This year’s “dead zone” in the Gulf starts due south of Lake Charles and extends east until it’s due south of New Orleans.
This time around, the summer dead zone is the size of the states of Connecticut and Rhode Island combined. Marine researchers aren’t happy about it.
A “dead zone” is a place in the open water where the amount of oxygen has become so low that the environment can’t support complex marine life. To put it another way, you won’t be catching any fish if you’re fishing in a dead zone.
This summer’s dead zone spreads out over nearly 5,500 square miles. The Mississippi River/Gulf of Mexico Watershed Nutrient Task Force had hoped to get that down to 2,000 square miles this year. Looks like they’ve gotten a big dose of realism, as they’ve just pushed the target for that 2,000 square mile size all the way back to the year 2035.
Researchers think the primary culprit in the creation of the dead zones is chemicals from fertilizers that flow down the Mississippi and empty into the Gulf. The Daily Advocate’s Amy Wold recently reported that the U.S. Farm Bill supports many of the fertilizing practices that create the chemicals putting a whammy on the Gulf.
Want to fish somewhere in the dead zone? Just wait for things to get cooler. Winds created by cool October temperatures blend waters of different depths and bring oxygen back into the mix. Fishing will be fine in the areas of the dead zone from October or November until at least the beginning of February.
If you’d like to see a map of the dead zone, go to theadvocate.com and search for “Dead zone off Louisiana slightly larger than last summer.”
On The Campaign Trail
— Aug. 3: Gov. Bobby Jindal tells the Boston Herald that mayors of sanctuary cities should be arrested. “Absolutely,” he says. “I would hold them as an accomplice. Make them criminally culpable.”
Jindal, apparently, wants somebody to arrest the mayor of San Francisco, where an illegal immigrant recently committed a murder.
I just wish Jindal had said what person is going to walk into the mayor’s office and arrest him. Will it be Jindal himself? Will it be Deputy Dawg? Boss Hawg? Columbo? James Bond?
I know Jindal would like the mayor of San Francisco to be arrested. I just have my doubts as to whether he can do it — even if he’s elected president. Do you think there’s any chance he could interest M1 in the project? Poo yi! The mayor better hope that Daniel Craig guy doesn’t come after him. He’ll never make it to the jailhouse in one piece!
At any rate, my naive notion of law enforcement is that when a person is arrested, he or she must be arrested on some charge (for instance, “disturbing the peace” or “resisting arrest”). Here’s how I see the arrest of Mayor Lee of San Francisco going down:
Royal Mountie Dudley Do-Right (entering Mayor Lee’s office): Mayor Lee, I hereby inform you that by virtue of the power invested in me by Gov. Bobby Jindal, I am arresting you on the charge of serving as mayor in a city where somebody else broke some laws.
— Aug. 4: In his daily campaign email, Jindal reproduces the front page of the Boston Herald even though the newspaper bears a headline that reads: “Joe Curtatone to ‘Deputy Barney Fife’ Jindal: ‘Come and get me!’” Curtatone, the mayor of the Massachusetts sanctuary city of Somerville, was inviting Jindal to come and arrest him. He said that if Jindal did show up, he — Curtatone — planned “on dishing out a public spanking.”
It’s true there was a photo of Jindal on the front cover of the Herald. The reason? Massachusetts lawmakers are debating the possibility of making the entire state of Massachusetts a sanctuary. This means that maybe — just maybe — Jindal will one day be obliged to arrest the mayor of every city and town in Massachusetts. Talk about touring a state!
— Aug. 5: Jindal goes to Buzzfeed to engage in a push-up “contest” against his “opponents.” The “opponents” are young, attractive models wearing bright red shirts that bear such wording as “Obamacare” and “Hyphenated Americans.”
So … the short and long of it is that Bobby Jindal somehow figured out a way to have a push-up contest against himself. Whatever you think about the guy, you can’t say he’s dumb.
— Aug. 7: As his 99 County Believe Again Tour progresses, Jindal continues to have the exquisite pleasure of visiting the most exclusive hot spots of Iowa; places such as the Praise Community Church, the Ellsworth Equestrian Center, the Prairie Oak Lodge, the Johnson County fairgrounds and the Machine Shed in Urbandale. Ain’t we got fun?
— Aug. 10: From Jindal’s daily campaign email: “The Democrat candidate in third place claims that ISIS was caused by climate change … “
Thor Versus Beast Versus Ben 10
You may know by now that the Baton Rouge production of the Fox film Fantastic Four is complete. The following behind-the-scenes perspective was provided to Lagniappe by prominent Baton Rouge producer “English” Billy Boynton:
“As you may know, this is the second Fox film about the Fantastic Four. More to the point, it marks the 17,000th time the Fantastic Four have appeared in a movie. My Baton Rouge production company is now finalizing talks on these forthcoming Louisiana film productions:
“— The Fantastic Four Versus The Justice League of America: Ultimate MMA Showdown
“— The Human Torch And Iron Man Versus The Ghost Of Eartha Kitt
“— The Human Torch and Iron Man Versus The Ghost of Eartha Kitt 2: The Reckoning
“— Transformers 17 Versus Fast And Furious 18
“— Thor 29
“— Thor 30: A New Beginning
“— The Twelve Versus Groo The Wanderer
“— Ka-Zar The Great In Thunderdome
“— Groot And The Thing: Minecraft Challenge.”
Boynton added: “We’re just beginning talks about the sequel to Boo Ba: The Escape.”
She Didn’t Take His Nespresso Machine
On Aug. 2, The Times-Picayune reported that a “47-year-old man” had several drinks in the French Quarter with a young woman he’d met who called herself “Ashley.” The man then took the woman to his Pontchartrain Place apartment for more drinks. At this time he “became very sleepy and fell asleep.”
At some later time, the man “woke” to find that his gold Rolex watch, gold nugget ring, gold necklace and $1,800 in cash were “missing.” It was reported that “his pants pockets … had been turned inside out.” Gee, it almost sounds as if “Ashley” were trying to rob the guy — or at least thought about it.
I only have one question. Why was this story reported in the newspaper? This same sequence of events must take place at least 5 or 10 times every night in the French Quarter. Why was this particular incident deemed worthy of reportage?
Was the paper trying to suggest that “Ashley” showed real initiative in finding such a dumb and rich sucker and in making such an astronomically large haul? If so, would some congratulatory language — something like “You go, girl!” — have been in order?
Or was the newspaper suggesting that a sucker who would report such a humiliating incident to the police has no shame. If so, mightn’t it have been best to spice up the report with such an editorial comment as “damn fool played himself”?
At any rate, I’d like to read more stories like this, even if they do fall into the category of “common knowledge.” I mean, the only time I ever see a guy wearing a gold nugget ring is when I watch a Quentin Tarentino movie or a Donald Trump speech.
I think the dude in question is just lucky “Ashley” didn’t steal his shoes and handguns too.
Police Roster
In other French Quarter news, police are looking for a scantily clad young woman seen selling a shot of cheap vodka in a test tube to a drunken tourist on Bourbon Street for $15. State Police and DEA are investigating.
Is This Going To Be A Thing Now?
The “thing” in question is the revelation of embarrassing passages in Hillary Clinton’s work-related home emails.
On Aug. 3, the Russian news service RT reported that in one email, former Bill Clinton advisor Sidney Blumenthal wrote Hillary that London Mayor Boris Johnson was “the Tory clown prince.” And an unnamed advisor emailed Hillary that when it came to foreign policy, Britain’s David Cameron was “unsure, inexperienced, oblique and largely uncommitted.”
Now I understand why we don’t do international diplomacy work on the home email.
I don’t know whether leaks such as these will hurt Hillary’s election chances. But if those to come are as funny as the first few, they’ll give us at least as many laughs as most stand-up acts.
The News
“The Dr. Pepper $1K Getaway”
— Lead headline in Buckaroo, Aug. 3
“Drakes [sic] New Meek Mill Diss Track Blasts Meek for Riding Nicki Minajs [sic] Coattails”
— Headline from Daily Beast as it appeared in Google’s list of “Spotlight” stories on Aug. 5; a passage from the story: “Rick Ross sided up Drizzy, Chris Brown trolled Drizzy, and Meek issued a very public apology to his girlfriend/Drake BFF/rumored Drake ex Nicki Minaj …”
Funny
From the Times/Picayune’s list of the nine funniest Jon Stewart comments about Louisiana: “It reminds me of the old saying, ‘The only thing I trust less than a Louisiana senator sleeping with a hooker is one that isn’t.’ Yes, I think Oscar Wilde said that.”
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