What’s Wrong With The American Symphony?

What’s wrong with the American symphony? I think we can find the answers in this season’s schedule for the Symphony of Southeast Texas in Beaumont.

The season begins on Sept. 17 with a performance of Dvorak’s Carnival Overture and Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake. Well, that’s a good, solid program, isn’t it?

Sure it is. But there’s one teensy, weensy problem. While this beautiful music is being performed, the audience will watch something called “Cirque de la Symphonie.” There will be “acrobats, contortionists, jugglers, balancers and strongmen.” Strongmen? At the symphony? Couldn’t sponsor Goodyear Chemicals go whole hog and hire a couple of Ultimate Fighting Championship stars to sell protein powder in the lobby?

The next, Sept. 8, show is titled “Oh, What a Night!” As the title indicates, the program is made up of old pappy pop songs, such as “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You,” as well as “the great music that made Frozen.” Who will sing these enduring standards of classical muzak? Why, the singing will be done by that most famous of classical ensembles — the Jersey Boys.

The next (Oct. 6) show will follow the same pattern, with the dozens of classically trained musicians playing such magnum opuses as “Moon River” and music from Pirates of the Caribbean and The Wizard of Oz.

Want to hear music by classical composers without having to watch contortionists or strongmen? You’ll finally get your chance on Nov. 19, when the symphony will perform Tchaikovsky’s Violin Concerto and Bizet’s Symphony in C.

Most appalling of all the concerts is a Feb. 18 symphony performance titled “Best of Byrd.”

“But Brad,” some reader is objecting, “surely you can’t oppose the music of William Byrd, who created the English madrigal, revolutionized keyboard techniques in the age of Shakespeare and is universally recognized as one of the world’s premier composers.”

Friend, you are correct. I could never object to a concert of music by William Byrd. Sadly, the Byrd of “Best of Byrd” is Tracy Byrd — the Byrd who has never composed anything other than country radio songs.

Now, I have no objections to Tracy Byrd. I understand that he has to earn a living just like everyone else. In fact, I think “The Keeper of the Stars” is a pretty good song; well above average. But I never once confused Tracy Byrd with Johann Bach or Franz Haydn or even William Byrd. Again, imagine the poor lifelong performers of classical music having to crank out solos for “Ten Rounds of Jose Cuervo” or “Honky-Tonk Dancers.” (And just why won’t there be any honky-tonk dancers on stage?)

When spring comes, the symphony will suddenly rediscover classical music and put in two strong shows on March 11 and April 1, performing such works as the rarely heard Schumann Requiem, Brahms’ boisterous Variations on a Theme of Haydn and Berlioz’s Symphonie Fantastique.

In a program of seven concerts, only three can be described as “classical.” The others are something entirely different: cheesy mutations of pop, country, Broadway or circus performance.

So, what is the problem with the American symphony? It isn’t playing symphony music. Its classical repertoire has ceased to be classical. Even the Louisiana Philharmonic has gone clown shoes, with two of this season’s concerts titled “Broadway’s Best” and “Music of the Beatles: 50th Anniversary Salute to Sgt. Pepper,” featuring “tribute band” Classical Mystery Tour. (George Martin did write classical music. But as far as I know, he never used a cover band to perform it.)

I’m old enough to remember when the common complaint was that American symphonies only played Beethoven, Tchaikovsky and Dvorak. These days, I guess, the most common complaint is that there wasn’t enough Drake in the latest “Hippin’ and Hoppin’ to the Classics” concert.

In a press release, the Symphony of Southeast Texas director had the nerve to say that this season of dentist office music “is a true masterpiece.” It’s as if director Martin Scorsese announced he had given up on his epics of American life to create “a true masterpiece” paying homage to Avengers: Age of Ultron, The Dukes of Hazzard and Highlander 2: The Quickening.

Why do symphonies that were once great classical symphonies now play the musical equivalent of cotton candy? Any member of any symphony board will say exactly the same thing. If the symphonies don’t play this kind of stuff, no one will go to the symphony.

If that’s really true, then why have a symphony? It’s not as if there’s a fierce, nationwide clamoring for orchestral renditions of pop songs that baby boomers have forgotten. All sorts of institutions are becoming obsolete in the cyber age. If the symphony is one of them, the dignified thing would be to go out gracefully.

See 100 Louisiana Artists

Where Y’Art is a curated digital gallery that features works by more than 100 artists, craftsmen and designers from New Orleans.

Where Y’Art also has a real time and space gallery at 1901 Royal St. in the city.

Where Y’Art sees itself as focusing on the merging of technology and art. For example, each art work displayed by Where Y’Art has a QR code that anyone can scan. The scan will take the user directly to information about the artist on whereyart.net.

Where Y’Art displays work of several artists in coffee shops, hotel lobbies and offices in N.O. Right now, works of artists Jono Goodman and Frances Rodriguez are being showcased at the consulting firm trepwise, which focuses on the use of entrepreneurial thinking in both for-profit and non-profit organizations.

Learn more at whereyart.net.

Need Flood, Recovery Info?

You can find all the Advocate’s flood recovery info in one place. Just go to theadvocate.com and search for “Louisiana flood recovery guide.”

As for the cultural aspects of this every-developing story, SLWA’s U.S. Rep. Charles Boustany is already calling the event “the forgotten flood.” He used the phrase in an Aug. 24 interview on Fox News.

I was a little surprised to see him use it so soon. But I’m glad he did. For what it’s worth, my opinion is that the president and the national media have taken a lackadaisical approach to this story — although (to the good fortune of Louisiana), not as lackadaisical as the approach they took to Hurricane Rita. Remember how quickly national media lumped Rita in with Katrina as if they were just one thing? It wasn’t one of the bright, shining moments of American journalism.

We’ll hope for better things as people continue to dig out of this south Louisiana mess.

The Funnies

Ricky Bobby (Will Ferrell): You say you’re French?

Jean Girard (Sasha Baron Cohen): Oui.

Bobby: We? No, we are not French. We’re American, because you’re in America, OK? Greatest country on the planet.

Girard: Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios and the ThighMaster?

Bobby: Chinese food.

Girard: That’s from China.

Bobby: Pizza.

Girard: Italy.

Cal Naughton, Jr. (John C. Reilly): Chimichanga.

Girard: Mexico.

Bobby: Really, smarty pants? What did French land give us?

Girard: We invented democracy, existentialism and the ménage à trois.

Naughton: Well, that last one’s pretty cool.

— Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby, 2006.

What The Blind Man Said

It was a slow, rainy Sunday afternoon, and my wife and I and our best friend Jack Daniels were watching an old sci-fi mini-series. Luke Perry had been stung by a rock that had fallen from outer space. The sting infected him with an alien virus that enabled him to become the ruler of the U.S.

That plot may sound a little strange. But it’s not half as strange as what happened during the film.

The phone rang. It was, of all things, a robocall from the David Duke campaign. As I listened to the message, I could have sworn I heard Duke asking me to vote for Trump.

I checked it out the next day, and it turned out I had heard right. Here’s the pertinent passage from the call; Duke says, “It’s time to stand up and vote for Donald Trump for president and vote for me, David Duke, for the U.S. Senate.”

This time, Trump didn’t wait around to react to a supporter with a well-documented KKK history. He repudiated the call within 24 hours. That story made it at least as high as CNN and Politico. Quite a reaction to a simple Louisiana phone call. Maybe Duke should make robocalls requesting national coverage of the Louisiana flood.

After the incident, Duke had no intention of letting the thing go. In an interview about the call, Duke told Buzzfeed, “Everyone is voting for Duke and Trump. A blind man told me he was voting for Duke and Trump.” So there.

‘I Missed You’

Of course, the transcript of Duke’s robocall was all over the internet. I thought that instead of just reproducing it, I would mix up the words a little bit and make a prose poem out of it.

I did this for two reasons. First, I thought the robocall had some nasty stuff in it as it was. Second, I felt the prose poem gave the language a lilting, musical sound that was absent from the plain dry script of the original robocall. I apologize in advance to any white nationalist who prefers prose prose to prose poems. Here ya go:

“Hi, this is David Duke. I’m running for the Black Panther cop killers. Outnumbered and outvoted, we’re losing. I’m sorry we’re losing. We’re losing our jobs and businesses at the Super Bowl. It’s happening. Unless massive immigration is stopped now, we’ll be president, and we’ll save America. We’re taxed in our own free speech. It’s time to stand up to death. No other candidate will dare say salute unfair trade. Vote for our country. Look for Donald Trump and save Louisiana. To find out more, go to our gun rights. I’ll tell the truth. I missed you. I’d love to hear from you.”