ABUSIVE MOM

Dear Dr. Archer,
My daughter is 28 years old, college educated, and the mother of my six-year-old grandson. She is neglectful, disrespectful, and continually ignores my grandson.
He’s acting out, and crying for help. I (and others) called CPS, and my daughter told me they’ve been out to visit three times.
Her behavior is bizarre. She constantly intimidates and screams at my grandson. He’s hurt and damaged, and it’s pathetic.
CPS has done nothing to help this little boy. He’s scared of my daughter, and the first thing he tells me on those rare occasions I’m allowed to see him is how she hit him again. My heart breaks for this child.
Does no one care? Anyone at all? What about his school?
CPS spoke with him, but he may know what she will do to him if he ever says anything bad about her.
He has spasms when she screams. I have never seen anything like this, and I feel helpless. I cannot stand to be around her.
She constantly takes pictures of herself, and dates guys who take advantage of her. I try so hard to be engaged, but I’m at the point where I can’t do this anymore.
She used to have two great jobs, but she quit both of them, and she’s been unemployed for over a year. Her Facebook page looks like a porn site, and it’s repulsive. She curses, yells and gets in fights, and I’m ashamed to acknowledge she is my daughter.
Please help me to help my grandson. I tell him he’s a good boy, no matter what, and sometimes adults say and do things they don’t mean. He’s already so damaged by her. I don’t know what to do. God help this innocent little boy.
Victoria

Dear Victoria,
Under the best of conditions, these reports and investigations would run smoothly, and no child would have to live with neglect or abuse. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Caseworkers are so overworked that many children fall through the cracks.
The best thing that could happen for your little grandson would be for him to live with you indefinitely. Talk with your daughter, and ask her if you can help out. Ask if your grandson can live with you until she’s better able to take care of him. This may or may not be a welcome offer, but it’s worth a try. If she goes along with you, then great — problem solved.
If she refuses, go see CPS for a one-on-one talk with a caseworker supervisor. You’re right — something needs to be done to protect this innocent child. Speaking with a supervisor may bring about some much-needed results. If you know of others who have called in a report, have them go with you. There’s strength in numbers.
If speaking to a supervisor doesn’t bring about a change, then make a phone call to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, or the National Child Abuse Hotline: 1.800.4.A.CHILD, or 1.800.422.4453. Your local CPS must answer to them. You’ve come this far; do not stop now. Your grandson needs you to fight for him.
If this child is in danger, then I advise you as a last resort to seek the counsel of an attorney, and let him know what’s going on. Apply for guardianship until your daughter can prove she can support her son, and has a clean mental health report. Your little grandson may be too scared to speak the truth, but you have an opportunity to be his voice, and turn his life around. Good luck.

Dear Dr. Archer,
My conservative boyfriend and I have been dating for three and a half years. He is very family-oriented, and I’m my own person. I’m an only child, and he seems annoyed that I rarely visit my cousins, aunts and uncles.
It’s bizarre to me that this should be an issue in our relationship. I’ve seen the way he goes out of his way to take care of his teenage nieces and nephews, whose parents are still alive and working, but who know how committed he is to the family. They take advantage of him financially. At first I thought it was really sweet, but as time went by, I began wondering if his view of his family was over-exaggerated.
I’ve tried to explain that I grew up in a small family, and have never been close to my extended family, and it would be unrealistic of him to expect me to view family the way he does. He seems to understand, but then he’ll get annoyed if I don’t visit my family.
He has called me selfish, just because I hardly visit my relatives. Sometimes, I think he wants me to be somebody I’m not. My own relatives are not bothered, as we often see each other at weddings and funerals, and sometimes chat over the phone. I don’t know why he should be bothered that I’m not close with them.
He stresses that family is very important, and while I agree, I think his view on family is exaggerated. He has often said his family has certain expectations of me, which he thinks I will not be able to meet, which makes him doubt our future. This hurts me.
Sometimes I’m tempted to tell him to get married to one of his family members if they are that important to him, but then I get my anger under control. Where am I going wrong? Is such a relationship worth holding on to?
Pam

Dear Pam:
As you have suggested, the importance we place on family is usually a product of the family that raised us. You have probably heard the saying “when you marry someone, you also marry their family.” The good news is this: You have discovered this difference early in your relationship, before you married.
This difference may be a deal breaker, if the two of you cannot respect each other’s differences. You cannot be pushed into changing values unless you yourself want to change.
This is a problem that likely will not go away. Holidays and special occasions usually involve family get-togethers. Is this relationship strong enough to tolerate this strain? I doubt it. I urge you to have a serious heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend that emphasizes your need for him to respect your values about family ties. However, without a mediator, I suspect that any discussion on this matter will escalate into an argument.
Our upbringing plays a big role as to who and what we become. It also illustrates there’s a time to work out differences, and there’s also a time to realize that the differences and core values are too great to sustain a healthy relationship.
There’s no right or wrong here. If you and your boyfriend cannot find a mutually acceptable compromise, find a couples’ counselor to help you mediate the differences. If that doesn’t work, kiss him goodbye, and wish him well. Some differences cannot be overcome. Good luck.

Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and is the author of the New York Times best-selling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.