Dear Dr. Archer,
I used to live alone, but a few months ago a friend convinced me to move into a two-bedroom apartment with her so that we could share rent. We thought it would be fun living together. She informed me that we would be staying with her younger sister, who didn’t have a job. This meant we’d be feeding her, since she was in school.
I didn’t have a problem with it, at first. However, it’s starting to bother me, because her sister is like a parasite. She’s at home all the time, while we work, so she consumes more food than the two of us combined.
I have noticed this because there was a time she was away for a month. While she was gone, the food in the house lasted much longer, and even my friend had to admit it. I was very disappointed when she returned, but I’ve tried to be nice.
When we shop for groceries, my friend and I split the bill 50/50. I consider this unfair. I think she should pay a bit more, because she has one extra mouth to feed in the house. I have not spoken to her about it, because I’m afraid she might think I’m being selfish (Am I?). I don’t want to ruin our friendship, because she is generally a very sweet person.
To make matters worse, her sister sometimes gives me the silent treatment, though she and I used to get along very well. She chooses to chat with her older sister. Sometimes I will stay in my room, while they are chatting and laughing loudly, and I feel left out. Neither my friend nor her sister checked up on me to see if I was okay.
I feel awkward or unwelcome when I walk in on their conversations, or sometimes they continue chatting on as if I don’t even exist. I don’t think my friend notices she is isolating me, but I get a strong feeling that her sister is aware of the awkwardness I feel when they have their sisterly conversations and share jokes while I just sit there.
When it comes to paying for satellite TV, my friend and I, again, split the amount between us. Her sister, however, spends more time in front of the television than the two of us. Sometimes I can’t watch my shows, because she is watching her programs.
Most days we get home from work, and there are breakfast and lunch dishes in the sink. Since my friend doesn’t complain, I don’t feel it’s my place to scold her sister. It has gotten to the point that I don’t look forward to being home anymore.
I told my boyfriend about this, but he feels I’m so used to living alone that I sometimes exaggerate things. He even called me selfish. He comes from a big family, and asked me how I was going to fit into his big family if I cannot cope with two people. I thought it was very insensitive of him.
I don’t have a problem with my friend’s sister, I just don’t enjoy being made to feel isolated, nor do I think it’s fair to be treated this way by someone I’m trying hard to be patient with, especially considering the fact that we have to buy groceries constantly. I don’t complain about it, but choose to suffer in silence. I know I agreed to this when my friend first asked me to move in, and I’m partly to blame, but I didn’t know it would be like this. Am I really being selfish, or am I being reasonable?
Camille
Dear Camille,
No, you are not being selfish. It may have been your friend’s sister’s apartment, but she needed her sister to move in to the pay the rent, and your friend needed you to help her. True, you knew this was the arrangement, and you agreed to it, but, like you said, you choose to suffer in silence. If you are bothered by what’s going on, it’s time to speak up.
It’s typically easier to live with one roommate than with two. This prevents some of the triangulated roommate relationship problems, which are going on here. The feeling of two against one can leave you feeling angry and frustrated. This problem, in fact, is much more prevalent with women than men.
Talk to your friend soon. Let her know exactly how you feel. She’s either going to agree, or she’s going to side with her sister. If she goes along with you, then you need to make a list of chores her sister should do while you’re gone, such as vacuuming, washing the dishes, taking out the trash, etc. She is getting a free ride, and that is not fair — period.
If your friend doesn’t agree to this, then give her notice that you will be moving out, and find your own place. Too bad your boyfriend didn’t support you through this, but this is not his issue — it’s yours.
You’re going to have to say something, or everything will remain the same. Hopefully, your friend will not only understand, but also back you up. In the words of Lucius Annaeus Seneca, “One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand, and to be understood.”
Of course, there are no guarantees. Living with roommates is much more than just rent and groceries. Everyone must chip in and do their part, or there will be hard feelings. Talk to your friend soon, and hopefully a compromise can be reached. If not, it time to go. Good luck!
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have a problem with my husband’s past relationships. He has two children from his single days. Since the time we became boyfriend and girlfriend, this has always been an issue.
I tried to control myself and not be affected by his past, yet every time I drink too much alcohol, I beat him and fight with him regarding this matter. I don’t know how to overcome my feelings regarding his past.
I guess I need professional advice regarding this, because I can’t seem to control myself. Even if I’m not drinking, I still feel insecure, and feel doubtful about his feelings towards me. I wonder why he wanted to marry me.
Maria
Dear Maria,
You abuse both your husband and alcohol. At this point, if nothing is done to turn things around, this tumultuous marriage will only become more volatile, to the point of imploding.
You had a past before your husband entered the picture, as did he. He has two children who will be a constant reminder of that past. He’s going to be providing child support until they’re 18, and most likely beyond that. These children were his before you came around, and he must live up to his responsibilities. Can you live with that?
You drink and lash out, or you don’t drink and become jealous and insecure. You can control this, but you choose not to. You are in charge of your actions, not your husband’s past. You’re harboring emotions that manifest in very nasty behavior.
My advice: Stop punishing your husband for something he can never change. If you cannot do this, then leave. It really is that simple.
Good self-esteem is essential to overcoming your jealousy of these children. I think counseling is a good idea for you, for him, and for the two of you. Your circumstances have led to where you are. You see the problem. Are you going to do something about it, or not?
In the end, you married a man with two children, and you knew it. Do everything in your power to accept his past, as well as those two innocent children. Quit the drinking — it’s not helping your cause whatsoever. If you cannot accept your husband and his children as a packaged deal, then leave. Better he have a wife who loves him and his children than to live with abuse.
Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and is the author of the New York Times best-selling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.
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