GET OUT NOW

Dear Dr. Archer,

I went on a few dates with my brother-in-law’s uncle. This man has wanted to go out with me for years. When I noticed his page on Facebook, I sent a friend request. We chatted, and I asked him out. 

We went to a mutual friend’s party, and had a wonderful time. After our date, he texted me and told me he enjoyed seeing me, and he wanted to take me to dinner. I didn’t hear from him for about a week. When I did, it was a text, asking me to meet him for dinner. We had a great time, and he was a true gentleman. He made me laugh, and I really enjoyed his company. 

Another week went by, and I did not hear from him. He eventually texted me, and asked me to meet him for dinner. Again, it was wonderful. We went to my house with a bottle of wine, hung out by my pool, and eventually ended up in bed. 

I realize now I should not have had sex with him. We slept together, and the next day he texted me that he had a girlfriend. However, he still wanted to see me. I agreed to another date, and again we ended up in bed.

Things got very complicated. His girlfriend’s ex found out about us, and is now contacting me to try and break them up. All four of us have had very nasty conversations through text messages.

I am so hurt, but I have fallen in love with this man. He is with his girlfriend, and will not text or talk to me. He’s 57 years old, and has never been married, but I found out he has plenty of lady friends with benefits.

How could he do this, especially to me? Remember, this man is my sister’s husband’s uncle. The family is very upset over his behavior. No one expected this. I am trying to forget about him, but I can’t. Any advice would be appreciated. I will never trust any man ever again.  

Susan

Dear Susan,

How could he do this to you? That’s easy. The real question is how could you do this to yourself?

Face it: If he truly had feelings for you, and if he was a man of substance, he would have broken it off with his girlfriend before he slept with you. True, he should have told you about the girlfriend first. But he did tell you eventually, and you slept with him again, anyway, so that’s on you.

There are millions of men out there that are good, responsible and faithful. Why do you want to be wined and dined by a man who has a girlfriend and “many other lady friends with benefits?” Why put yourself in this position, being in a four-way argument and upsetting the whole family?

Wise up. He’s a 57-year-old player; he’s having his cake, and he’s eating it, too. If you want fidelity, quit complaining, and find someone who is trustworthy. This guy has already made his choice. He is remaining with his girlfriend. So, you have a choice to make: You can quit pining away for a man who cheats on his girlfriend, or you can continue to make yourself miserable by dwelling on him. Ultimately, the choice is yours and yours alone, so stop blaming him.

One more thing: There are many, many good and honorable men out there. The key is to date with your eyes wide open, and choose wisely.

Dr. Archer

Dear Dr. Archer,

I met my wonderful, caring husband in 1999. We were married the following year, on Father’s Day weekend — a romantic Father’s Day gift for the man that I had fallen in love with. 

I have always had suspicious feelings regarding our relationship, and will admit that I didn’t want to fully put all of my trust forward. He seemed to be a quiet and anti-social being. 

The trouble began when I found porn on his computer, in 2000. He said he didn’t know how it got there, and said he’d correct the problem. Red flags went up in my head, but I continued the relationship, because it wasn’t that detrimental, and I felt it was no reason to stop dating. 

We bought a home in 2003, and the drama began. He was never missing in action — no late evenings or nights, and he always came home soon after work. BUT, the real problem: He would go missing for hours during the day.

I would call his phone every 15-30 minutes, sometimes for two or three hours, on any given day. It was excuse after excuse. He asked that I stop doing his laundry, because I was always looking for evidence. I lived through this for a few years. We argued, fussed and fought over his missing phone calls, his looking at other women, his getting lost in the stores while he was with me and me finding him down an aisle checking out other women. This drove me insane. 

I began thinking he wanted every woman out there. In 2005, I accused him and my aunt of trying to sleep together while I was out with family. The two of them had been left in the home alone on several occasions. I noticed the uneasiness between them when I returned from shopping one day. My aunt and I haven’t spoken since.  

In January of 2010, I found porn on every computer in the house. When I confronted him, he went ballistic, calling me names and asking me what type of person I thought he was. The situation finally smoothed over, but I have not forgotten.  

In August of 2012, I found an empty package of Cialis in his truck. Again, he went ballistic, and nasty words were exchanged. By this time, I was fit to be tied. He swore that the empty pack was not his, but he has been taking Viagra for only a year. He wanted it just in case anything should come up. He promised to stop taking the prescription and to not have any more refills. 

I hadn’t noticed any change in our sex life, and for a 56-year-old man, he wasn’t showing any signs of erectile dysfunction. My woman’s instinct told me he was still ordering these drugs, so I took it upon myself to create an account online at our drug store to see if I could pull his medication history. To my dismay, the history only showed the last six months.

I then wrote a letter to the main office in Rhode Island on his behalf, requesting a copy of all prescriptions filled; they sent a confidential copy in the mail since 2000, showing over 175 prescriptions filled since 2000. I was heartbroken. My husband has kept secrets that could ruin our marriage. Thirteen years of secrets. The trust and honesty are gone. What’s a woman to do? 

Ms. Dunn

Dear Ms. Dunn,

When the trust and honesty are gone, there’s only one thing to do: Call it quits. Read your letter as if someone else wrote it. Is this any way to live? I don’t think so.

You ignored the red flags, for far too long, and then when you did confront him, he fought back with name-calling and more lies. Face it: If there’s no trust, what do you have? There really is no way out, other than to get out — now. Start living for yourself, instead of doing your best to catch your husband in his next lie.

Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and is the author of the New York Times best-selling book Better than Normal.  Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.