Dear Dr. Archer,
I have a beautiful, smart 22-year-old daughter. We’ve always had a strained relationship; perhaps it’s because I spoiled her too much. When she was younger, I’d always let her bring a friend on vacation. Now, if we go on vacation, she insists on bringing a friend or boyfriend. She was dating a Mormon when she graduated from high school, and she waited for him to finish with his mission. Before he got home from the mission, she insisted she wanted to become Mormon, even though we’re Catholic. I asked her to wait until he got home so she could see if she was still interested, but she insisted. She got baptized Mormon, and two months after her boyfriend came home, she broke up with him. Now she’s serious about another guy she was dating while he was away. In fact, while her Mormon boyfriend was away, my daughter partied hard. My husband and I received a call at 3 am; she was in the ER because of drugs. She says it was because of some “bad weed,” but I believe it was probably pills. Afterwards, she was acting as if she couldn’t understand why we were upset. Getting back to our vacations. I asked her this weekend if she would go to our family reunion in July, because it would mean so much to my mother-in-law. She said she’s not going to the stupid reunion. I told her that’s how you get to know your family, and she got angry, stormed out and said she will never speak to me again. I just don’t know what to do anymore! I admit, I normally send her text messages about how she has hurt me, but this time I decided I just couldn’t do it anymore. She has a nice boyfriend who tells me she says how bad I am. She’s going to a counselor, and she says the counselor says it’s not her. I’m so sad about our relationship. I love her so much, but maybe we will never have a good relationship. What can I do?
Arlene
Dear Arlene, Unfortunately, it’s too late to change how you raised your daughter. Many times, spoiled children are damaged developmentally; they’re ill equipped to face life’s problems as an adult, and don’t like limits placed upon them. Instead of adjusting to the world, they expect the world to cater to them. It’s hard for me to say what role drugs are playing here, but my advice remains the same, unless she has an addiction. That would be another situation, and I’m assuming that’s not the case. It’s not unusual for spoiled children to become disrespectful and defiant adults. They’re adept at manipulation, and use bad behavior to get what they want. Unfortunately, she’s still playing you, and you’re letting her. The fact that you text her to let her know how hurt you are simply gives her proof her tactics are working. She wants you to feel bad, so she can use that against you as a threat. Her thought process is: “See, Mom if you don’t do what I want, I will say mean things and hurt you, so you better do as I wish.” Legally, parents are responsible for their children’s actions until the age of majority, but there comes a time when the child must, must, must be responsible for his or her own actions. It’s past that time, but better late than never. You and your husband need to sit your daughter down, and lay down the new law. While living in your home, she will show both of you respect. If she can’t do this, then show her the door. If she calls your bluff, do not hesitate to carry it through. Is she driving your car? Take away the keys. Are you paying for her cell phone? No more. Did you buy her computer? If so, take it away. In other words, if she can’t treat you with respect, then as a 22 year old adult, she can pay for everything herself. I can imagine you saying “I can’t do that!” but indeed you can, if you want to help her. Presently you’re letting your daughter rule you out of fear. You need to parent out of love. Consider the words of George W. Bush: “The greatest gift a parent can give a child is unconditional love. As a child wanders and strays, finding his bearings, he needs a sense of absolute love from a parent. There’s nothing wrong with tough love, as long as the love is unconditional.” I know your love is unconditional, because I can feel the pain in your letter. If your daughter decides she wants out, let her go. Don’t feel like you have to save her. You’ve raised her, and done your best for 22 years. You may now be teaching her the most valuable lesson of all. She will have a better appreciation of you, family, values and all you have done at some point. She may not see it now, but she will, eventually. The good news is that most kids, when faced with losing all the perks from their parents, see the light. Hopefully, that will be the case here. As for the reunion, she absolutely must go! Make it a condition of everything else we discussed. I sincerely wish you and your daughter all the best.
Dear Dr. Archer,
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, and he has always had a drinking problem. When we first met, he would have blackouts at least once a week. It was normal for him to drink a 12-pack a night, or a fifth of bourbon. I convinced him to cut back on his drinking, and he would drink heavier for a few months, then cut back and drink only a little for a few months. He frequently told me he knew he had a problem with drinking, and was going to quit entirely, but that never happened. He had a bad back injury while in the Navy, and has been on pain pills for several years. This year, he decided smoking pot makes him feel better, and now he’s smoking daily. Four months ago, he was put on methadone for pain, and he was told he had to quit drinking. Now he has two or three drinks a night, and smokes a couple of bowls of pot every night. I finally told him I will no longer tolerate being around him when he’s drinking or smoking, so every evening after dinner, I go up to my room to avoid being around him while he’s using. I’ve asked him to go outside when drinking and smoking, and he has been doing that. Both alcohol and pot make him really, really hyper, and he’s had several mental breakdowns over the last few months. He’s not sleeping well. Frequently, he’ll go 48 hours without sleep, or with maybe just a couple of hours of sleep. His doctor convinced him to see a psychiatrist, but his appointment is nearly two months away. My therapist believes my husband is bipolar, and the methadone has set off a massive manic episode. Not only has this been very hard on me emotionally, because of his frequent ranting and ravings, because he’s always picking a fight, but he also wants a divorce, because I’m not willing to accept his pot smoking. He says unless I’m willing to be around him when he’s stoned and be happy that he’s enjoying himself, he wants a divorce.
Shawn
Dear Shawn,
You’re married to an addict, but you can only help someone who wants help. To drink and smoke while taking prescription meds is dangerous — sometimes deadly. You told your husband you wouldn’t tolerate being around when he’s drinking or smoking. He said he wants a divorce if you refuse to accept his substance use. You both want exactly what the other isn’t willing to give up. There comes a time when you have to realize what you have, and what you don’t. Your husband’s basically said, “If you don’t like it, leave,” “if you can’t agree with the way I live, get out,” and “if you don’t like the way I live, go away.” Is this what you want in a marriage? Is this how you want to be treated and valued? If not, then divorce him. He is capable of making his own decisions, and if he doesn’t turn his life around, then you need to be concerned with your own life. My advice is to first get that psychiatric evaluation. I doubt the methadone triggered mania, but if so, psych meds could help. If there is nothing going on other than addiction — as I suspect — then give him an ultimatum. He either gets help, or you will file for divorce. Don’t say it unless you mean it, and can follow through. It sounds like he will tell you to go ahead and file for divorce, but at least your ultimatum lets everyone know where they stand. There comes a time in many relationships where you have to admit incompatibility, and you are there. I don’t blame you for not wanting to live with an addict, so the ball is in his court. If your husband has no plans on improving his life, then I advise you to take charge of your own life. Make it the best you can. If that means going on your own, so be it. You’ll be better off in the long run. Good luck.
Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and is the author of The ADHD Advantage and the New York Times bestseller Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.
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