HIS WAY OR THE HIGHWAY

Dear Dr. Archer,

My boyfriend wants to end our relationship, because I refuse to move in with him before getting married. He thinks moving in together will draw us closer. But I grew up in a Christian home, and it goes against my values. 

He does not want to respect my decision, as he feels living together will seal the deal, and pave the way for marriage. I want to get married and start a family, as well, but moving in with a man who is not my husband was never part of my plan. 

He said he doesn’t feel we are growing as a couple, and that I’m holding him back because he is at a point in his life where he wants to settle down and start a family. He says my refusal to move in with him means I don’t want our relationship to progress. 

Now I’m at crossroads; I either agree to move in with him, or agree to end the relationship.

A few years ago, he also wanted to end our relationship, because I wanted to wait until we are married to have sex . He said he couldn’t wait that long. I decided to give him what he wanted, because I didn’t want to lose him. 

I refuse to make any more sacrifices to save the relationship, and I feel that he should be the one to respect my wishes this time around, if he truly loves me. Whenever we are at crossroads, it is always his way or the highway. No sweat or sacrifice from his side. 

I feel that no amount of sacrifice I make for him seems enough to keep him happy, because he still demands more. I’m tempted to give in and give him what he wants again. I really love him, but I’m not naive enough to allow him to always have his way, with no sacrifice made from his side. 

How do I cope with a man who always thinks he must have his way or nothing at all?

Mindy

Dear Mindy,

Your question shouldn’t be how you should cope with a man who always wants his way, but, rather, why would you compromise your values and your wishes to accommodate a man who doesn’t value your opinions at all?

Face it. You’re dating a selfish person who thinks only of himself. You’ve been compromising your values, and for what? To stay with someone who doesn’t respect you?

Now you say you’re tempted yet again to give into his demands to live together? Breaking up with this guy would be in your own best interest, because he doesn’t respect you.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. With that in mind, you know what you have. To be honest, he sounds like he’s got the maturity of a 15-year-old. If you keep giving in, he will keep taking.

You are in charge of your life. My advice: Tell him you will not move in until after marriage and tell him that if he can’t accept that, then you are breaking up with him. See how he likes having the tables turned on him.

You cannot change him, but you can change how you react to him. Start standing up for yourself. If he doesn’t like it, then breaking up would be a blessing.

Dear Dr. Archer,

I have a four-year-old Down Syndrome daughter who throws tantrums by screaming, crying and sometimes throwing her things away. She does this almost every morning to get a snack at the shop next door.

If we buy something from the shop the day before, she won’t want it the next day. She wants to go each and every morning. This has been going on for almost three years, and I think consuming all of this junk is making her sick. 

I’ve tried reasoning with her, and putting my foot down and telling her “no,” but she always gets her way. I don’t know what else to do. 

The doctors say she has Down because she was born with a flat nose bridge, and has a two-percent fold at the eyes. She was just a couple of months old when they diagnosed her. I don’t know if Down Syndrome could be the reason she’s being so unreasonable, and is behaving the way she does. Please help. 

Gail

Dear Gail,

The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommends that all pregnant women be screened for the Down Syndrome by ultrasound and blood testing in order to decide how to proceed, and to give the parents time to come to terms with the prospect of caring for a special needs child.

If prenatal tests weren’t performed, usually the doctor will make the initial diagnosis by the baby’s appearance. For confirmation, a chromosomal karyotype test is ordered to analyze the chromosomes. If the child has an extra chromosome — 21, then the diagnosis is Down Syndrome. Your doctor should know if your child is a Down Syndrome child, not “think so.” If the blood test has not been performed, ask for it ASAP.

The fact that she is different doesn’t mean you mustn’t discipline your daughter. Just like any other child, your daughter should learn early on what behavior is expected, and what behaviors are not permissible. It’s much easier to teach a younger child.

Down Syndrome children thrive on routine, and this has been your routine for four years, so changing will be difficult, but not impossible.

What your daughter needs most is a loving environment. But she also needs structure, which you’re going to have to provide. It’s unrealistic to go to the corner store every day for the rest of your life. You’re losing the joy of parenting, and you have no flexibility.

Start giving her choices. She can either do something she truly enjoys doing, or get a treat you approve from the store. But she can only choose one, not both.

I urge you to join a Down Syndrome parental support group in your area and learn from the experts — mothers and fathers who have gone through exactly what you’re experiencing. You’re not alone. You have many groups and services at your disposal; all you have to do is reach out and call. I wish you and your daughter all the best.

Dr. Archer

Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and is the author of the New York Times bestselling book Better than Normal.  Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.