I was confused because he kept asking me if I loved him, but I felt like I hadn\u2019t completely ended things with my ex, and I didn\u2019t know how to tell him that. I don\u2019t love my ex anymore, but I was with him for four years, and I\u2019ve been with this guy for only three months.<\/b><\/p>\n
My love for him is starting to grow. But he says he can\u2019t wait anymore, and if my answer is no, then he\u2019s going to leave. I love him so much, but we work together and I see him two days a week. Also, the more I think about my ex, the more I know I still have feelings for him. We still get together and have sex, even though things aren\u2019t the same. I asked him what this \u2014 us continuing to have sex \u2014 meant, and he said he didn\u2019t know. I asked him if he wanted to get back together, but he said no.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n
I\u2019m not the kind of girl who has sex without feelings or just for fun. I want this pain to stop. What should I do? Should I keep waiting for this new man to love me or move on? I want my ex to tell me he loves me and wants me back, but it never happens! Please help.<\/b><\/p>\n
Beverly<\/b><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Dear Beverly,<\/p>\n
Stop. Stop seeing all guys, including your ex and the guy you work with. Quit using men as a way to validate yourself; quit looking at all the men who come and go at work and start looking at yourself. Do no dating for three months and let all this settle.<\/p>\n
A healthy mind and heart are needed if one is to enter into and maintain a healthy relationship. Feelings for men in the past that are not put to rest will cause havoc.<\/p>\n
You need to recover from both these relationships. If you don\u2019t, you\u2019re simply going to continue this cycle of confusion and uncertainty.<\/p>\n
Your ex wants to have sex but no relationship \u2014 is that what you want? If not, then end it. Your new guy wants a relationship, but you aren\u2019t ready. Tell him if he leaves, so be it. Stop trying to please these guys in your life or keep them around when you know it won\u2019t work. Get strong and move on.<\/p>\n
Have fun with friends and reconnect with family. Learn your own strengths and weaknesses.<\/p>\n
Time will heal these wounds and give you a clearer vision as to what you want out of life and who you want in your life.<\/p>\n
Dr. Archer<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Dear Dr. Archer,<\/b><\/p>\n
What in the world was I thinking? I\u2019ve been in a six-year relationship with a ladies\u2019 man who\u2019s been divorced three times. I now work for him. But he was initially just my boyfriend.<\/b><\/p>\n
His last ex-wife left him when he was in intensive care. He was a recovering alcoholic for seven years. She called him on the day she was supposed to take him home from the hospital and told him to find another ride and another place to call home.<\/b><\/p>\n
That same day she wiped out his bank account and took his most prized possessions \u2014 his three spoiled little girls, who are now 20, 18 and 12. He was devastated.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n
I entered the picture and I can\u2019t get a break. His ex-wife obviously doesn\u2019t want him \u2014 she\u2019s engaged to the man she left him for. But she can\u2019t stand the fact he\u2019s with another woman.<\/b><\/p>\n
I once asked him if he still loved his ex and he got a dreamy look in his eyes and said, \u201cI\u2019ll always love her.\u201d I should have made him get out of the car right then and there. He\u2019s lied to me about seeing her. He\u2019d tell me he took the girls to lunch, then I\u2019d see a photo on Facebook of all of them, looking cozy and happy.<\/b><\/p>\n
This has happened more than once.<\/b><\/p>\n
Three years ago, I got wind on Facebook that his ex was invited to his family\u2019s house for Thanksgiving dinner. I wasn\u2019t invited, but she was! I got myself invited to dinner, and asked him to un-invite her since she\u2019s his ex who left him penniless in the hospital seven years earlier, and I\u2019m his new love.<\/b><\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t. I had to smile and eat her greasy dinner. I threw up all night.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n
When his brother was killed, he didn\u2019t tell me about the memorial service, but he told his ex, and she was there. I found out on Facebook. He invited me to the family\u2019s home for Thanksgiving dinner last year, but his 18-year-old daughter told him if I was there, she and her sisters wouldn\u2019t be. They say I take up too much of his attention. He begged and pleaded with her, but she wouldn\u2019t budge. He apologized to me for inviting me, and told me it was a lapse in good judgment on his part.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n
I don\u2019t think he\u2019s cheated on me, but this is a different type of betrayal.<\/b><\/p>\n
I now have a knot of hatred for him deep in my stomach. How can I forgive and forget these hurts, and should I even bother? Please help.<\/b><\/p>\n
Chris<\/b><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Dear Chris,<\/p>\n
Face it: your boyfriend still holds a candle for his ex. He will always be connected to her \u2014 not only because they have three children together, but because he told you that he will always love her.<\/p>\n
If, after all this time, he still gets together with her whenever possible, you definitely have reason for concern. You may have been together six years, but he\u2019s still not over the ex. He\u2019s not hiding that, so you really can\u2019t blame him for how he feels. But you must determine where you go from here.<\/p>\n
Instead of feeding that hatred, tell him what\u2019s bothering you. If he can\u2019t make some serious changes, then it\u2019s time to leave and find someone who isn\u2019t pining away after his ex. Yes, he should be in his children\u2019s lives, but if he doesn\u2019t put you ahead of his ex, then your relationship will never work.<\/p>\n
For her to be invited to dinner and not you, or for her to be at his brother\u2019s funeral and not you, speaks volumes of who is more important in his life.<\/p>\n
When you can accept the truth about your boyfriend or whoever else is in your life, no matter how painful it may be, you\u2019ll be able to stop wasting your time. Six years is a very long time to put up with behavior like this. If your boyfriend can\u2019t give you the love and respect you deserve, let him go and find someone who\u2019s available and treats you well.<\/p>\n
Dr. Archer<\/p>\n
Dr. Dale Archer is a Board Certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and the author of The ADHD Advantage and the New York Times\u2019 bestselling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear Dr. Archer, I\u2019m an 18-year-old female. I broke up with my ex a few months before I met a 25-year-old at work. He\u2019s sweet, but shy and quiet. We exchanged phone numbers and got to know each other. He wanted to be in a relationship, but I wasn\u2019t ready yet. We did everything couples [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10,"featured_media":266,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[12],"tags":[35,34],"yoast_head":"\n