Dear Dr. Archer,<\/b><\/p>\n
I live with a mentally ill husband. He says he hates his family for not protecting him when he was young. We\u2019ve been married for 14 years and I dearly love him. He looks at porn and asks me why I can\u2019t look like the women in the videos.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n
I\u2019ve started starving myself so I will look like them so he\u2019ll notice me. I will do whatever it takes to get him to notice me and say, \u201cI love you.\u201d Is this the right way to do this?<\/b><\/p>\n
Alena<\/b><\/p>\n
Dear Alena,<\/p>\n
His behavior is totally unacceptable, but so is your response. Your self-esteem is really battered if you\u2019ll starve yourself so he\u2019ll notice you. He\u2019s making you feel badly about yourself in order to feel better about himself. It\u2019s a sick cycle and it must end.<\/p>\n
Your husband doesn\u2019t seem to understand that porn is fantasy. It\u2019s superficial sex, and it certainly is not about intimacy. Many women in pornography have had multiple plastic surgeries. They also get paid well. It\u2019s their job. The biggest stars have trainers, dieticians, aestheticians and other experts involved in every aspect of their look \u2014 from their body to their make-up to their hair.<\/p>\n
You say he hates those who didn\u2019t protect him when he was younger. Well, who protects you from his stinging comments? If he can\u2019t love you for who you are, then he can\u2019t love you.<\/p>\n
Your husband of 14 years should love you for you; not demand you look like a porn star. To compare you to women in pornography is childish, shallow and illustrates a complete lack of respect.<\/p>\n
Look to yourself to find happiness. You say you\u2019d do anything to hear him say, \u201cI love you.\u201d Realize that sometimes love is not enough.<\/p>\n
If you can appreciate yourself for who and what you are, it will be easy to say, \u201cthis is who I am, accept me for that or it\u2019s over.\u201d After putting up with this for 14 years, I seriously doubt he\u2019s going to change now.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not an advocate of ultimatums except in dire cases, but in your case, it\u2019s necessary. He either treats you like his wife, with love and respect, or call it quits. If he won\u2019t treat you the way you deserve, give yourself a divorce and get rid of this jerk.<\/p>\n
Dr. Archer<\/p>\n
Dear Dr. Archer,<\/b><\/p>\n
I\u2019m a 31-year-old woman and feel my life is going nowhere. I\u2019m scared of change and that fear is destroying my confidence.<\/b><\/p>\n
I\u2019m in my first serious relationship, which is quite dynamic. We argue often, and it annoys me when my boyfriend is abusive and rude towards others or me. We have tried separating several times, but those attempts were in vain.<\/b><\/p>\n
I\u2019m tired of this type of relationship. I\u2019m shy and anxious, and have been treated for depression since I was 24. People often take me for granted, no matter how hard I try to be nice and polite. I wish to have a more peaceful and happy life, but I don\u2019t have the courage within myself.<\/b><\/p>\n
I think I\u2019ve made the wrong choice for a partner. My parents have a similar relationship, and I believe that influenced me. My mother hates my father. They\u2019re very different, yet they still live together.<\/b><\/p>\n
I don\u2019t want a similar future because I struggled as a child in such a family.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n
I realize my life will remain the same if I don\u2019t change anything.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n
I need to write about this because there\u2019s no one I trust, and it really hurts to speak about this.<\/b><\/p>\n
Nikol<\/b><\/p>\n
Dear Nikol,<\/p>\n
All of us are afraid of change, so be aware you aren\u2019t alone. In fact, when we change jobs, move, lose a partner or end a relationship \u2014 any big change can bring apprehension, fear and even nausea. Change, however, is often a blessing in disguise.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s taking charge and making the adjustments we need in our daily lives that determines the success of our changes. It\u2019s all in attitude. In fact, almost always, change turns out to be not only a good thing, but also the best thing. It\u2019s all in your point of view.<\/p>\n
Your case is a prime example. What your boyfriend does now, he will keep doing in the future and he will get worse in the process. If you don\u2019t like it now, you certainly won\u2019t like it five, 10 or 20 years from now. No abusive, rude relationship is good; so end it. And this time, make it for good. No more excuses!<\/p>\n
Start having fun in your life. Get together with positive-minded friends, coworkers or family members and enjoy yourself. Treat others with respect, but demand respect for yourself, as well. You deserve nothing less.<\/p>\n
We are creatures of habit, and our brains like things to remain the same. What we know, even if it\u2019s not good for us, feels more comfortable than doing something different to make our life better.<\/p>\n
However, adapting to change and even encouraging change can and usually does lead to bigger and better things in life. It\u2019s only when you adapt to change that you can look back and wonder, \u201cWhat took me so long to do that?\u201d<\/p>\n
I encourage you to embrace change. Tack up this quotation of Albert Einstein: \u201cThe world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.\u201d Remember \u2014 change will make you stronger, happier and more fulfilled. Embrace this time in your life.<\/p>\n
Dr. Archer<\/p>\n
Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and the author of The ADHD Advantage and the New York Times\u2019 bestselling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dear Dr. Archer, I live with a mentally ill husband. He says he hates his family for not protecting him when he was young. We\u2019ve been married for 14 years and I dearly love him. He looks at porn and asks me why I can\u2019t look like the women in the videos.\u00a0 I\u2019ve started starving [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10,"featured_media":266,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[12],"tags":[820,34],"yoast_head":"\n