SHOULD WIFE LOOK LIKE A PORN STAR?

Dale Archer, M.D. Thursday, February 18, 2016 Comments Off on SHOULD WIFE LOOK LIKE A PORN STAR?
SHOULD WIFE LOOK LIKE A PORN STAR?

Dear Dr. Archer,

I live with a mentally ill husband. He says he hates his family for not protecting him when he was young. We’ve been married for 14 years and I dearly love him. He looks at porn and asks me why I can’t look like the women in the videos. 

I’ve started starving myself so I will look like them so he’ll notice me. I will do whatever it takes to get him to notice me and say, “I love you.” Is this the right way to do this?

Alena

Dear Alena,

His behavior is totally unacceptable, but so is your response. Your self-esteem is really battered if you’ll starve yourself so he’ll notice you. He’s making you feel badly about yourself in order to feel better about himself. It’s a sick cycle and it must end.

Your husband doesn’t seem to understand that porn is fantasy. It’s superficial sex, and it certainly is not about intimacy. Many women in pornography have had multiple plastic surgeries. They also get paid well. It’s their job. The biggest stars have trainers, dieticians, aestheticians and other experts involved in every aspect of their look — from their body to their make-up to their hair.

You say he hates those who didn’t protect him when he was younger. Well, who protects you from his stinging comments? If he can’t love you for who you are, then he can’t love you.

Your husband of 14 years should love you for you; not demand you look like a porn star. To compare you to women in pornography is childish, shallow and illustrates a complete lack of respect.

Look to yourself to find happiness. You say you’d do anything to hear him say, “I love you.” Realize that sometimes love is not enough.

If you can appreciate yourself for who and what you are, it will be easy to say, “this is who I am, accept me for that or it’s over.” After putting up with this for 14 years, I seriously doubt he’s going to change now.

I’m not an advocate of ultimatums except in dire cases, but in your case, it’s necessary. He either treats you like his wife, with love and respect, or call it quits. If he won’t treat you the way you deserve, give yourself a divorce and get rid of this jerk.

Dr. Archer

Dear Dr. Archer,

I’m a 31-year-old woman and feel my life is going nowhere. I’m scared of change and that fear is destroying my confidence.

I’m in my first serious relationship, which is quite dynamic. We argue often, and it annoys me when my boyfriend is abusive and rude towards others or me. We have tried separating several times, but those attempts were in vain.

I’m tired of this type of relationship. I’m shy and anxious, and have been treated for depression since I was 24. People often take me for granted, no matter how hard I try to be nice and polite. I wish to have a more peaceful and happy life, but I don’t have the courage within myself.

I think I’ve made the wrong choice for a partner. My parents have a similar relationship, and I believe that influenced me. My mother hates my father. They’re very different, yet they still live together.

I don’t want a similar future because I struggled as a child in such a family. 

I realize my life will remain the same if I don’t change anything. 

I need to write about this because there’s no one I trust, and it really hurts to speak about this.

Nikol

Dear Nikol,

All of us are afraid of change, so be aware you aren’t alone. In fact, when we change jobs, move, lose a partner or end a relationship — any big change can bring apprehension, fear and even nausea. Change, however, is often a blessing in disguise.

It’s taking charge and making the adjustments we need in our daily lives that determines the success of our changes. It’s all in attitude. In fact, almost always, change turns out to be not only a good thing, but also the best thing. It’s all in your point of view.

Your case is a prime example. What your boyfriend does now, he will keep doing in the future and he will get worse in the process. If you don’t like it now, you certainly won’t like it five, 10 or 20 years from now. No abusive, rude relationship is good; so end it. And this time, make it for good. No more excuses!

Start having fun in your life. Get together with positive-minded friends, coworkers or family members and enjoy yourself. Treat others with respect, but demand respect for yourself, as well. You deserve nothing less.

We are creatures of habit, and our brains like things to remain the same. What we know, even if it’s not good for us, feels more comfortable than doing something different to make our life better.

However, adapting to change and even encouraging change can and usually does lead to bigger and better things in life. It’s only when you adapt to change that you can look back and wonder, “What took me so long to do that?”

I encourage you to embrace change. Tack up this quotation of Albert Einstein: “The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” Remember — change will make you stronger, happier and more fulfilled. Embrace this time in your life.

Dr. Archer

Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and the author of The ADHD Advantage and the New York Times’ bestselling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.

Comments are closed.