Jealousy

Dear Dr. Archer, 

I’m 16, and have always been jealous of my sister, who is two years older. She’s always been the smarter one, the prettier one, and the most popular one. Worst of all is the fact that she’s really nice. 

I feel terrible for reacting this way. She doesn’t deserve it, but I get so angry with her because she is so much better than me. I try not to let it bother me, but the jealousy and anger is so strong. Can you help? 

Allison

Dear Allison,

Everyone goes through different phases during life. When everything seems to be going your way, that’s considered a golden time. This is clearly where your sister is at this point. The trick is to realize when you’re in one of these periods, and to appreciate it for what it is.

But these idyllic phases don’t last forever — not for her, or for anyone. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and we all, at some point, face difficult times and personal challenges.

As life goes on, you’ll come to realize that just because someone is more popular, smarter or prettier, does not mean she is going to have a happier or more successful life. You need to focus on your strengths, and tailor your life around what is best for you. Make a list of what you excel at, and then focus on getting better at these things.

Just because your sister is doing well doesn’t mean you can’t do well, also. In fact, I recommend that you change your attitude toward your sister. Instead of being jealous, make a conscious effort to start feeling happy for her and her success. Positive thinking really works.

You’ll find that the jealousy will melt away, allowing you the ability to pursue your own dreams without being dragged down by negative thinking. You never know where your life will lead. And remember that happiness is not a destination on the road of life, but rather a means of travel.

Dear Dr. Archer,

I have a daughter who seems to take on the bad traits of her husbands. Her first husband was abusive and mean, and she became abusive and mean. Her second husband is a liar and a cheater, so she thinks she can be the same. 

She uses foul language in front of her 15-month-old daughter, and doesn’t seem to care. Whenever she discovers her husband’s infidelity, she destroys some of his personal belongings. They are both selfish liars, so you can’t believe anything they say. 

They don’t have time to feed my granddaughter even one meal a day. The baby-sitter is feeding her twice a day, and they just give her a bottle at night so they won’t be bothered. 

Does my daughter have a mental disorder? Is there some nationwide agency (since they are in Florida and in the Air Force) that can help them? 

Worried Grandmother

Hi Worried Grandmother,

No, there is no mental disorder that would account for your daughter’s behavior. Obviously, your daughter does have some issues, the first being her choice of men. However, you can’t blame her husbands for her behavior. She is an adult, and is responsible for her own actions. Imitating the unacceptable behavior of her husband is a choice she is making — no excuses.

The biggest issue, of course, is the safety and well-being of her child. If you feel she is not providing appropriate care, the most assertive step you could take is calling Child Protective Services. This organization can be found in every community. You can call your local organization to get the number for CPS where your daughter lives in Florida. They could certainly step in to evaluate the safety of the home, and the level of care being provided for the child. If they conclude that the home is not safe, your daughter could lose her child — but this would happen only if the CPS were absolutely convinced that it was in the best interest of your grandchild.

You must put the safety of the child before all other considerations. The CPS also tries to provide support services for parents in certain circumstances. So, if you feel sure about what you know, then make that call.

Dear Dr. Archer,

I have been fostering two children for the past five months. Their ages are 5 and 7. Their mother is a cocaine addict. Both children seem to have high levels of frustration, and sometimes they display explosive anger. Is this because of their mother’s addiction?

Caroline 

Dear Caroline,

The key point here is that genetics play a huge role in terms of our mental health. That the children’s mother is a cocaine addict indicates they are at higher risk for a psychiatric condition. In addition, the instability associated with growing up in what must have been a horrible environment may lead to issues of impulse control and easy frustration.

The best thing you could do at this point is to provide a stable, loving and caring environment for these children. Also, I would have both children evaluated by a child psychiatrist, as I suspect medication may be needed. Good luck.

Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana.  He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs and the author of the New York Times bestselling book Better than Normal.  Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.