BATTLING DEPRESSION

Dear Dr. Archer,

I’m a 50-year-old single teacher who was diagnosed with depression after the death of my father, when I was 31 years old. I was prescribed an antidepressant. 

Five years ago, I suffered a major depressive episode, and was referred to a psychiatrist who prescribed Moclobemide, which made me very ill. I ended up in the emergency room, where the psychiatrist prescribed Wellbutrin. I have a GP, but she’s not knowledgeable about depression. She simply gives me prescriptions for refills.

The past five years have been hell. I ended up taking a three-year medical leave from teaching, and lost my home because I couldn’t afford the mortgage. I’m gradually returning to work, but it has taken much longer than I thought. I’ve used up my savings to supplement my disability. I’m in debt.

Because I’m so depressed, I have no self-esteem. I was emotionally bullied by a new principal at school this year, as well as my class share partner. An assessment with a psychiatrist from my insurance company diagnosed me with depression, anxiety and PTSD. He said I was receiving inadequate medical care.

I have tried seeking help from counselors and psychologists, who told me I have too many problems for them to deal with. I know I have many issues — more so than the average person — but I have no idea where to turn for help. The only thing keeping me alive is my 16-year-old cat that has been my lifeline. I cannot be hospitalized, because I have no one to care for my cat. I know I will lose him soon, and then I will be alone.

There’s a one-year waiting list to see a psychiatrist in my city. But after my past experience with psychiatrists, I’m afraid to see him. I’m supposed to start teaching full-time in three weeks, and I know I can’t do it. I’m afraid to leave my cat alone. I’m afraid to be in the classroom. I’m afraid of the parents, staff and principal. I’ve transferred to a new school to have a fresh start, but I know I’ll fail there, too.

I know this sounds overwhelming, and I know I can’t be helped. Every professional I’ve seen has rejected me. I know it’s time for me to leave this earth after my cat is gone. I don’t even know why I’m writing to you, because nothing can be done. I’ve failed at life. I have no support system, no family, and my best friend is dying of cancer; my other friends rejected me when I became ill. I wish the medical community would take depression more seriously. When I re-read this, it sounds like a story, but unfortunately, it’s my life.

Debbie

Dear Debbie,

Your letter has really touched my heart. You are not a failure. You have depression, and there is no way you can simply will yourself to get better. You need a psychiatrist — someone who has experience in treating depression. Also, you’re not ready to give up. How do I know this? Because you took the time to write to me. That means you want to get better.

Is there a medical school where you live, or one in a nearby city? Often, there are teaching mental health clinics in the school where students gain hands-on experience during their college education. This could be an option, and it would be either a no- or low-cost treatment for you. You would have help from teaching professors or doctors and students with the very latest information and medication.

If such a clinic is available to you, make an appointment; if not, look into a mental health clinic where there’s free care. It’s hard to believe that there is no psychiatrist appointment available for a year where you live. If need be, get on the phone and call every single psychiatrist and ask. You must get under a doctor’s care ASAP.

While you’re working on that, here are some changes to your daily life that can be natural and effective depression treatments. They include:

• Exercise! Exercise is a natural mood booster. Exercise several times a week — every day is better — for at least 30 minutes. Aerobic exercise is great for your heart, but if it’s too much at this time, the simple act of getting out and taking a brisk walk around your neighborhood is enough.

• Eat a well-balanced diet. Healing from depression is a physiological process, and without good nutrition, the healing will take longer. Eating healthy gives your body a natural boost.

• Get up! Many people with depression just want to lie in bed and sleep. Don’t fall into that trap. Make yourself stay busy, and go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. Too much sleep is just as bad for you as too little. Avoiding taking naps will help you sleep at night.

• Set some realistic goals. Plan your day, and outline what you want to accomplish during that day. Scratch these goals off your list when they are met. Seeing your accomplishments will give you a boost.

• Give yourself responsibilities. I’m glad you have your precious cat. She gives you responsibilities that you must live up to in order for her to be happy and healthy. And, by the way, cats can live well into their 20s, so your cat is going to need you for a long time. But, right now, I want you to go out and adopt a kitten, which will be company for both you and your older cat, and introduce a new, young spirit into the house to liven things up and give you even more to focus on.

Regarding school, will the principal let you work part-time? Don’t push yourself too hard.

Get support. It may take a while before you get in to see the doctor, but in the meantime, see if there’s a support group in town. Group therapy can be a natural depression treatment. You’ll meet others who know exactly what you’re going through. Check online, and ask around at various hospitals and doctor’s offices.

Depression can be very debilitating. It may not seem like it, but you are definitely not alone. You just need help.

Try to get out and have fun. If you’re doing something you enjoy, your mood will naturally lift. I realize you won’t feel like having fun, but that’s part of the depression — the warped thought pattern. Even if it feels like work, do something you enjoy. You’ll be retraining yourself. And I, for one, think you’re worth it.

Dear Dr. Archer,

I’m a 37-year-old mother of two children. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, but he’s always lived in another country, meaning we do not live under the same roof.

My problem started a month ago, when he encouraged me to take an upcoming board exam. I focused all my attention on preparing for the boards, and ignored everything else. Since then, my life has become miserable and very stressful. I don’t have anyone to take care of my children; my husband left me; and I didn’t pass the licensing exam.

In my misery, I hacked his email account, and found out he’s been having an affair. I confronted him, and he told me he hasn’t loved me for quite some time.

I feel so betrayed. I put so much effort into our family. I’m trying to win him back, but he’s not interested. What should I do?

I don’t have the confidence to move on and get over this. I love him even more now than before, and am trying to put things back, though he doesn’t care. Please help me. 

Jen

Dear Jen,

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through, but I think you’re more scared of change than anything else. You’ve spent 13 years married, but living in separate countries. That would be practically impossible in any marriage.

The fact is, you’re clinging to the hope that things will remain the same. Most find it very uncomfortable and scary when they’re faced with change.

You say you love this man, even more now. Why? He’s never there for you, except for a phone call. He loves another woman. You’ve basically raised these children alone. If you say you’re trying to repair your marriage, but he doesn’t care, then what is there to save? He’s already emotionally checked out, leaving you stuck in the hotel, afraid to venture out on your own.

What you need to do is stop trying to change the inevitable. I say that because he’s not giving you any clue that this marriage can be saved. Seek a very good attorney, and get what you deserve. You have two children who deserve support from their father. They are his responsibility, too.

Focus on what you have, not on what you don’t have. Put your energies into your studies again, and retake your boards. Concentrate on that; you will do better this time without the distractions of your husband telling you to do something else. Trust me on this. You deserve much better than what you’ve been given. There are countless women who find themselves in the same situation, and it is scary. Yet, they prevail, not only getting over their husbands, but actually doing better without their husbands.

Tom Krause said, “There are no failures — just experiences and your reactions to them.” Believe in yourself. You’re much stronger than you know. And, one day, you’ll meet a man who is deserving of someone as faithful and loyal as you have proven to be. I wish you and the children well.

Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana.  He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and is the author of the New York Times bestselling book Better than Normal.  Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.