I’m Fixing To Write This

Brad Goins Thursday, July 18, 2013 0
I’m Fixing To Write This

Here’s a question that ran in The Informer column of the American Press on page 3 of the July 3 edition. I quote it verbatim:

“What is the status of us giving tanks and planes to Egypt? Are they still fixing to ship them, or have we backed out of it yet?”

Is the Press fixing to run out of editors? If so, is it fixing to get more editors? If it would be of any help, I can inform the Press of some web sites its staff can go to to find editors.

Since no one educated enough to know English grammar will teach in the newly devastated Louisiana schools, I think we journalists might pitch in and try to help the general public a little with English and grammar and so forth. Of course, we can’t do it without editors.


Nanny Nanny Boo Boo!

I ain’t fixing to fix my bad grammar, and I say y’all shouldn’t fix it neither. And if them snobs in the rest of the country laugh at the way we talk, I say we should just laugh along with them and say, “Ha ha! The joke’s on you! You make a whole lot more money than I do! And I’m laughin’ all the way to the bank! Now jump back, sucka!”


If You Can Read This, You Can Vote

The left-wing Supreme Court just decided there’s no longer any need to monitor southern states to see whether they’re following the Voting Rights Act.

I asked the registrar in Wagon Rut, and he said he thought the Supreme Court had made the right decision.

“Look,” he said, “if a man who’s not white comes to me and says he wants to vote, and if he can show me a voter registration card and picture ID and all the forms of ID required by the Patriot Act and can prove he has a 12th grade education or the equivalent thereof and can prove he owns property and a house and a car and is gainfully employed and has never been in any trouble with John Law, then I have nothing in the world against him voting.”

“What about women who aren’t white?” I asked.

“I haven’t quite got that figured out yet,” he said. “But 2016 is a long way away. I’ve got some time.”

Then he said, “Now I’m not prejudiced, but …” Unfortunately, we can’t print what he said next.

The point he was trying to make was that while there may once have been some prejudice in this area it’s all gone now. I think any rational person who goes around and talks to people in these parts would have to agree with that.

And what if we did wind up having big race riots in 2016 the way we used to after federal elections? I’m guessing there was never any race riot in Lake Charles. But where I grew up, in Chattanooga, we had them on a pretty regular basis. They weren’t nearly as bad as people made them out to be. Only a very few people were killed. Everybody got out of school. And having curfews and being forced to go inside when it got dark was kind of an exciting change from the routine.

The main thing to keep in mind is that as a country, we really are continuing to progress. We really are. I really believe that. Actually, I don’t believe that. But it’s important to me to write things that make my readers feel better. Does it work?


Back To The Past

The practical effect of the Supreme Court decision is that it will put the southern states pretty much right where they were in the middle of the Civil Rights era. Activists all over the world are saying they’ll show up to monitor elections in the South. And a lot of these people don’t much care whether they get arrested and put in jail. And every time one is put in jail, there’s a lot of international news coverage. And, of course, the state where the arrest took place gets a lot of negative publicity. If you’re not old enough to remember the drill, you may be learning it pretty soon. It’s real easy at first.


Should We File A Missing Person Report?

I called a local doctor’s office on the morning of July 3 and was told the doctor would be leaving at noon because of July 4. Of course. That’s what I get for being naïve enough to think someone would be working in Southwest Louisiana the day before a holiday.

It should be noted, though, there are a few people in Louisiana who work on July 2 … and even on July 3. These people are politicians.

While everybody else was frantically shopping for July 4 brisket and Doritos and Bud Lite, state Treasurer John Kennedy was making at least one speech. He made a funny when he told the Ponchatoula Rotary Club that he hadn’t seen Gov. Bobby Jindal in 18 months.

Lots of people will react by saying something like, “That’s the very reason Jindal could never be elected senator.”

But I wouldn’t start placing bets now. Sure, Jindal would have to regain 13 or 14 points. But politics is hard to predict. While I find Jindal’s performance as governor appalling, I admit he has some qualities that may enable him to win elections. He’s tenacious and can change course quickly when he has to. I think he might be hard to beat.

As for Kennedy, he’s made no secret of the fact that he wants to be governor. He’ll have to hope that his endless stream of emails, speeches, alternative budget proposals and so forth has given him name recognition. Let’s face it, whoever our next governor is, one person he won’t be is Mr. Personality.


How Not To Be Spied On

I just got a certified letter from the NSA. It had all this stuff written at the top:

NOTE: Restricted Special

Intelligence LIMDIS


Traffic Light Protocol: RED

Maybe that means I shouldn’t have printed the letter here. But after mulling it over, I decided I should print it as a public service in the hope it may help us all better enable the U.S. government not to spy on us. Here’s the complete letter:

Dear Mr. Bradley E. Goins:

I am the NSA agent who has not been assigned to your case. I am writing you to provide you with some guidelines you can follow to make it easier for me not to spy on you.


1. Please note you have not been on Facebook in well over a year. It is important for every American citizen to engage in social networking. Social networking is one of your best ways to inform others about who your associates are and what you are doing with them. Facebook users love group shots. Impromptu cell phone shots are especially popular.


2. Almost all your tumblr posts are tagged as “experimental music” or “experimental art.” Many of the creative figures you mention are dead, and are therefore immediately eliminated as subjects who are not of interest for surveillance checks that are not ongoing. Your narrow range of tumblr interests indicates a negligence of knowledge about and participation in current world affairs.


3. Your Google search records show no evidence of your using the search terms “Al Qaeda” or “Taliban.” Also, you have failed to conduct any searches about countries with populations that are predominately Muslim. This, again, indicates a negligence of world affairs as well as an unnecessarily small pool of potential associates.


4. Our records show you have never sent a text message. This is a violation of The Patriot Act.


5. Your last twitter post, which was posted several months ago, I might ad, related to a Harvard Business Review debate about the relation of worker rewards to productivity. While these abstract issues can, at times, be amusing, they, again, indicate a lack of interest in and attention to current world affairs. Your persistent lack of participation in current world affairs is a deplorable tendency on your part that I have noticed during the time I have not been conducting surveillance on your computer activity.

 As the agent not in charge of your case, I ask that you attend to the above matters so that I can more easily refrain from spying on your Internet activities, refrain from monitoring your communications and refrain from gathering information about your associates.


Sincerely Yours,

Name withheld by order of Presidential Directive 23-2009-IT


When People Deserve To Be Spied On

Number of requests for government spying operations received by the U.S. Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court last year: 1,789.

Number of requests for government spying operations approved by the U.S. Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court last year: 1,788.

— Source: CNN

And just what in the hell is the U.S. Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court?

— Source: Brad Goins


Request For Information

Can anyone recommend a web site that will tell me what a person should pack for a trip to Guantanamo Bay? I’m thinking goggles, maybe?


The News

Here’s a selection from an actual email that was recently received in the Up Front offices:


Good Afternoon Brad–

Hilton Sandestin Beach Golf Resort & Spa in Destin, Fla. will be attempting to break the world record for most people buried in the sand simultaneously on July 3 at 8:30 am CT …

While the ideal opportunity is to have someone from Lagniappe Magazine visit the resort and cover and/or actually partake in the burying to help us break the record, we will also have b-roll available via FTP (instructions to follow) images and a release with all the details immediately after the event …

Hope to hear from you soon,



I’d love to go and “partake in the burying,” Lauren. Sounds like just really incredible fun. Unfortunately, I’m going to be too busy getting my b-rolls via FTP and instructions-to-follow images for the Kim’s new baby story. By the way, Lauren — you don’t have any idea who Kim is, do you?


If You Can’t Get A Script Out Of This …

I know some people think certain horror movies pretty much lift the entire plot of previous horror movies then try to pass off the result as something new. Take, for example, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 16,012. Didn’t you think that one was pretty derivative?

Anyway, some aspiring script writer should surely be able to wring an original plot out of the CBS headline I read on July 2:

“JoAnn Nichols Found: Remains in wall of home ID’d as NY woman missing since ‘85”

Here’s part of the story that followed:

“A medical examiner in upstate New York says a skeleton found walled-up in a basement full of junk has been identified as a first-grade teacher [JoAnn Nichols] reported missing by her husband more than 27 years ago …

“[Her husband] James Nichols died of natural causes last December at the age of 82. Authorities say a contractor cleaning … debris out of the Nichols home in Poughkeepsie … found the bones in a sealed container behind a false basement wall.”

That script should practically write itself. I’d write it, but I’m already writing the script for the next James Cameron movie because I’ve been promised $15 million cash up for it. I’m a little bummed that Cameron wants me to write an 800-page script. I think 700 should be more than enough.