SIX-YEAR-OLD SEX OFFENDER?

Dale Archer, M.D. Thursday, October 1, 2015 Comments Off on SIX-YEAR-OLD SEX OFFENDER?
SIX-YEAR-OLD SEX OFFENDER?

Dear Dr. Archer,

A man I know fairly well, and  who has a daughter the same age as my son — six years old — approached me recently to discuss something my son told his daughter that he thought was highly inappropriate. 

He said my son asked his daughter to go into the nearby woods and “play boyfriend and girlfriend,” and says my son then groped his daughter. Before I could ask a question, he said both his six-year-old and nine-year-old daughters were present, and both have sworn my son said this to them. This man then told me my son was guilty, and that I needed to solve this issue at once.

I told him the credibility of children is highly suspect, and that my son has never exhibited this kind of behavior, and doesn’t even know what “boyfriend and girlfriend” means. The man did not relent, and became more agitated with my disbelief. 

I told him that this was completely out of character for my son, and I didn’t need to talk to him and find out more. I asked if there was anyone with the children when this happened, and if someone, such as an adult, had witnessed this exchange, to which he answered no. He said all he needs is his kids’ word, and that should be good enough for me.

My wife and I interrogated our son at length. He kept asking “Why would I say that to someone?” and he never showed guilt or remorse, like he does when we do catch him lying. 

After speaking with our son, we decided to speak to one of our neighbors, who was about 20 ft. away from where this event supposedly took place. The neighbors clearly heard a third child, a friend of the older sister, suggest that my son and the six-year girl “go play boyfriend and girlfriend in the woods.”

I called the girls’ father, and started to tell him the evidence I had gathered from our neighbors, and offered the neighbor’s phone number so he could verify, but he abruptly launched into a tirade, accusing me of calling his kids “liars” and telling me I didn’t understand that my son has a serious problem. He said my son was stalking his daughters, and that I was “dead wrong.”

I didn’t see this man again until a week after the phone call, at the neighborhood pool, when my son got too close to him and his daughters. We told our son to move away, but he didn’t understand why we were asking him to do so. 

Finally, my wife walked over and told the man that this is what you get by blowing this out of proportion. She was pointing her finger at him and he screamed “Don’t you point at me!” and then yelled across the pool at my wife, claiming my son was a bad kid and stalked little girls. 

Since this happened, we let the teachers at school know about the incident, so they could be on the lookout for our son, as this guy may try to say something to disparage my son. 

This man is also the leader of the “Dad Patrol” at the school, a program in which a dad will patrol the school for a day to be a “watch dog,” to offer a sense of security to the students and all female teaching staff. 

I am very concerned this guy is off his rocker, and may do violent things to my son, or to our family. Should I take the word of a six-year-old, or that of a 40-year-old person who was not a witness, but a third party? What do you think? 

Concerned Dad

 

Dear Concerned Dad,

You’re in an awkward and difficult position, and there’s no response from you that will satisfy everyone.

That being said, I’d think the first priority is to once again approach your son in a non-threatening manner and to reflect on how he may have possibly contributed to the “misunderstanding.”

On the other hand, it sounds as though your relationship with the other father is currently beyond repair. Remember, all parents are programmed to protect their own family, even if it means distorting the truth. Your neighbor certainly has his own issues, and, without knowing what these are, there is little you can do about restoring the relationship until there is mutual respect.

I’d urge you and your son to see this as a learning opportunity, and remember: Don’t dance with a wounded bear. I don’t think hate and bitterness can last forever, unless they are constantly re-stoked. At this point, time is your ally, so let it go. Be open to offers to communicate, but, in the meantime, protect your family from awkward encounters with your neighbor.

Understand that parents often go ballistic after finding out little Johnny was “playing doctor” or “playing boyfriend and girlfriend.” But this is just natural child curiosity; it’s not abnormal. Certainly, the child should be talked to, but it should be in an explanatory way. Even if something did take place, it doesn’t make your son a “sex-offender” at the age of 6.

You give no indication your neighbor could resort to violence, but, if you have any evidence for that, a restraining order is your next step.

Often, these neighborhood disputes die out over time, if there is no interaction between the two parties for a while (though this could take a year or longer). Hopefully, that will be the case here. In the meantime, stay on your side of the fence, and avoid contact.

Dear Dr. Archer,

I’m 22, and am very happy with my life. I’m not depressed in the slightest. I’m financially well off, and I have a great salaried occupation in a field I’m passionate about.

But I don’t have any friends, though I love people, get along with people well, and I’m very skilled with interacting with others. 

I’ve been thinking lately that this is a little unusual. I frequently go out. I like to go hiking, fishing and camping during my weekends off work. People often invite me to go out and participate in activities, but I always turn them down.

I had a co-worker ask me recently why I did so many exciting and fun activities alone. I had never put any thought into it before, so I ended up saying I had no idea.

My question to you: Are there many people out there who are like me? Physiologically, don’t we need friendships in order to be happy? If so, how am I happy? Is there anything wrong with me for being this way?

Scott

 

Dear Scott,

Congratulations. You’re happy with your life, you’re happy with yourself, and you value your time being alone. Not everyone is lucky enough to say that, so I consider this a success story.

You like yourself. Cool! You may enjoy others, and even love people, but you also want to spend quality time alone. NBD — no big deal!

Being alone is scary for so many people because they don’t really like who they are. You clearly don’t have any insecurities about this, except to wonder whether it’s normal. It is. Don’t mess things up by trying to be just like everyone else. Be true to who you are.

There are, fortunately, many others like you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, although some friends may want you to change. They want you to fit into the mold of being “normal.”

I urge you to remain and be true to yourself. In other words, be better than normal. Remember the saying, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” There’s nothing wrong with you. Keep it up.

  Dr. Dale Archer is a board-certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and the author of the New York Times’ bestselling book Better than Normal.  Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.

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