PARTY GIRL

Dear Dr. Archer,

I have been married for 26 years. We have a very good marriage, and have two children. My wife is 46 years old, is a great mother, and works as an RN. I treat her well, and we have a great life together, going to church and praying together. She tells me how lucky she is to have a husband like me.

The reason I’m writing is to ask your advice about my wife. She’s always been a “party girl.” She feels the need to party behind my back, whenever she gets a chance. She goes to great lengths, even concocting complicated lies, to hide it from me. 

She seems to take pride in the fact that she’s fooling me. It almost seems like she raises her nose in the air when she’s telling me lies about where she’s been. I can see the arrogance in her face.

What causes a person to act like this? She does it even though she would have a great deal to lose if I would divorce her. Fooling me seems to be a source of joy for her. Thank you for your expert advice.

MD

Dear MD,

You’re bothered by behavior that has always been present. Your wife likes to party; you lived with this while you dated, as well as for 26 years of marriage — and now you’re questioning the behavior?

Why does your wife lie when she has so much to lose? I cannot give you a definitive answer, because there could be a number of reasons, such as wanting to hide the truth, out of habit, or to seek and gain your attention.

If, after all these years, you’re ready to get to the bottom of her lying, then you must take action. How? By gathering proof of what she is lying about, and confronting her with the evidence.

But, tackling this problem now will bring confrontation, because you’ve been tolerating your wife’s lies for so many years. On the other hand, lies deny peace and happiness — not only for the liar, but for those close to her, as well.

Truth is bold and powerful; lies are arrogant. Truth is courageous and strong; lies are cowardly, and lack such strength. If you can confront your wife and expose her lies, you have a chance of changing things in your marriage for the better. I wish you success.

Dear Dr. Archer,

My husband and I are in our late 20s, and I’m currently expecting our first child. Our relationship was fine, until we discovered I was pregnant. Since that discovery, our marriage has not been the same.

This is an unplanned pregnancy. My birth control pills failed, even though I never missed one day, and I used them exactly as directed. In any case, the moment we found out I was pregnant, we stopped having sex. It didn’t worry me much, at first, but then days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. Initially, it was “I’m tired” or “I don’t want to hurt the baby” and such. Eventually, he came clean, and said my size bothered him.

I have grown to doubt our entire relationship. I feel the reason he’s giving me is superficial, and now I’m resenting him, because I feel I just have a roommate, not a husband. He is not affectionate at all, and shows no emotion about the baby. He won’t even come with me to prenatal appointments.

He doesn’t want to spend time with me, because he would rather spend it with his friends smoking weed. Yes, that’s our other problem. We pay all our bills late, but, somehow, there’s always money for the weed.

I am at home, unable to work for the time being, due to medical reasons. I still cook and clean, and do everything for him. He never has to do anything in the house, because I always attend to him. Yet, he says I’m lazy, and don’t do anything because being at home isn’t really anything special.

Basically, I’m not sure if I want this life with him anymore. I don’t want someone who bases their feelings on how I look, especially since my size is due to the fact that I’m pregnant. 

Additionally, the marijuana use is just too much for me. Also, I don’t mind doing the housework, since I’m home anyway, and it’s my contribution to the family, but I don’t like him thinking that some magical ghost does everything while I sit on my bum.

Should I even bother trying anymore? Am I just being overly emotional? I’m not sure of anything, anymore. Please help.

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

First, you are not being overly emotional. During pregnancy, your hormones go through dramatic changes that affect levels of neurotransmitters (chemical messengers in the brain). This can cause heightened emotions and moodiness. But what you describe is a very real problem, and, considering the circumstances, I believe you’re holding up better than most.

Birth control pills are 99-percent effective. Only abstinence is 100-percent effective. I understand the pregnancy was a surprise, but your husband is half the reason for this situation — you didn’t do it alone. He is acting like a spoiled child, which is the last thing you need.

My biggest concern is that you attend to his every need. Why, if he thinks and says you do nothing? If you continue the way you’re going, nothing, nothing, nothing will ever change. You will have to make things happen, because, presently, he’s getting it all his way, while you’re getting nothing in return. It’s sad that at the time when you need him most, he has checked out and left you basically alone. I can well understand the distress this is causing.

Talk to your husband, and let him know you need a husband, not a dependent. He doesn’t like your size? He needs to grow up, and deal with it — you’re pregnant, and you’re pregnant because the two of you had sex. He helped create another life, and he needs to deal with it, not run away — which is what he is doing.

Tell him you need consideration and help. Yes, he works, but so do you. Housework is work, make no mistake about it, and soon the baby will arrive, and you will have even more work. Lay down the law; you can do this because what you want and expect is not asking too much. Don’t allow your husband to tear you down any longer, simply because life threw a surprise.

You want a husband, a lover and a good father. If your husband can’t provide you and the family with this, then it’s time to talk to an attorney, because things will get worse over time, not better. Now is the time to find out if he will return to being a partner, or if he has permanently checked out.

When it comes to family, it’s not all about him or you. It’s the family unit. The healthy family will work, respect and love each other. His calling you lazy destroys your self-esteem and self-worth, and to say these things while you’re pregnant — well, there’s just no excuse. None.

He must start treating you with respect and, if pot is a problem, he’s got to stop. There’s no wiggle room here. Either he shapes up, or he ships out. The choice is his to make. If he refuses to see the light, seek a good family attorney, and make sure you have child support in place, once your precious child is born. I sincerely wish you much success.

Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute For Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and is the author of the New York Times best-selling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.