Dear Dr. Archer,
Sex, sex, sex! I’m a 45-year-old married man and it seems like every time I turn on the television, see a billboard or open a magazine, sex is the primary theme. I find this repulsive. Is it just me, or do most people feel this way?
Bill
Dear Bill,
No, most people don’t feel this way! Many people love to see sexy ads. Let’s face it — sex sells. Advertisers use sex for the simple reason that this is a basic human drive. In fact, the entire animal kingdom is programmed to procreate for the survival of species. Since the sex drive is at the subconscious level, marketers have discovered that this is an excellent way to manipulate their target audience, which is primarily 20-40 years of age. Once you have raised a family, the lure of sex is not as defined, so older people are usually less susceptible.
The bottom line is that our sex drive is basic and biological, but you do have control over it. Once you understand this, and take charge of this emotion, you will be able to view the ads with a sense of humor and amusement, as you realize how the advertisers are attempting to manipulate potential buyers. As with most things in life, once you understand the rationale, it will be much easier to accept.
Dear Dr. Archer,
I live in a townhouse. My adjoining neighbor is a single mother with two children — a grade-schooler and a toddler. I sense in the mother unhappiness and anger.
Almost every night, I hear her screaming at her children, usually with profanity. The children are usually screaming and crying profusely. It gets so loud I can hear it over my television. I can’t tell if there is physical abuse, but it definitely has to be mental. I feel she is projecting whatever problems she has on these children.
As a once verbally abused child myself, this is breaking my heart. I can only imagine what these kids’ lives are like, and the long-term effects this sort of environment will have on them.
Is this something I should report, even if there is no physical abuse? Should I visit with her on my own? Any suggestions?
Bobby
Hi Bobby,
All states in U.S. have a mandatory child abuse and neglect reporting law. The duty to report suspected child abuse applies to anyone who has reason to believe that a child has been or is likely to be abused or neglected, or may need protection. The situation that you describe is grounds for, at the very least, a “look-and-see” by Child Protection Services.
I would not recommend that you confront your neighbor on your own. This is a situation best handled by trained experts.
Regardless of whether actual physical abuse is taking place, it sounds like verbal abuse is definitely occurring, and therefore the potential for physical abuse exists. You do not need to be certain that a child is in need of protection to make a report. “Reasonable grounds” are what an average person, exercising normal and honest judgment, would suspect. Your report is confidential, and is not subject to public release under the Open Records Act. The law provides for immunity from civil or criminal liability for innocent persons who report even unfounded suspicions, as long as your report is made in good faith.
Depending on the severity of the home situation, a visit from CPS may serve as a wake-up call for the mother, and she will get the help she needs to deal with her situation. If the CPS investigator suspects physical abuse or neglect, he or she will take steps to ensure the children are protected. You must report this immediately.
Dear Dr. Archer,
I think a friend of mine is being abused by her husband. He’s always criticizing her, and lately she has canceled several of our plans. I noticed a bruise on her arm last week, and she quickly pulled her sleeve down, saying she had run into a sharp corner. The bruise looked like fingerprints. I’m afraid to say anything, but I want to help if I can. What should I do?
Sheila
Dear Sheila,
Your reluctance to mention your concern is understandable, since you run the risk of being wrong, embarrassing yourself and offending your friend. However, you should trust your instincts.
I find that in most cases where spousal abuse is suspected, it’s actually taking place. National statistics show that there are more than 10 female victims of abuse per 100 couples every year. Emotional abuse, either on its own or in conjunction with violence, is also very common. Victims of physical abuse often attempt to hide the evidence, stay out of sight until injuries heal, or blame the injury on an accident. With emotional abuse, the signs are even less apparent. The abuser is often cruel, hurtful, critical and controlling, and the victim feels trapped and helpless.
So how do you know if your suspicions are correct? The signs you mentioned are classic. Other signs to watch for include being overly quiet or deferential around her husband, quickly ending phone conversations without explanation, and increasing isolation from friends, family and regular activities.
Gently broach the subject with your friend. Tell her you care about her and respect her privacy, but that you are concerned. Given the fact she hasn’t shared her problem with you before, there’s a good chance that she’ll deny there’s anything wrong, at which point it’s best to give her space to consider what you’ve said, and decide whether to trust you.
Work to maintain regular contact with your friend, and bring your concerns up at a later date, but don’t give up. Remind her that she has you as a resource and that you’re there for her if needed.
If she does admit that abuse is occurring, then it’s time to get her out immediately. Every community has a hotline for battered women, and this would be the next step to take in order to get her to safety.
Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and is the author of the New York Times bestselling book Better than Normal. Visit him online at DrDaleArcher.com.
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