Can you bring me a new name for Christmas? My mom stuk me with one of theese stupid made up names and I hate it. I can’t even spel it. I just want to be a short word person. I can stil be me even if its an old name.
I-phil’ya (It may have mor letters) from New Orleans
Dear I Feel You,
I hated my name too. Ever heard of a “Santa”, except for me? I thought my momma must have been on dope. It all comes down to what you do, and how you do it. If I had been bad, then Santa would be a bad word. Be a good person, and then your name will stand for that.
Plese make me grow up. I am tired of being a litle kid.
I won’t me mad if you still give me toys two.
Love, J from Lake Chuck
I am going to give you the gift of No. Be your age, stay your age, do it one day at a time. 20,000 days from now you’ll appreciate not missing a single one of these youngster days.
What is Nick Saban getting for Christmas?
O, from Baton Rouge
Dear (coach?) O,
Coach Saban is getting a year’s supply of humble pie. Don’t be too happy though. To be excellent once is rare. To sustain it, year after year, is almost superhuman. Someone with his personality, he’ll digest it as motivation.
None of us really need anything. I feel very bah-humbug. What should I do?
Abbe from Sulphur
Be thankful. Of the hundred billion that ever lived, of the seven billion alive right now, not many would write Santa the same letter.
The last thing you need is more. Thought about giving?
I was thinking of getting the president a Christmas gift. Any suggestions?
B.C. from Moss Bluff
Give him a Jerry Jones mirror. Tell him to pay attention to Mr. Jones, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys. Jerry talks too much. The same favorite words, the same delivery, the same expressions, same gestures. It’s different, at first, but it doesn’t wear well.
If you don’t like the Cowboys, it’s because of the owner. If you do like the Cowboys, it’s despite the owner.
Despite all that jolly ho-ho-ho stuff, I secretly suspect you’re an introvert.
Yes, I am an introvert. I’d have been a terrible mailman. With this Santa gig, I get 364 days to work myself up for the big public moment. And even then, look how I play it, sneaking in at night.
The elves don’t need any supervision, and if they do, they go to Mrs. Claus. She kinda runs the place. Many days, you’ll find me out by the snow pasture. I enjoy watching the reindeer graze. It’s peaceful.
(Please pass my regards along to Tom Hanks. Tell him I enjoyed his Mr. Rogers role.)
Do you stay at the North Pole all year, or do you go beyond?
The North Pole has every shade of white you’ll ever want to see. To get other colors, we travel. We’ve done all the cruises. Except Alaska. We came through Louisiana a while back. Hit all those little mom ‘n pop cajun food joints. I like those boudin balls.
All I want for Christmas is for LSU to win the national championship.
Also, I really don’t want to be drafted by Miami or Cincinnati.
Joe B. from Ohio (and Baton Rouge)
I see here, that you’ve had a very nice year. Whatever you’ve been doing, keep doing it.
I see your draft predicament. Going to a dud team might end up doing you some good. If things are too easy, you’ll never know what you’re capable of.
On the other hand, you’d be a fine fit in New England. The candles on Tom Brady’s birthday cakes are starting to put off quite the flame.
When should I tell my kids the truth about you?
Liz from DeRidder
The age of innocence gets shorter and shorter. Don’t hurry it even a day.
Do you use Amazon?
The reindeer are getting older. Prancer and Dancer have replacement hips. Comet was stove up with gout two years ago. The sleigh gets a little top heavy, and every year that first takeoff gets more adventuresome. Couple years back, we nearly clipped the top of a billboard lawyer sign.
We’ve begun to use “other means” of getting things where they need to get. I still come down the chimney. If they left milk and cookies, I’ll leave a few AA batteries in case they forgot.
Coincidentally, there’s a guy named Jeff who owns Amazon…
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This edition of Uncle P’s Bedtime Stories is written in hopes that you have a gentle Christmas. You can find many more Bedtime Stories on the Eighty-one Facebook page. Uncle P can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.