TOO STRICT?

Dear Dr. Archer,

My teenage son thinks I’m unfair because I set and enforce rules like a reasonable curfew and no going out on school nights. He argues that none of his friends’ parents set rules. Am I being too strict?

Scott 

Hi Scott,

It’s a rite of passage. Kids, especially teens, will always push the limits as far as possible so that they know exactly where they stand. That’s part of growing up, and coping with this challenge is part of being a parent.

Sometimes you might give in, and sometimes you won’t, but be careful about caving in too often, because teenagers will use that against you whenever they can.

One way you can make it easier on yourself is to stay in touch with other parents. This is an often-overlooked secret weapon in the parenting arsenal. You may be surprised to find out that other parents are not granting all this freedom you are hearing about, and the other parents are probably getting the same story from their teens that you are getting from yours. Most parents are just as concerned and confused about setting appropriate limits as you are. Remember, there is strength in solidarity.

By communicating regularly with other parents, you can keep tabs on your children, keep their stories straight, and hopefully diffuse the argument of “all my friend’s parents are letting them, so why can’t I?” Good luck.

Dear Dr. Archer, 

My husband is angry at me, and he has withdrawn from our relationship, or at least that is how I see it. Right now, we’re seeing a marriage counselor, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. I’m very discouraged, and I’m considering filing for divorce. 

We have not been intimate for about six months. We’ve been married for over 13 years, and things were great until this past July. My only brother died, and I paid for his children to attend college. I also helped pay repairs to the house back in my Philippines hometown. My husband and I discussed these things before any money was ever spent, but now he says my family is more important than him. I worked plenty of overtime to pay for the costs of these things, and we are not struggling for money. Is money worth ending a marriage? Your response will be a great help. Thank you. 

Liz

Dear Liz,

Financial problems are the number one cause of marital discord. Couple that with the fact that you and your husband haven’t been intimate in six months, and you are dealing with two major potential marriage-enders. As long as a couple is still intimate, that means it is possible to save the marriage. The longer you go without sex, the less the chance of making things work.

Seeing a marriage counselor is a good step, but first you have to decide if you really want to stay in the marriage. Think long and hard about what you really want. Many people go to counseling, when in reality they want the relationship to end; they just can’t admit it to themselves.

If you do want the marriage to work, the first thing to do is focus on a compromise on the money (this will be the easy part). Make a budget together, and decide where the money will be spent; listen to each other’s points. Then decide which part of “your money” can be spent on “you” (and the same for him), as well as how much is spent together for you as a couple.

More important, however, is to work on your intimacy. The first step here is for you to let your husband know he’s the most important man in the world to you. He’s probably feeling like he’s second string to your family. So why not plan a vacation for the two of you that you pay for? Also make sure to frequently let him know how much you love him, and that you want the marriage to work.

Good luck.

Dr. Dale Archer is a board-certified Psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and the author of the New York Times bestselling book Better than Normal.  Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.