Dear Dr. Archer,<\/b><\/p>\n
I am a 50-year-old woman, and I\u2019m deeply in love with an admitted voyeur. He told me he was a voyeur early in our five-year relationship. His voyeurism has affected me in ways I never imagined. I am writing in desperation to save not only my sanity, but also my relationship with him.\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n
I consider myself to be open-minded, and have allowed him to live out some of his fantasies, like tying my wrists from the ceiling. I needed to see just how far he would take this. He has never shown any violence toward me ever.<\/b><\/p>\n
What is normal male behavior? I caught him masturbating while looking at much younger women on his phone. He tells me that he can only go two days without masturbating. He says he can\u2019t stop himself from looking at a sexy woman. I know this is true; he has no control when we are in public, or if he\u2019s watching television.<\/b><\/p>\n
He is a unique person, and that\u2019s what has attracted me to him. He requires constant stimulation, and I am aware that he has a fascination for drugs. He drinks some form of alcohol every day, even in the morning.<\/b><\/p>\n
I feel I can no longer stimulate him to the extent that he seems to need. He shows less interest in me, choosing to play online cards instead of spending his evenings with me. I believe I am a visually stimulating, sexually healthy woman, and I would like to keep this one and only man in my life.<\/b><\/p>\n
Please help me understand, so that I don\u2019t hurt anymore.<\/b><\/p>\n
Amber<\/b><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Dear Amber,<\/p>\n
The first thing you need to understand is that there are at least three distinct problems: his problem, your problem and the relationship problem.<\/p>\n
With respect to his problem: If he is breaking the law, or unknowingly risking significant losses (financial, personal or otherwise), constructive confrontation (not judgment) may be in order. He may have a psychiatric disorder, but this can only be confirmed if he begins by admitting that he has a problem. Then he must seek help, get a diagnosis and receive treatment.<\/p>\n
But, if he is aware of the risks of his behaviors and chooses to continue pursuing them, then he has chosen his priorities. Those who choose to continue a relationship with him do so with an understanding that his needs or addictions will generally supersede how they affect others. Ergo, \u201cBuyer Beware!\u201d To put it another way: Your needs and feelings come second.<\/p>\n
But your problem is different. You have entered a relationship that was initially exciting and hopeful, only to learn that the man you fell for is not a man who meets your needs. In fact, if it\u2019s love and respect you are seeking, you won\u2019t find it with him. Everything you have written suggests that sex will be the only connection you can maintain with him.<\/p>\n
You may try telling him that you can\u2019t go on like this, but I suspect you would only get justifications of his behavior, and suggestions that it is you who has a problem, if you can\u2019t be more like him.<\/p>\n
The relationship problem: This relationship was built on erotic sex. There is no other bond between you two. When the sex is no longer enough to keep you together, the relationship dies. Those who confuse sex with love will always be disappointed in the end.<\/p>\n
My advice, then, is to begin by reflecting on your goals, and on the qualities you seek in a long-term relationship. You strike me as someone who has been bored with traditional dating, and fell for someone who was different, erotic and challenging.<\/p>\n
I would urge you to share your relationship goals with your current \u201cpartner,\u201d and see if you can resolve your concerns.<\/p>\n
If he is unwilling to recognize and appreciate your needs, it\u2019s definitely time to move on. Remember, ending a relationship is difficult when there is a lingering sexual bond, but think of it as a lingering wound, and rip the bandage off (he\u2019s the bandage).<\/p>\n
I urge you not to cling to a relationship in order to find happiness, or to feel good; if you do, you will only find disappointment. Relationships last if you embrace them as a place to give, not take. Good luck.<\/p>\n
Dear Dr. Archer,<\/b><\/p>\n
My daughter is 28 years old, college educated, and the mother of my six-year-old grandson. She is neglectful, disrespectful and continually ignores my grandson.<\/b><\/p>\n
He\u2019s acting out, and crying for help. I called CPS, and apparently others did also, as my daughter told me they\u2019ve been out to \u201cvisit\u201d three times. Her behavior is bizarre. She constantly intimidates him and screams at him. He\u2019s hurt and damaged, and it\u2019s pathetic.<\/b><\/p>\n
CPS has done <\/b>nothing<\/i> to help this little boy. He\u2019s scared of my daughter, and the first thing he tells me on those rare occasions I\u2019m allowed to see him is how she hit him again. My heart breaks for this child.<\/b><\/p>\n
Does no one care? What about his school? CPS spoke with him, but as she told me, he knows what she will do to him if he ever says anything bad about her. He literally has spasms when she screams. I have never seen anything like this, and I feel so helpless. I\u2019m at the point where I can\u2019t stand to be around her.<\/b><\/p>\n
She constantly takes pictures of herself, and she dates guys that take advantage of her. I try so hard to be engaged, but honestly, I\u2019m at the point where I can\u2019t do this anymore.<\/b><\/p>\n
She used to have two great jobs, but she quit both of them, and she\u2019s been unemployed for over a year. Her Facebook page looks like a porn site \u2014 it\u2019s repulsive. She curses, yells and gets in fights. I\u2019m ashamed and embarrassed to even acknowledge that she is my daughter.<\/b><\/p>\n
Please help me to help my grandson. I tell him he\u2019s a good boy, no matter what, and that sometimes adults say and do things they don\u2019t mean. He\u2019s already so damaged by her I don\u2019t know what to do. God help this innocent little boy.<\/b><\/p>\n
Victoria<\/b><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Dear Victoria,<\/p>\n
Under the best of conditions, these reports and investigations would run smoothly, and no child would have to live with neglect or abuse. Unfortunately, that\u2019s not always the case. Caseworkers are so overworked that many children fall through the cracks.<\/p>\n
The best thing that could happen for your little grandson would be for him to live with you indefinitely. Talk with your daughter, and ask her if you can help out. Ask if your grandson can live with you until she\u2019s better able to take care of him. This may or may not be a welcomed offer, but it\u2019s worth a try. If she goes along with you then great \u2014 problem solved.<\/p>\n
If she refuses, go see CPS for a one-on-one talk with a caseworker supervisor. You\u2019re right; something needs to be done to protect this innocent child. Speaking with a supervisor will hopefully bring about some much-needed results. If you know of others who have called in a report, have them go with you. There\u2019s strength in numbers.<\/p>\n
If speaking to a supervisor doesn\u2019t bring about a change, then make a phone call to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, namely the Administration for Children and Families. You can also call the National Child Abuse Hotline: 800-4ACHILD (800-422-4453). Your local CPS must answer to them.<\/p>\n
You\u2019ve come this far; don\u2019t stop now. Your grandson needs you to fight for him.<\/p>\n
If this child is in danger, then I advise you to, as a last resort, seek the counsel of an attorney, and let him know what\u2019s going on. Apply for guardianship until your daughter can prove she can support her son, and has a clean mental health report.<\/p>\n
Children tell the truth when they say they\u2019re abused; they very rarely lie when they deny abuse. Your little grandson may be too scared to speak the truth, but you have an opportunity to be his voice and turn his life around. Good luck.<\/p>\n
Dr. Dale Archer is a Board Certified Psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana.\u00a0 He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News, and other national TV programs, and is the author of The ADHD Advantage and the New York Times bestseller Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dear Dr. Archer, I am a 50-year-old woman, and I\u2019m deeply in love with an admitted voyeur. He told me he was a voyeur early in our five-year relationship. His voyeurism has affected me in ways I never imagined. I am writing in desperation to save not only my sanity, but also my relationship with [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10,"featured_media":266,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[12],"tags":[820,34],"yoast_head":"\n