Dear Dr. Archer,
I have a dysfunctional sister. She’s an alcoholic, compulsive gambler, thief and chronic liar.
She goes to a therapist, or so I’m told, but it’s not doing any good, because she continues to live like this, without any remorse. I am mad! This has torn my family apart in so many ways. I’m mad that she doesn’t love us enough to stop; I’m mad that she steals, and somehow justifies that she’s entitled. I guess the thing that I’m most mad about is that she just doesn’t care.
Do you have any advice on what I should do with the love I once had, and the anger and hurt that I now feel?
Marsha
Dear Marsha,
There is one last-ditch effort you could make to get help for your sister: an intervention. An intervention consists of gathering all the family and friends that she has, and setting up a meeting with her, where each of you can state an example of how much her activity has hurt them. Make sure that everyone in attendance also states how much they care for her, and would love to get her help and back to her old self.
If you would like help in planning this and carrying it out, then a therapist with addiction training can be there as a moderator. These therapists are easy to find in most cities, either online, in the yellow pages, or through your doctors’ recommendation.
If your sister agrees to get help, the therapist can also make recommendations on treatment options. I suspect in this case she would be looking at long-term residential care. If you’ve already tried an intervention, and it wasn’t successful then it’s time for tough love. You will have to tell her: “I will always love you, but I can no longer have you as a part of my life, as long as you continue with your drinking and compulsive gambling. If, one day, you decide to get help and go into treatment, I will be there to support you, but otherwise, I don’t want any further contact.” I know that sounds harsh, but the key to your whole story is that your sister “just doesn’t care.” Think about it … if she doesn’t care about the loved ones in her life, then it’s impossible, at this point, for you to make a difference.
Many families have a difficult time going the tough love route. They see it as giving up. But, in reality, it’s a last-ditch effort to show the addict that they are going to lose everyone they care about if they don’t change their behavior.
As for the love and anger you feel: You must understand that we can’t control the behavior of others, as much as we might like to. So, as difficult as this may sound, you must let go of the emotion you are holding. You did all that you could, but sometimes that’s just not enough. So, let it go, move on with your own life, and channel that energy into useful and positive ventures.
Dear Dr. Archer,
I always examine my food thoroughly before I eat it. If I find anything that looks funny, I will not eat it! Is there something wrong with me? Also, I eat my food in order, from worst-tasting to best-tasting, and I will not let the foods touch each other. Could this be a symptom of anxiety?
Barb
Dear Barb,
The simple rule for when a psychiatric problem needs to be professionally addressed is when it interferes with the way you choose to live your life. The symptoms you describe could represent a type of anxiety disorder, in particular an Obsessive Compulsive disorder.
If you are getting enough to eat, and can enjoy meals with others, then it may be a little quirky, but it certainly doesn’t require treatment. On the other hand, if you are constantly thinking about food to the exclusion of work, family and friends, your nutrition is suffering, or meals represent so much trouble they are a nightmare, then a psychiatric evaluation and treatment would be indicated.
Dr. Archer
Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs and the author of the New York Times bestselling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.
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