SOCIAL FEARS

Dear Dr. Archer,

I have a severe case of social anxiety disorder that started when I was a child. I was picked on at school for having a large birthmark on my forehead.

Can being teased and picked on as a kid cause all this anxiety? I avoid all social situations so I will have little contact with people, including people I know. 

Can you advise me? Do I have to take medication or can I get over this on my own? I feel trapped. 

Thanks, 

Steve

Dear Steve,

Very few people escape those childhood years without being teased or even bullied at some point. However, some kids get more than their share of embarrassing taunts, teases or shaming events. Unfortunately, your experiences make it sound as though you were picked on more than you could shake off. Consequently, it seems you may have learned to think of yourself as odd or inferior.

But you’re not! A birthmark makes you different and unique, not less of a person.

It should go without saying that those who have picked on you have done so because they, too, were struggling with their self-image. In a twisted way, they picked on you to compensate for their own self-doubts.

Yes, we are a product of our early life experiences, but we can overcome them with our adult rational ways of thinking. If you still believe you’re somehow inferior to others, or if you think that others are still looking at you with contempt, do a reality check. Ask those you know and trust to give you honest feedback about what they think about you. They may have constructive suggestions about how to re-think your beliefs and change some of your behaviors so that you can be more socially effective.

Social anxiety is characterized by a negative inner voice that comes from the fear of being rejected.

I urge you to confront this with your rational adult voice that says you are a capable and effective individual. You may still make mistakes, but they don’t have to defeat you. In fact, you will learn from them.

If necessary, see your doctor to see if he feels the need to prescribe an anti-anxiety medicine for those occasions when you may need something extra to calm yourself enough to practice the behaviors that reflect the person you really are. Take care.

Dr. Archer

Dear Dr. Archer,

I’m engaged to a guy who is physically handicapped. I can’t hurt him, but I feel I can’t accept his disability. I want him to be normal, which is impossible!

Did I stop loving him? My parents want me to marry a “normal guy.” Is what they say correct? Will I be unhappy after marrying him? 

Everyone knows about our relationship, which has been ongoing for more than five years. 

I compare him to normal guys, and I become upset and sad. Should I not marry him? I’m so afraid I am going to hurt him. Please! What do I do?

Karen

Dear Karen,

Stop! You don’t want to hurt your fiancé, but the longer you keep this up, the more damage will be done and the more pain you will cause. This is a grave injustice to all.

Did you stop loving him? Your parents clearly had something to do with this change of heart. They want you to marry someone “normal.” Normal is not always good; in fact normal is average!

Be more concerned about his character, how he treats you, what type of relationship you have and whether he loves you. Also, remember that only you can decide whether you love him or feel sorry for him.

You must start thinking for yourself and being honest with yourself. Consider Abraham Miller’s words: “Pity in its embrace strangles respect.” Every relationship demands mutual respect in order to survive. Pity will never sustain a relationship.

If you decide you feel sorry for him more than love him, then say goodbye. This has gone on far too long. You even accepted a proposal of marriage. I wonder whether you truly don’t want to hurt him or you just lack the courage to break this off. I understand you mean well, but you must figure out what you want and then be honest.

By all means, tell him your concerns. That’s what a true relationship is all about — open, honest conversation.

Start being honest with yourself and decide what you want. If it means breaking up, then return the ring and quit stringing him along. Allow him to find someone who will love him as is, and you search for the same. Good luck.

Dr. Archer

Dear Dr. Archer,

My son is 30. A year ago, he moved away from home with his girlfriend of two years. After nine months of being away, they broke up and she returned home. Good riddance.

Five months later, I heard he was dating a girl from his past. This woman is recently divorced, and has two children, ages 3 and 1. They are talking every day, and she’s going out to see him for a weekend.

I’m not happy about this. They were friends growing up, and for a short period they dated. On Christmas, my son was very generous with gifts to her. Two days later she broke up with him. Now she’s back home, living with her parents who live on the same street as I do and is dating him again.

I don’t like her, and no one in the family does, either. She’s bad news. Do I say something to my son? I’m angry that this is happening. Whenever I see her, she doesn’t even say hello.

Megan

Dear Megan,

First of all, your son is 30. He’s old enough to decide whom he wants to date. That he gave her Christmas gifts and she broke up with him two days later doesn’t bother me. They were teens. Teens do immature and impulsive things. So give her a free pass for that.

Also, you didn’t like the ex before her. It could be you are being too particular in general.

You don’t like this new girlfriend and she doesn’t say hello. Do you tell her hello? I ask because it sounds as if the answer would be no.

If your son is interested in this woman again, I suggest you offer an olive branch. I’m not saying to become best friends, but I am saying to be polite. You might actually be surprised at what you find.

Give her the benefit of the doubt. If you spend a lot of time with her and then decide you really do not care for her, then tell your son what you think one time and then drop it. The rest is up to him. You have no control after that.

Your son is a man and has the right to choose his girlfriends. Evidently there is something in this woman he likes. If you want to remain in his life, I strongly urge you to speak your mind once if you must, but then let it go. You never know. There’s a possibility she could be in your future for a long time. Don’t set yourself up to be the bad woman here. Good luck.

Dr. Archer

Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and the author of The ADHD Advantage and the New York Times’ bestselling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.