I Dont Know What A Headline Is

Brad Goins Monday, August 11, 2014 0
I Dont Know What A Headline Is

In the May 15 edition, the American Press ran a section called RESTAURANT SCENE. I assumed this was a restaurant review and the author of the long article about a local restaurant was a restaurant reviewer.

Imagine my surprise when I read this: “We ended up ordering quiche, something I was totally unfamiliar with. I didn’t know that quiche could be served hot or cold. I didn’t know it was egg based and came with an assortment of vegetables and meats, making each one a little different from the next.”

I can relate. I’ve been an editor for more than 20 years. But I still don’t know what a font or a slug or a byline is. I don’t know what the Associated Press or the Associated Press Style Manual is. And if I did know what the Associated Press Style Manual is, I wouldn’t know how to use it.

But (as I think we all see) people can write about things they don’t know about. So, I think if the Press wants to run a column on automobile engine repair or molecular biology, I’d be perfect for the job.

In all fairness, the author of RESTAURANT SCENE did inform readers he wasn’t the person who usually writes this column. I’ve got a little tip for the Press. Whoever’s going to write the column, check to make sure he knows what a quiche or a mousse or a crème brulee is before you give him his assignment.



I keep reading all over the national media that President Barack Obama and Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal are engaged in some sort of feud. They may be. I don’t know either one of them, nor do I know anyone who knows either one of them. So I have no evidence that they’re not feuding.

Jindal provided some pretty potent evidence for the feud hypothesis when he recently slammed Obama in an opinion piece he wrote for Politico. I didn’t learn about it by reading Politico; no, I was fortunate enough to read the column in one of the blanket emails the Jindal office sends me hourly.

This email started out with the same silly phrase about half of the Jindal emails begin with —


Here’s a couple of things I didn’t miss. Serious writers and serious adults don’t put things in all caps. NOT EVER!

I also know that whenever the governor’s office sends me the phrase “IN CASE YOU MISSED IT,” the office is invariably referring to something I’m glad I missed because I think it’s trivial or trivial or trivial.

This email was a perfect case in point. The second line read:

What Hillary Knew — In 1993

Not in 2013. Not even in 2003. But way back in 1993.

Did I mention I don’t care what she knew in 1993? Maybe in 1993 there was a time when Jindal knew you get a stuck window to move by rubbing soap on it. Maybe in 1993, there was a time when he said, “Doo doo pee pee caca.” I don’t care. There may have been a time in 1993 when I said, “She’s all that and a bag of chips” or “Hey, go for it!” or “I live in a van down by the river.” I still don’t care.

But since I’ve written all this about it, I guess I should also write just what it was Hilary Clinton knew and said in 1993. It was the following:

“I will be unable to assume the presidency as I have been justly condemned by the Ashtar Command Community and the Pleiadian Council to long-term imprisonment on Level 6 of Area 51 for spaceship crimes I committed against the planet Mars in a previous life. Praise be to the intergalactic light father Woodrow Wilson!” Seems harmless enough to me.


Budget Reduction

A little birdy told me that in the Legislative session, one of our fearless leaders said that another of our fearless leaders — the Louisiana superintendent of education — would probably be paid $300,000.

Do you think there’s somebody who’ll be willing to do the job correctly for that amount of money? I mean, I have no idea what the superintendent of education does. But if the stuff he does merits a $300,000 salary, it must be vitally important. Suppose the stuff he does — whatever it is — is so important that neither you nor I could go on living for another day if he didn’t do it. That’s a scurry prospect! I’m going to be sweating bullets until I know a competent candidate has agreed to accept the salary offered.

On the other hand, Louisiana is a poor state. Everybody says so. I wonder whether it’s possible — maybe — to get a half-way decent guy to be superintendent of education for just a tad less … say, maybe $275,000. Or even — dare I write it? — $250,000.

I guess it’s possible. But I think I know why the Legislature is offering $300.000. Do you know what the superintendent of education gets paid in Los Angeles — in the second biggest city in America and one of the most powerful cities in the world? Did you guess $300,000? If you did, then you are a pretty sharp person.

So, what’s going on here is that the Legislature is afraid that if we don’t offer even a mediocre candidate at least $300,000, that candidate will hop on the next jet and take the superintendent of education position in Los Angeles. See, our leaders do know what they’re doing.


I Promote The Administration Again

Cruz said some more stuff, like this: “When we have so much of the liberal media, that they have ceased to be broadcasters, they have ceased to be, really, journalists, and they have become mouthpieces for the administration … all they want to do is promote the talking points of the administration.”

You know, he’s exactly right. About all I do is promote the Obama administration. In fact, I’m going to do it again right now.

One of the first things any U.S. President should do is consult with his party’s leaders. When President Obama recently nominated Michael Boggs to be a federal judge in Georgia, he apparently failed to mention it to the Senate’s No. 3 Dem, the well-known Chuck Schumer, or the No. 4 Democrat, Sen. Patty Murray.

Well, they’re just Nos. 3 and 4, right? Right. But we also know the president didn’t consult with the top dog, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. We know that because it was Reid who told the press that in the Georgia Legislature, Boggs had not sided with the Democrats on abortion and gay marriage — and had even backed the Confederate flag.

Schumer and Murray were apparently so steamed they let the press know about it. Are you thinking that maybe it’s time for the president to invite the Democratic leadership over for a crawfish boil?



Q. What do you call a bear who has no teeth?

A. A gummy bear.