In The Past
Dear Dr. Archer,
When I was 13, I was the target of a rumor, which left me shattered. It was a traumatic event at school, and it shattered my life. I’m now 47, and have been diagnosed with ADHD, depression, bipolar disorder and social anxiety.
I was married for nine years, and am in the middle of a separation. I don’t even know who I am. Funny thing is, I don’t think about what happened to me at school anymore. But these nasty disorders have come up over the years. How do I overcome all of this?
Barry
Dear Barry,
The past is gone, and nothing you can say or do will change it. You can’t even remember what happened decades ago, so don’t think whatever happened when you were 13 is the cause for either your mental illness or your separation.
There comes a point in time when we must all be responsible for our decisions, actions, health and life. It’s easy and less painful when we point the finger at someone or something else, but that solves nothing.
My advice is to remain under your doctor’s care, start seeing a therapist, and work out your mental health issues. Don’t blame the separation; you have to come to terms with yourself, and deal with your issues. Only then does the marriage stand a chance.
There’s a saying, “Yesterday is but a dream, and tomorrow is only a vision. But a today well-lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope.”
Life is very simple, though it’s not easy. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but you’ve got to do your part. Work closely with your doctor, and do everything within your power to make your life the best it can be. If you can do this, everything else will fall into place. Good luck.
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have three children — a boy who is 24, a girl who’s 17, and a 14-year-old boy.
My eldest is from my first marriage. When he was 17, he started getting into trouble with the law. He has a very addictive personality; he used to drink and do drugs to cope, and he spent years in and out of jail. He was diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar disorder. His concentration span was terrible at school, and today he can’t seem to hold a job. He drinks and does drugs to deal with his ADHD. He’s very angry at times, too.
My daughter is 17. She had to leave school when she was 14, because she was bullied, and the school did nothing to help her. We have always had a great relationship, and she has a great relationship with her dad, too. We even bought her a car. She turns to animals for comfort, and has horses, sheep, goats, etc. She seems to think the same way her brother did at 17.
They each thought that if they only had a girl/boyfriend, they would be complete. She met a 20-year-old five weeks ago, and after three weeks she walked out of our house. She blames me, saying I shout at her all the time, which is untrue.
She has left her phone, has deleted her Facebook account, and has no contact with us, other than when she calls us on this boyfriend’s phone. She lives with him and his mom, and I’m afraid he and his mother are controlling her. There must be a law against this type of brainwashing!
My daughter was diagnosed with depression at 14, and again a few weeks ago. She acts as insane as her older bipolar, ADHD brother. Small things set her off, and she can be crying one minute, and outraged the next. We were walking on eggshells before she moved out, but now her attitude and behavior are just not my daughter’s.
I need urgent advice before anything happens to her. Five weeks, and they’re already talking marriage. Please help me!
Annie
Dear Annie,
Consult the specific laws for your state. Most states do not consider a child an adult until age 18. Only then can they legally decide where they want to live. If a child is 17 or younger, and wishes to be independent, then the child must prove they meet the emancipation requirements.
Likewise, in the U.S., no state will allow someone under 18 to marry without parental consent. For some, this requirement is waived, if there is a pregnancy involved.
Even though it’s not legal to move out at 17, it happens every day. Most children younger than 18 living somewhere besides their parents’ home aren’t actually emancipated; some parents just allow it, even though they’re still legally responsible — even if another adult verbally agrees to care for the child.
I would bet this situation will not last for long. Give it time — it’s only been five weeks. Try to let it go. If things don’t change, then you can always consult a family law attorney. Good luck.
Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and is the author of the New York Times best-selling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.
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