CHEATER

Dear Dr. Archer,

My husband and I have been married for 27 years, and it’s the second marriage for both of us. There was a time I thought he was involved with someone else. We had a big fight, and ultimately, he promised if he was unhappy he’d tell me. He promised we would discuss and correct any problem if anything came up. 

None of our problems seemed out of hand. Typically it was work stress. We had no real sexual problems. We talked all the time, sharing the good and the bad. In fact, most friends commented about what a great marriage we had.

Two years ago, I had a feeling something was very wrong. He was going to bed much later than I was, and he was on Facebook more than usual. He’d spend late nights in the basement, watching TV, working out and keeping his cell phone on silent and out of sight, almost as if he were guarding it.

I hacked into his Facebook account and was shocked. He was involved with a woman I’d asked him about, only to be told she was a high school friend who lived in Texas. Well, it was a lie; she lives less than 30 miles away. The language about their sexual time together and how they enjoyed what they did to each other was very explicit.

When I showed him what I printed after locking him out of his Facebook page, he said it was just “trash talk.” They’d never gotten together in person; never talked on the phone; he wasn’t involved with her. Of course, I soon found out that too was a lie. 

I was devastated, and my life fell apart. 

I felt he was truly sorry for what he did and decided to stay. Life was tough, and at times I had meltdowns and trouble trusting him. It was hard, but I was making my way through it — until I came across text pictures of yet another woman. 

He sent her a series of photos of himself in various stages of erection, with the last one captioned, “Come take care of this. If you don’t, my wife will have to.” The other woman sent me these pictures — as well as several text messages in which she told me how long they had been involved.

I’ve since found out these same pictures were sent to several other women. After a very ugly few days, he promised he would never do this again, and that he would get help. 

That was nine months ago, and he’s done nothing. I don’t trust him, even though he now falls all over me and can’t seem to do enough for me.

I don’t feel the way I used to. I love him, but I’m no longer in love with him. Our sex life has taken a very heavy hit. As far as I’m concerned, we have sex once in a while, but no longer make love. I’m so confused as to what I want.

Salma

Dear Salma,

Face it. You’re married to a cheater and liar and his promises are empty. He didn’t stop what he was doing in the past, and the chances of his turning over a new leaf now are slim to none, especially considering he’s not keeping his promise to get help.

You’re confused about what you want, so let’s look at what you have: You have a husband you can’t trust; you have a husband who sleeps around; and you have a selfish partner who doesn’t respect your feelings. What you don’t have is peace in your life.

The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. The longer you remain, the more he’ll hurt you. You’ll always be wondering where he is, looking at his phone and checking his Facebook. If trust isn’t there, why remain?

The greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and that’s what you have to consider here. You’ve become so conditioned to his behavior you’re willing to accept it as normal. It’s not.

You deserve more than you’re getting. My advice is to get rid of this jerk and reconnect with friends. Learn how to put yourself first again and have fun. If you don’t take charge of your life, who will?

If you must, give him an ultimatum first, then insist on couples therapy as a last chance. But make it clear that if he ever cheats again or doesn’t attend therapy, you’re gone. I think he’s had enough last chances; it’s your call whether you want to give him one more. Good luck.

Dr. Archer

Dear Dr. Archer,

I’m a 26-year-old male. I’ve been suffering from depression in varying degrees for 10 years. Though I’ve never been formally diagnosed, I gather my condition would be classed as dysthymia due to its mild yet chronic nature.

I’ve tried numerous alternative treatments and therapies, which have been of little help. Currently, I’m seeing a cognitive behavior therapist who’s been fairly useful.

I eat plenty of fruit and vegetables, and I eat meat three times a week. Occasionally, I eat fish, but also take cod liver oil. I eat complex carbs such as brown rice, couscous and whole meal bread. I supplement Vitamin D and take a good multi-vitamin. I drink in moderation. I very rarely take drugs and I’ve quit smoking, though I do use the electronic cigarette. I exercise three days a week. You get the idea.

I know how to be healthy, so why am I still depressed? I have no traumatic memories from the past or anything like that. The only prescription I’ve tried is Prozac, which threw me around like a roller coaster. As a result, I’m very skeptical about toying with brain chemistry with drugs.

I’ve read books about natural alternatives that seem appealing. But can you tell me which are most effective for my situation? Melatonin and 5-HTP help to some degree with sleep; SAMe and rhodiola rosea did nothing. How do you feel about St. John’s Wort or various types of amino acid supplements? There are so many, it’s confusing. Is picking a random amino acid supplement to see if it works safe?

If I go back to prescribed meds, are there more gentle types, like Lexapro?

This is all very frustrating. I need help. What can I do?

Rob

Dear Rob,

You’re clearly taking good care of your physical health by healthy eating and exercising. One thing caught my eye. You say you rarely do drugs? That’s a red flag. What drugs do you do? Most psychoactive drugs affect brain chemistry, and in someone predisposed to depression they can serve as a trigger even if they’re only done rarely.

I’m not a big fan of over-the-counter health remedies because they’re not approved by the FDA for safety or content. As a result, you have no idea what you’re getting. Now, I’ve seen patients over the years swear by a certain supplement, but the problem is that what works for one rarely works for another. And in some cases, supplements make things worse, yet you don’t realize it.

So, you could experiment over time with a variety of supplements. But if you need to alter brain chemistry for relief, why not use an approved med?

Here’s my advice:

• Make sure you always address the “holy trinity” of health — sleep, diet and exercise. Be sure you get seven or eight hours of sleep a night; eat whole (not processed) foods; and exercise, even if it’s just walking around the neighborhood.

• Continue with the cognitive behavior therapist. Therapy often works better than medication in mild depression.

• Stop all supplements other than vitamins and minerals and see how you feel. If you feel no better with the therapy by itself, then see a psychiatrist who will work with you to prescribe a low dose of one anti-depressant at a time to find something that works with minimal side effects.

You’re to be commended for all the effort and thought you put into this. Just realize that if you do need a prescription to help you, you’re vastly better off with an FDA-approved anti-depressant than something over the counter that contains who knows what.

Dr. Archer

Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He’s a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and the author of The ADHD Advantage and the New York Times’ bestselling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.