Gifts You Won’t Find In Stores

Michael Kurth Thursday, December 18, 2014 0
Gifts You Won’t Find In Stores

Each year, I write a column about Christmas gifts that are not found in any store, or even on any website. For example, Christmas came early this year for five million undocumented workers, when President Obama granted them amnesty. If you have a maid, yardman, auto mechanic or carpenter who speaks Spanglish and works all day for $20, you might want to give them the Obamnesty Welcome to America Kit.  It comes wrapped in blue paper with little donkeys in Santa hats on it, and includes five years of rent receipts they can fill in to prove their residency, a Social Security card, a driver’s license, a bumper sticker that reads “I (heart) Obama,” and directions to the nearest unemployment office, since you cannot afford to pay them the $10.50 per hour minimum wage proposed by our president.     putin

If you have a youngster who enjoys playing with dolls, there is the perennially popular Hillary Clinton Coronation Set, which includes Hillary in a pantsuit draped with a banner reading “It’s my turn now.” She raises her arms in victory, and the doll sings “I am woman, hear me roar.”

New this year is the Mad Vlad Doll; it features the shirtless Russian president in a menacing pose. Raise the doll’s arm in a one-finger salute, and it exclaims in a thick Russian accent: “Here’s to you Barack you sniveling wimp.” If this frightens your child, there is a reset button on the back; unfortunately, it doesn’t work.

There was also an ISIS Fighter Doll due out in time for Christmas, but the shipment was confiscated at the Canadian border when it was discovered their suicide vests were real.

For that special little girl on your Christmas list, the Elizabeth Warren Indian Dress-up Kit is sure to provide hours of fun. It comes with an Indian headdress made in China, an artificial buckskin dress, and a certificate of authenticity entitling your child to special preferences when applying for a job at a prestigious eastern university (a gender neutral version is available, just don’t use the word “redskin” when requesting it).

If your little girl is more the outdoors type, you might consider the G.I. Joni Barnyard Play Set.  It comes with a scale model of the Ernst family farm in Iowa, complete with miniature piglets, a pair of scissors, and interchangeable M-16 or double-barreled shot gun.

The Harry Reid, Puppet Master Kit was canceled this year, due to a shortage of puppets, but in its place, you might want to check out Lego’s new Keystone Pipeline Construction Set. With 30 million Lego building blocks, and 875 miles of plastic tubing, it is sure to keep your little builder busy for years. There are just two caveats:

Delivery is likely to be delayed until after Christmas, and some “stupid” kids have complained the instructions written by MIT professor Jonathan Gruber are confusing and ambiguous.

A video game is sure to be popular with that millennial living in your basement or loft, and this year the Republican National Committee has come out with a hit game called Super Smash Pols. It features Republican superheroes such as Chris “Captain Courteous” Christie, Ben “Doc” Carson, Jeb “Bro” Bush,  Rick “Border Commander” Perry, Paul “Number Kruncher” Ryan, and Rand “Constitution Man” Paul, to name just a few. The object is to pick a character and use its special superpower to defeat the other superheroes. The survivor wins a free trip to the 2016 Republican Presidential Convention in Cleveland — a city that has not produced a championship team in 50 years.

If you are looking for kitchen appliances, there is Al Gore’s Snow Cone Machine (if every home in America had one, we could produce enough snow to lower the sea level 6 inches and save the polar bears at the North Pole); Bill Clinton’s heart-healthy Vegan Salad Maker; the Joni Ernst Electric Carving Knife, and the Colorado Rapid-bake Brownie Maker.

For those who enjoy international cuisine, a nice addition to the kitchen is North Korean President Kim Jong-un’s cookbook: 101 Meals Using Stones, Tree Bark and Rodents.

If you enjoy parlor games, you might want to try Coalition.  Players are assigned constituencies, and are then dealt position cards on issues such as combating Islamic terrorism, balancing the federal budget, immigration reform, global warming and creating jobs. The object is to trade off your constituency points to get other players to agree to your position, without being voted out of office yourself. One word of caution: you may not want to play this game in mixed company. Democrats tend to cooperate, and almost always win; Republicans then get angry and call the Democrats names, and independents become frustrated and leave the room.

The game Constitutional Challenge is currently being revised, and is not expected to be ready until Christmas, 2016; and Boots On The Ground has been withdrawn due to lack of consumer demand.

If you are into educational toys for your children, there is Fun with Numbers, from Common Core. This game will keep your family challenged for hours as you try to solve problems such as 8+7 using “new math.”

And the EPA Barnyard See-And-Say is an effort to educate children about the danger posed by methane gas emitted by livestock (cattle alone account for 5.5 million metric tons of methane gas per year, 20 percent of all U.S. methane emissions). When your child dials the pointer to a farm animal, they will hear the distinctive sound of that animal’s emission, followed by the amount of methane it contained. According to the EPA, if we kill all our farm animals and became vegans, we could save nearly 2,000 cuddly polar bears.

In past years, the Louisiana Football Highlights DVD was a popular stocking stuffer for sports fans in the Bayou State. Unfortunately, this year’s series has been canceled. In its place are The Best of Barack Obama’s Celebrity Golf Games, World Cup Soccer, and Highlights From CNN’s Coverage Of The Missing Malaysian Jetliner. The video of the gender-neutral Olympics this summer was also canceled, when it turned out that men won all the events.

Good luck shopping for gifts, and have a Merry Christmas!