I’m going to tell you a joke. Some people think it’s pretty funny. But I warn you, it’s a dirty joke.
Here’s the joke:
What’s the difference between a redneck and a coonass?
The Sabine River.
I used to think the terms “redneck” and “coonass” were about equally offensive to poor undereducated rural people. But it turns out the matter may be more complicated than that.
It all started with a comment Texas state Rep. Dennis Bonnen, R-Angleton, recently made in a legislative hearing in Texas. He said, “we can make jokes and pick on Louisiana and it’s fun and all that … We had to have a teacher who could do coonass in English …” (He was referring to Texans who taught child refugees from Hurricane Katrina.)
The Times-Picayune quoted state Sen. Norbert Chabert, R-Houma, as saying, “When you make a deliberate comment like that, how can I not get offended as an Acadiana American? … It’s insulting to our accent. It’s insulting to be called that by someone from out of state.”
So maybe the real issue here is not whether the word “coonass” is used, but where it’s used. To probe the matter, I went to a part of a bridge where I could stride the border between Texas and Louisiana. I’d step on the Texas side and say “coonass,” then step on the Louisiana side and say “coonass.” Back and forth I went, from state to state, always saying the word.
I have to admit I didn’t feel more unethical when I said “coonass” on the Texas side than on the Louisiana side. I did feel kind of stupid for doing this little dance a few inches from mammer jammer SUVs going 90 mph.
Now, you may know that the well-known Louisiana organization CODOFIL is threatening to sue Bonnen if he uses the word “coonass” in public in Texas again. (CODOFIL is a well-known Louisiana state agency that promotes French language and culture in Louisiana.) In particular, CODOFIL said it might file a claim with the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights.
It may be an empty threat. I have a feeling Bonnen won’t say “coonass” in public again. The only exception might be if he uses the word “coonass” in the process of apologizing for saying “coonass” in public. (That makes me think of the scene in Life of Bryan in which the Jewish official winds up getting stoned to death because he keeps on using the word “Jehovah” as he’s accusing a criminal of taking the name of “Jehovah” in vain.)
I thought about proposing that “hick” might be used on both sides of the Sabine to describe poor undereducated rural people. It’s probably a bad idea. But folks might want to consider it as a workable alternative. I know the term “poor undereducated rural people” is not going to catch on (and neither is PURP).
Deep-Fried Everything
Folks who’ve lived around here for a while will tell you that pristine Southwest Louisiana cuisine is about one half traditional Cajun recipes and one half deep-fried everything. If you think I’m exaggerating the role played by deep-fried food, try standing between an SWLA big boy and his Friday night all-you-can-eat seafood buffet and see what happens to you.
When I learned that New Orleans fire chief and line cook Mike Gowland won first place on the national TV show Deep Fried Masters with a deep-fried poboy, I was more than a little surprised I’d never heard of that dish (which I have to admit is Louisiana to the core).
If I judge the recipe correctly, anyone can make this little culinary gem easily. Gowland made a very innovative move when he started his TV prep with a poboy that was already made. He brought a roast beef poboy prepared by the N.O. eatery Parkway Bakery and Tavern. Then he just did a few really simple things to it.
Here’s the full recipe:
Deep Fried Roast Beef Poboy With Debris Gravy
1 roast beef poboy with debris gravy from Parkway (or your favorite eatery)
1 cup flour
1 cup corn starch
1 cup cold buttermilk
3/4 cup ice water
Cut poboy into small pieces. Batter and fry.
Give that recipe high points for simplicity.
Gowland got the lock on his first place award with an even more innovative recipe: the Elvis Roll.
Elvis Roll
Sliced banana
White or dark chocolate pieces
Peanut butter
Bacon
Egg roll wraps
Powdered sugar
Marshmallow cream
Cream cheese
Mix together marshmallow and cream cheese. Set aside.
Roll first four ingredients in egg roll wraps. Fold egg roll wraps securely. Deep fry. Add powdered sugar. Dip in cream mixture.
A lot of guys are going to eat that if only for the bacon.
Gowland let the judge of the cooking contest know Gowland was a Louisianan tried and true. When he was defending his dishes, he said, “I’m a fry guy.” This was by way of saying he didn’t make any great claims when it came to being a saucier.
I wouldn’t take a position as to who makes the state’s best poboy anymore than I would step into a chainsaw duel with Leatherface. I will tell you that Parkway Bakery and Tavern has been in the news of late. In 2012, when New Orleans magazine editor Errol Laborde asked N.O. restaurants to start calling its sandwiches “poor boys” instead of “poboys,” Parkway was the only spot that did. It won high praise from New Orleans mag and a few unkind comments from regulars.
Also, two years earlier, President Obama had dropped into Parkway with his family. The president ate a shrimp poboy.
I Can’t Go Out. I’m Washing My DNA.
Even though it’s going to take up quite a bit of space, I thought I should let you know that I got some big — and I do mean big — news from the Ashtar Command Community in a recent email.
The subject line of the email informed me that “PURIFICATION PHASE II HAS BEGUN.” And that is an important development, I grant you.
But what really got my motor running was that this was the first email in which the Ashtar Command Community has informed us about the “GODDESS VORTEX POWER TOOL DNA CHANGER ENERGY PURIFIER SUN DISC.”
I realize you probably already know how the GODDESS VORTEX POWER TOOL DNA CHANGER ENERGY PURIFIER SUN DISC works, but let me explain it just in case. The disc is both an “accelerating device” and “attunement instrument.” Of course, what it does for you is “cleanse your DNA from remnants and frequencies past.”
So it’s a sort of DNA cleanser, or a DNA detergent, if you prefer — but a detergent in disc form. It was a little hard to wrap my mind around the concept at first, but I stuck with it, and now it makes perfect sense to me.
Anyway, the GODDESS VORTEX POWER TOOL DNA CHANGER ENERGY PURIFIER SUN DISC will “attune” your DNA with “the frequency of THE SOURCE” as it – THE SOURCE — is “entering GAIA.” I’m not going to bet the farm on it, but I think “GAIA” might be the earth.
Now that it’s all clear, I’m going to tell you how you can get the GODDESS VORTEX POWER TOOL DNA CHANGER ENERGY PURIFIER SUN DISC. You just have to pay $119.99. This will be an easy call once you know that the GODDESS VORTEX POWER TOOL DNA CHANGER ENERGY PURIFIER SUN DISC is made of “Genuine Citrine Quartz Crystals” — just like those wristwatches those guys in downtown Chattanooga used to try to sell me for $10 each in the ‘70s.
I imagine some of you out there are thinking, “Well, Brad, I’m willing to pay a whole lot more than $120 if I can get the frequencies cleaned out of my DNA.” Hey, I’m way ahead of you. I did a little digging on the ashtarcommandcrew.net web site, and boy did I find some good news for you.
It turns out “THUNDERBEAT” and “ARCHANGEL METATRON” will conduct a “22 STRAND DNA ACTIVATION” with you via Skype for $200. What does the 22 STRAND DNA ACTIVATION do that makes it worth $200? Well, you know, “IT RAISES YOUR FREQUENCY LEVEL HELPING YOU WITH THE SHIFTS.” There’s no punctuation in that sentence, but who cares as long as you’re getting help with the shifts? Many, many is the time I’ve been sitting on the couch in the middle of a TV program and shouted out to anyone who cared to listen, “Oh my Lord how I wish I could get some help with the shifts.”
Really, there’s DNA cleansing materials for all budgets at ashtarcommandcrew.net. For instance, you can get the book World of Archangels for just one standard old American buck. Among the statements included in the marketing material for this book are these: “It took over a year to write.” “It’s over 200 pages long.”
I know such over-the-top praise as that is bound to make potential readers skeptical. But I have the feeling this is a good read. I know it’s already the only volume on my bedside table.
I hope the book will tell me more about the “Grand Event: The Beginning — Blood Moon,” which is “the event that shall be known in recorded history as that which has come and that which has gone and that which has returned and that which has risen from the ashes of the past …” That being said, it’s high time for this edition of Up Front to become “that which has come and that which has gone.”
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