taking charge

Dear Dr. Archer,

I am a recently divorced 40-year-old man. The dating scene is nothing like I remember from my college days. It’s like a whole new world! Women in the nightclubs I go to are doing the pursuing — and they are very aggressive, I might add. Younger women treat sex like a game, and compare notes from night to night. 

I’m looking for more than a superficial connection and recreational sex. I would like a healthy, stable relationship. Do you have any advice on better navigating today’s singles? 

Mike

Dear Mike,

The dating scene today is quite different than it was just a couple of decades ago. In the past, many women were focused on finding a man to marry, one who would provide them with support and security. They protected their reputation so they could have a good marriage and be a good wife.

Women today are no longer dependent on men. They have the educational and financial opportunities to take care of themselves. For many, marriage is no longer their main focus, so what you are experiencing in the nightclub scene is women who have adopted the dating behaviors previously associated only with men.

You first need to decide exactly what you want in a relationship. Many younger women may not be interested in anything serious. They want to have fun, but not get involved. If you are looking for a more serious relationship, then connecting with a 20-something in a nightclub probably won’t get you what you’re looking for. In other words, you are looking for love in all the wrong places.

You need to find women who have more in common with you and your current situation. Look into a new hobby, or join a club, organization or social group that would bring you into contact with those who have similar interests. You should also try an online dating service. You’d be amazed at the number of people on these sites who are looking for the same things you are. Expanding your personal “dating scene” will help you find a more fulfilling relationship. Good luck!

Dear Dr. Archer,

Every weekend, I go out with my friends and have at least five or so beers each night. My girlfriend says this is binge drinking, and she is very worried. I say this is normal. What do you think? Do I have a drinking a problem or not? We have agreed to listen to your advice. 

Blake

Dear Blake,

Your girlfriend is right to be concerned. However, there are many definitions for what constitutes alcoholic behavior. Binge drinking is commonly defined as consuming five or more drinks in a row in one session for men, and four or more in a row for women. Another study defines problem drinking as a man who consumes more than 25 drinks in a week, or a female consuming 20 drinks in a week.

The amount of alcohol consumed, per se, will never define who becomes an alcoholic. I like to look at the behavior of the drinker. Signs like poor judgment, irresponsible behavior, fights with family or friends, or missing work due to drinking are much more of a red flag in my mind in terms of who may need treatment.

My advice is that five drinks every Friday and Saturday night is too much. Prove to your girlfriend, and yourself, that you can go without alcohol for a full month, and still go out with your friends and have a good time. Good Luck.

Dear Dr. Archer,

My wife and I have been married for 14 years. I love her very much — so much so that when I found out she had had an affair with a co-worker, I forgave her. Naturally, this was a very difficult time in our marriage, but we were able to work through it and stay together. It’s been three years since the affair, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m really past it. 

Even though she has done nothing to make me suspicious since the affair, I constantly question her about where she is going and what she is doing. I call her at work all the time, even though the co-worker she had the affair with has moved away. She says she has been totally faithful since this incident, and, while I believe her, I guess I don’t completely trust her. We’re beginning to fight about my lack of trust all the time. How can I really get past my suspicions? 

Grant

Dear Grant,

Contrary to popular belief, the majority of marriages that end because of an affair often do so not immediately after the infidelity takes place, but several years later. The reason for this is basically the situation you are describing: ongoing distrust and accusations.

Often, when infidelity occurs, there is a need to punish the offending partner, but if this goes on too long, it will lead to a marked deterioration of the relationship. This is exactly what’s happening to you.

Dealing with infidelity is a complex situation. For some, the decision to walk away is an easy one, while for others (as in your case), a decision is made to move on past the infidelity. When this happens, both partners have some serious work to do in order for the marriage to recover.

Marriage is difficult enough when dealing with day-to-day issues in the present. Constantly revisiting the past just adds additional stress and serves no useful purpose.

It sounds like you have not completely forgiven nor forgotten your wife’s affair. If you want your marriage to survive, this is a step you are going to have to take, and it must be done soon. If you still have questions about her behavior, discuss these with her to get a resolution to the incident once and for all.

I suggest that if you truly believe your wife is faithful, and has been since the affair, then you should make a conscious decision to forgive her, and really leave the past in the past, where it belongs. Otherwise, the chances of your marriage surviving are practically nonexistent. I sincerely wish you much success.

Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and is the author of the New York Times best-selling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.