{"id":334,"date":"2013-10-03T16:09:36","date_gmt":"2013-10-03T21:09:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/19designstudio.com\/preview\/BestofSWLA\/?p=334"},"modified":"2013-10-04T01:06:46","modified_gmt":"2013-10-04T06:06:46","slug":"file-13-%e2%80%a2-october-3-2013-%e2%80%a2-new-wagon-rut","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/2013\/10\/03\/file-13-%e2%80%a2-october-3-2013-%e2%80%a2-new-wagon-rut\/","title":{"rendered":"THE NEW WAGON RUT"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"file<\/a>I don\u2019t think anybody would call what\u2019s going on in the big little town of Wagon Rut an economic boom. But some new businesses are opening, and folks are starting to take note.<\/p>\n

The business enterprise that\u2019s getting the most attention in Wagon Rut is the brand new Coonass Construction Co. The company\u2019s huge corrugated tin building is topped by the highly visible neon sign that flashes out CCC\u2019s unorthodox slogan: \u201cWhy Use A Redneck When You Can Use A Coonass?\u201d<\/p>\n

I went inside the new building and asked the manager, \u201cWhat\u2019s the difference between a coonass and a redneck?\u201d He said, \u201cthe Sabine River.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEnglish\u201d Billy Boynton, who spends so much time in Wagon Rut that he\u2019s rumored to live there, went to the opening reception of the Coonass Construction building. It was an enjoyable event, marred only by the collapse of the ceiling of much of the reception area.<\/p>\n

\u201cEnglish\u201d Billy scurried around the premises until he found a few old 4 by 4s that he shoved into the broken ceiling so that it could be temporarily propped up. There\u2019s nothing Cajun about \u201cEnglish\u201d Billy, but if there were, his quick and clever action on this occasion would count as a sterling instance of Cajun ingenuity.<\/p>\n

It turned out a small porch with a roof had been built right outside the reception area. Somehow, the roof was built with no pitch. As a result, each time it rained, water collected on the porch roof, then ran down the interior wall connected to it. The repeated soakings ruined the wall\u2019s studs, which had been set three feet apart to begin with.<\/p>\n

Repairs have been made and business is fine. The store is running a sale on used jack-posts. Supplies are limited.<\/p>\n

A less well-publicized new business in Wagon Rut is the Front Yard Used Autos operation. This innovative business venture started when a few clever neighbors realized that every yard in a block-long stretch of road was filled with vehicles.<\/p>\n

The rules of the new operation were simple. If a customer wanted a particular vehicle, he went to the front door of the house in the yard where the car was parked and asked about the price.<\/p>\n

The only cars that weren\u2019t for sale were those that were being repaired. Front Yard Used Autos owners made sure that cars under repair were always surrounded by groups of young men in t-shirts and gimme caps holding cans of beer, looking down on the auto engine and saying things like,\"Front<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a carburetor all right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYep, that\u2019s the carburetor.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I think it is.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s the carburetor.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYep.\u201d<\/p>\n

Even these under-repair vehicles could be bought if a customer wanted one bad enough. Sometimes, a customer approached a car being repaired and asked one of the beer drinkers \u201cHow much?\u201d To this question, the beer drinker replied, in a very loud voice, \u201cWell, uh, hell, uh, yeah, uh, well, why not? I reckon we could work something out.\u201d At that point, everyone around the vehicle broke out in the sort of hearty laugh such humorous statements warrant.<\/p>\n

This business venture could have had a real chance for success. Unfortunately, the combined weight of the vehicles caused all the front yards to collapse in a single night. What remained was 16 houses surrounded by, well, big holes with vehicles at the bottom of them. But homeowners are still thinking like entrepreneurs and trying to figure out what sort of tourist attraction might be formed out of the series of vehicular holes.<\/p>\n

A more successful new business venture in Wagon Rut is the Front Porch In The Carport Co. This business capitalizes on the idea that the accouterments of the traditional bayouland front porch could be placed in the driveway. This move, it is suggested, would provide variety for those who\u2019d grown weary of the front porch experience.<\/p>\n

A few residents have been skeptical, arguing that all the Front Porch In The Carport Co. does is set up eight folding chairs, a cable spool and an industrial waste can in the carport and deliver a bill for $2,500.<\/p>\n

But the owners of Front Porch In The Carport argue they provide a much-desired public service that consumers are willing to pay for. It\u2019s going to be hard to refute the argument. Receipts from Front Porch In The Carport owners prove that nearly half the population of Wagon Rut has already purchased a \u201ccarport front porch.\u201d<\/p>\n

While the revenues of small businesses may go up and down, Wagon Rut will always be able to rely on what is both its commercial and social center: Trey Trey\u2019s Mudbogging Emporium.<\/p>\n

The Emporium is keeping busy the same way it has for an astonishing four consecutive years \u2014 with business innovation. Just for starters, the store recently introduced its new, first-in-the-country ATV-wide aisles.<\/p>\n

\u201cCustomers can now drive their ATVs right into the store, through the concession stand, into bathrooms \u2014 even into the supply closets, if they feel like it,\u201d said proud owner Buster \u201cAmbully\u201d Higgs III. Customers on the Emporium\u2019s trademark Muddancing Floor have been told that even they must make room for ATV drivers.<\/p>\n

Also big at Trey Trey\u2019s is the popular new feature called Just Mud \u2014 an enormous cement pool (30 feet in diameter) filled with wet mud kept at body temperature. Rumors are that the mud has a strongly aphrodisiac effect on customers. But so far, there haven\u2019t been any complaints or any arrests.<\/p>\n

Of course, Just Mud is always popular. But the Thursday night Mudbobbin\u2019 For Beers event remains the biggest moneymaker in Wagon Rut. Plans for a Mudbobbin\u2019 For Beers Fest continue to be bandied about. Insurance issues remain a primary concern.<\/p>\n

Of course, Trey Trey\u2019s trademark Drive-Thru Mud Spray-On has been around for a couple of years now. Although the Spray-On was designed to coat ATVs with mud, it\u2019s almost as common to see a truck come through the drive-thru as an ATV. \u201cThat\u2019s a little funny, since it costs twice as much to get a truck \u2018mudded.\u2019 We call it \u2018mudded,\u2019\u201d says Higgs. \u201cATV drivers pay $10 for a mud spray-on; for trucks it\u2019s $20.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been working on a beer-mud spray-on,\u201d says Higgs. \u201cOf course, the vehicle would be covered in mud and smell like beer. But it\u2019s slow going. We\u2019re having some chemical problems. And beer is expensive. But we gone get there. We just barely got our ATV-wide aisles finished.\u201d<\/p>\n

One innovation in the hot spot is a new third floor that will be devoted entirely to wenches. Expect completion by late 2022 or early 2023.<\/p>\n

It looks as if even the arts may be getting a toehold in the business scene of the new Wagon Rut. \u201cWe can\u2019t allow ourselves to forget the arts,\u201d says Amateur Porn and Gigging Committee member Dusty \u201cGamebred\u201d Buell. As you may have heard, the Amateur Porn and Gigging Committee serves the same function as a Chamber of Commerce in Wagon Rut.<\/p>\n

Wagon Rut just received a grant from the Texas Commission of the Arts to start a new arts-oriented business venture: the Book On A Shirt store.<\/p>\n

The shop\u2019s only been in business a month, but owner Donny \u201cDogman\u201d Devereux thinks he can already spot some trends. \u201cMost people just want the cover of the book on their T-shirts. You know, they want the cover of Twilight or Fifty Shades of Whatever or the owner\u2019s manual for the 2013 Ford F-150 SVT Raptor 4X4. You know, the popular books.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut a few people want quotations from books on their shirts. So far I\u2019ve put on \u2018You are every dream I\u2019ve ever had\u2019 from The Notebook; \u2018Dreams are more powerful than facts\u2019 from Everything I Needed In Kindergarten I Wanted; and \u2018Dream happy dreams,\u2019 from Eclipse. Man, I wish I could buy stock in this dream stuff. Talk about a market trend.\u201d<\/p>\n

When he was asked if he might one day sell three-dimensional books made of paper and ink in his store, Devereux laughed and said, \u201cGotta admit I never thought of that one. It\u2019s a pretty good funny, though. Come to think of it, we might put those Twilight novels in a couple of years down the line. We\u2019ll see if there\u2019s any demand for them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Of course, if anyone in Wagon Rut wants to buy three-dimensional books, the Yankee Paul \u201cNo Nickname\u201d Emerson still sells them out of his basement. Through the entire month of October, he says, he\u2019s having a sale on \u201call the writings of the Bronte sisters.\u201d I\u2019m doubtful the basement will be able to hold the crowds that\u2019ll show up for that one. Of course, if you want to buy romances, Christian fiction or books by Ann Coulter, you can skip the trip to Emerson\u2019s place; he doesn\u2019t sell those kinds of books. La di da.<\/p>\n

Of course, Wagon Rut\u2019s longtime center of the high arts \u2014 the Duck, Fish, Dog And Bayou Paintings Store \u2014 is doing a brisk business, as always.<\/p>\n

Owner Beau \u201cCree Cree\u201d Moutree has recently added paintings of American flags, crosses and fleur de lis. And he\u2019s anticipating a big change \u2014 the addition of paintings of people.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve already commissioned some paintings of a guy in a duck blind and an old lady basting a turkey. We\u2019ll see how they do,\u201d says Moutree. \u201cThe arts change, and we must change with them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Of course, not all business ideas are going to click \u2014 even in the new Wagon Rut. When young entrepreneur David Ignatow approached the\u00a0 Amateur Porn and Gigging Committee about getting a grant for a shop to sell educational toys, he first had to explain to the group what an educational toy is. When committee members came to understand what Ignatow was talking about, they started snickering and, very shortly later, broke into open laugher, with outspoken committee member Gunner \u201cSkin Stapler\u201d Boone yelling at Ignatow, \u201cCome back when you grow up!\u201d<\/p>\n

Of course, the biggest business challenge to the area is the recent loss of one of Wagon Rut\u2019s commercial anchors: Shane\u2019s Boudin and Dutch Pornography Hut. The Amateur Porn and Gigging Committee is working feverishly to get \u201cThe Hut\u201d back in operation.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve done everything we can to help Shane get back on his feet,\u201d said committee member Jarvis \u201cShotgun\u201d Hoggins. \u201cI even offered to hold his Dutch pornography for him during this difficult transitional time. But Shane likes to go it on his own. I think he\u2019s having some real trouble with his grease trap.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not all about business,\u201d said Hoggins. \u201cMost of us grew up taking our sweethearts hut dunking [dunking links of deep-fried boudin into headcheese dip]. These are memories we can\u2019t afford to lose.\u201d<\/p>\n

So, it\u2019s not all rosy for the Wagon Rut economy. But if anybody knows about business, it\u2019s \u201cEnglish\u201d Billy. He says business in Wagon Rut is good. \u201cI can sell anything here. Anything.<\/p>\n

\u201cI mean, just look around you, mate. The place is poor and dirty, but it\u2019s full of Hummers and Escalades. I had a bloke tell me the other day that his Hummer was his Jesus Hummer. So I showed him a bookmark I\u2019d made by laminating a picture of Jesus I clipped out of a Jehovah\u2019s Witnesses tract. He gave me $20 for it without thinking twice. I think I could have gotten $25.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I\u2019m making my pitch, all I have to do is throw in some statement like, \u2018but it may be more than you can afford.\u2019 That\u2019s it; I feel money in my palm immediately. A friend just paid off a debt with a truck-full of VHS tapes of Charlie\u2019s Angels episodes. I guarantee you I will sell every one within a month. They say there\u2019s no such thing as a sure thing, but this is a sure thing, mate. You think maybe you\u2019d want to buy one? I can give you 10 percent off right up front.\u201d<\/p>\n

This, then, is a brief tour of the little big town of the new Wagon Rut, which is hoping that with future big business success, it may one day enjoy prosperity that rivals that of Snake\u2019s Belly.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I don\u2019t think anybody would call what\u2019s going on in the big little town of Wagon Rut an economic boom. But some new businesses are opening, and folks are starting to take note. The business enterprise that\u2019s getting the most attention in Wagon Rut is the brand new Coonass Construction Co. The company\u2019s huge corrugated [&hellip<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":302,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nTHE NEW WAGON RUT - BestOfSwla<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/2013\/10\/03\/file-13-\u2022-october-3-2013-\u2022-new-wagon-rut\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"THE NEW WAGON RUT - BestOfSwla\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I don\u2019t think anybody would call what\u2019s going on in the big little town of Wagon Rut an economic boom. But some new businesses are opening, and folks are starting to take note. The business enterprise that\u2019s getting the most attention in Wagon Rut is the brand new Coonass Construction Co. The company\u2019s huge corrugated [&hellip\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/2013\/10\/03\/file-13-\u2022-october-3-2013-\u2022-new-wagon-rut\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"BestOfSwla\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/bestofswla\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2013-10-03T21:09:36+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2013-10-04T06:06:46+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/09\/file-13-inet.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"610\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"250\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Brad Goins\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Brad Goins\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"10 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/2013\/10\/03\/file-13-%e2%80%a2-october-3-2013-%e2%80%a2-new-wagon-rut\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/2013\/10\/03\/file-13-%e2%80%a2-october-3-2013-%e2%80%a2-new-wagon-rut\/\",\"name\":\"THE NEW WAGON RUT - BestOfSwla\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2013-10-03T21:09:36+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2013-10-04T06:06:46+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/#\/schema\/person\/95a5d9d1f179dc3e9458d6eb389ade29\"},\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/2013\/10\/03\/file-13-%e2%80%a2-october-3-2013-%e2%80%a2-new-wagon-rut\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/2013\/10\/03\/file-13-%e2%80%a2-october-3-2013-%e2%80%a2-new-wagon-rut\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/2013\/10\/03\/file-13-%e2%80%a2-october-3-2013-%e2%80%a2-new-wagon-rut\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"THE NEW WAGON RUT\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/\",\"name\":\"BestOfSwla\",\"description\":\"Powered by Lagniappe Magazine\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/#\/schema\/person\/95a5d9d1f179dc3e9458d6eb389ade29\",\"name\":\"Brad Goins\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/127d8f200ddd121b19e50619fddcb3cf?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/127d8f200ddd121b19e50619fddcb3cf?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Brad Goins\"},\"url\":\"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/author\/bradgoins\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"THE NEW WAGON RUT - BestOfSwla","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/2013\/10\/03\/file-13-\u2022-october-3-2013-\u2022-new-wagon-rut\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"THE NEW WAGON RUT - BestOfSwla","og_description":"I don\u2019t think anybody would call what\u2019s going on in the big little town of Wagon Rut an economic boom. But some new businesses are opening, and folks are starting to take note. The business enterprise that\u2019s getting the most attention in Wagon Rut is the brand new Coonass Construction Co. The company\u2019s huge corrugated [&hellip","og_url":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/2013\/10\/03\/file-13-\u2022-october-3-2013-\u2022-new-wagon-rut\/","og_site_name":"BestOfSwla","article_publisher":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/bestofswla","article_published_time":"2013-10-03T21:09:36+00:00","article_modified_time":"2013-10-04T06:06:46+00:00","og_image":[{"width":610,"height":250,"url":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/09\/file-13-inet.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Brad Goins","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Brad Goins","Est. reading time":"10 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/2013\/10\/03\/file-13-%e2%80%a2-october-3-2013-%e2%80%a2-new-wagon-rut\/","url":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/2013\/10\/03\/file-13-%e2%80%a2-october-3-2013-%e2%80%a2-new-wagon-rut\/","name":"THE NEW WAGON RUT - BestOfSwla","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/#website"},"datePublished":"2013-10-03T21:09:36+00:00","dateModified":"2013-10-04T06:06:46+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/#\/schema\/person\/95a5d9d1f179dc3e9458d6eb389ade29"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/2013\/10\/03\/file-13-%e2%80%a2-october-3-2013-%e2%80%a2-new-wagon-rut\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/2013\/10\/03\/file-13-%e2%80%a2-october-3-2013-%e2%80%a2-new-wagon-rut\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/2013\/10\/03\/file-13-%e2%80%a2-october-3-2013-%e2%80%a2-new-wagon-rut\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"THE NEW WAGON RUT"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/#website","url":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/","name":"BestOfSwla","description":"Powered by Lagniappe Magazine","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/#\/schema\/person\/95a5d9d1f179dc3e9458d6eb389ade29","name":"Brad Goins","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/127d8f200ddd121b19e50619fddcb3cf?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/127d8f200ddd121b19e50619fddcb3cf?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Brad Goins"},"url":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/author\/bradgoins\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/334"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=334"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/334\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/302"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=334"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=334"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bestofswla.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=334"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}