Dear Dr. Archer,
My sister was married four years ago and is very happy. She’s 38, and my mother is pressing her for grandchildren. Her husband would like children, too. But I’m not sure she wants to have the responsibility to be a mother now or ever.
She says this world is bad and questions how anyone could bring a child into it. And, given her and her husband’s current financial situation, I don’t think they can afford children.
It would be a shame to miss out on the beauty of bringing forth life. But while I tell her my own opinion about this, I feel guilty and think that perhaps I should not advise her at all. But if I don’t speak my opinion and she makes a mistake, what will I do?
I fear that if she were to have a baby, then I might want one myself. But I’m not prepared to support a baby. Is this wrong?
Marcia
Dear Marcia,
I think you are confusing your values and beliefs with those of your sister.
I don’t think everyone is programmed to be a parent. Having children is very different than raising children.
Becoming a parent is a life-changing event, requiring not only financial resources, but also the time and skills necessary to raise a child in a healthy way. I believe that one of the great mistakes a person can make is to have a child when they’re not able to provide a stable and supportive home environment.
Your sister seems to be clear that now is not the time for her to have a child. I would urge you to tell your sister that you will support her in any decision she makes. After that, you need to stay out of it as much as possible.
You can also tell your mother — once — that it is your sister’s choice and that she should stop harping on her. I repeat: this is no one’s decision except for your sister and husband.
If your sister decides to have a child, then be the best aunt you can be. Being involved in the child’s life will feed your maternal urges without adding the responsibility.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to become a mother. I urge you to take that giant step only when you’re 100 percent sure you’re ready for that incredible responsibility. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
Dear Dr. Archer,
How can I tell if I’m depressed or just unmotivated? I just don’t enjoy the things I used to love doing.
I’m overweight, so I know that slows me down. I try to keep doing the activities I’ve always enjoyed, like crafts, decorating, animals — but I no longer feel happiness.
I’m being treated for a chemical imbalance. I force myself to exercise and to go outside for walks, but I just feel more tired. I can’t sleep longer than four to six hours at a time, even with the help of pills. Pills just leave me groggy the next day.
I’ve told my doctor this, and he just changes the medications, but that doesn’t answer what’s going on. How can I know what’s wrong?
Anne
Dear Anne,
Not everyone who is depressed lacks motivation, and not everyone who is unmotivated is depressed. The symptoms described in your letter do sound like depression and it’s common for a depressed individual to lose interest in things that used to bring joy and satisfaction. So, give your doctor the benefit of the doubt.
It’s normal for antidepressants to be changed when a professional caregiver is treating depression, though there are times when the right medication is found quickly and easily. Keep in mind that when one is treating depression, trial and error is the norm.
You’re doing the right thing. Keep giving your doctor feedback about the medication — pros and cons — and that will help him tweak or change meds so that they will work best with your body chemistry.
Finally, I also suggest you start working with a therapist. There may be other issues at play here, and talk therapy could really help. And remember, if you question either your doctor or the diagnosis, it’s within your rights to get a second opinion. This is your health, your body and your life. Make it your priority.
Dr. Archer
Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and is the author of The ADHD Advantage and the New York Times bestselling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.
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