When the big blast of August heat hit us, the Louisiana police blotter just plain went off the hook. It was so far-out, I can only give you the greatest hits.
Beat ‘Em Where You Find ‘Em
In Baker, La., there sits the aptly named Baker High School. At 7 am on Aug. 14, a 17-year-old male student whose name we don’t know — I’ll call him Anono — was sitting at his desk. And who should appear in the classroom but a 19-year-old female, Bri’antai Morgan, who was dead set on giving Anono a beating he wouldn’t forget.
A group of school staff tried to stop Morgan, and merely got caught up in her aggression as she kept struggling to reach her intended target. A school resource officer (whatever that is) next waded into the tangle and managed to handcuff Morgan. And that, as they say, was that. Morgan was booked on a disturbing the peace beef.
This is the sort of thing you’d think you’d only see in a movie or read in a true crime book. I can imagine two teenagers sitting around, smoking and talking, at 6:45 am.
Morgan: OMG! I just want to beat up Anono so bad! But I can’t ever find him!
Sly Bo: Well, hell. We know he’s in school right now.
Morgan: Damn it! I didn’t think of that. Let’s go.
Because of this raucous incident, the beginning of class was delayed. So the students had the dual pleasure of watching hapless school staff trying to stop a fight and got out of class time while doing it. Maybe there are some good times in high school.
The Potty Mouth Criminal
The Baton Rouge DA is looking into a confrontation between East Baton Rouge Parish School Board member Connie Bernard and some young people who were having a party in a south Baton Rouge home.
Sheriff’s deputies responding to the home issued a misdemeanor summons to Bernard, accusing her of entering and remaining after being forbidden to enter or remain. That sounds a little like trespassing to me. But I advise you that I’m not a lawyer.
According to the Baton Rouge Daily Advocate, Bernard’s angry speech to the offending youths in the house “included a string of eight F-bombs in one 22-second stretch.” Damn, son! I’m sure Eddie Murphy never managed that. Joe Pesci might, maybe, have equaled that in some Martin Scorsese movie. But I have my doubts as to whether even Pesci and Scorsese ever managed to drop eight in 22 seconds. (It’s a little hard to be sure. In the desert conversation in Casino, Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro drop a total of 21 F-bombs. But that scene lasts a total of 2 minutes, 21 seconds. What is it in Bernard’s DNA that enables her to curse as fast as Joe Pesci?)
Louisiana politicians just cannot grasp the basic concept that people carry cellphones and use them to tape stuff. One partygoer taped Bernard “grasping one young man at the base of his neck.” Deputies apparently didn’t give her any citation for that act.
On the tape, viewers can hear Bernard saying, “I didn’t touch anybody, you f****** bastard.”
Bernard had barely stopped cussing before she started back-tracking. When the deputies arrived on the scene, she told them she went to the home, which is down the street from her own home, after she heard some loud noises. She said she knocked on the door before she went in and that she knows the owners of the home, whom she called “close personal friends.”
That’s a little weird. I’ve never called anybody a “close personal friend” after I cussed him out. Oh, wait a second. I’ve never cussed anybody out.
Apparently, she also went inside the residence “to investigate and take pictures.” Say what? Does the EBR pay so little that Bernard has to take up FBI work to pay the bills?
Bernard “apologized to a degree,” said The Advocate. The written apology she released to the press stated, “specifically, I would like to apologize for my language heard in that incident.” She went on to say, “I hope everyone understands that I am not able to comment any further on this incident.” Well, for what it’s worth, I don’t understand it. But Bernard will never know and I will never care.
Being a politician, she had the nerve to “ask for your prayers and support” in her “apology.” Well, that’s awfully petty. But hey, Little Miss Sunshine, I’d sign up for those anger management lessons before I got to the praying — if you do get to it. Time’s a wastin’ on the anger front, sugar bear.
Bernard went on to state, “I will continue to work to maintain your trust and respect.” She’s got her work cut out for her.
Of course, Bernard has no intention of resigning. Why would she? She just ran for reelection without opposition. Besides, she wouldn’t be the sort of person who would run for school board if she’d let herself be broken because she broke out in a vulgar tirade over a trivial matter.
Some constituents want Bernard gone. But … “I am not aware of any provision of law that allows a school board to unilaterally remove a colleague,” said Domoine Rutledge, general counsel for the La. school system. Louisiana law stipulates that even if a politician is convicted of a felony, that politician can remain in office until all his or her appeals are over. Even after the last appeal, the politician can still stay in office until the DA comes to his office and removes him. Nobody with virgin ears should try to remove Bernard.
Best Bar Name Ever
I’m sure that back in my wandering days, I went to some taverns with some pretty great names. Unfortunately, I can no longer remember those names.
Still, I sincerely wonder whether I ever encountered a name as top-notch as the Lake Area’s new Granger’s Gator Hog Saloon. I can only wish that I was creative enough to think of that compelling a name for a watering hole in my imaginary SE Texas town of Wagon Rut.
I couldn’t have been more pleased that I had no idea what a Gator Hog is. When I saw the saloon’s logo, I realized the mythical creature really was a combination of a gator and a wild hog.
The likes of Steve Riley and Jamie Bergeron have played at this place. And one satisfied customer posted on Facebook that he and his wife had spent a happy night listening to honky tonk music there.
I don’t have a clear idea of where the place is, but I can tell from the map on the Facebook page that it’s a couple blocks east of Old Highway 171 North and about the same distance north of Fitzenreiter Road. Yelp gives the address as 2636 Highway 3059 Old Town Road and lets you link with Google maps. The place has three Yelp reviews so far; all are five-star. Strong points cited are the friendliness of the staff and the smoke-free atmosphere. There’s a covered deck outside for smokers.
Yet More Aging Minstrels
If you’re not getting to watch enough old guys who had hits 30 or 40 years ago in Lake Charles, you can always head out to the Gretna Fest to see Foreigner, the Village People and Tone Loc on Sept. 28-30.
I know without even looking it up that several of the original members of these acts are long since dead. So, as is usually the case with this sort of entertainment, it’s a matter of “buyer beware.” Make sure that the act that you’re actually going to hear is the act you actually want to hear.
On the up side, the Village People are bound to put on a pretty entertaining show. And Tone Loc may wind up putting on a pretty dramatic one. Tone Loc, who has not charted since 1991, has collapsed on stage at least six times since 2008, most likely because of a tendency to seizures. It is said he wears his dark sunglasses to reduce the chances of having one.
What Is It With Summer In Louisiana?
On Aug. 14, Dave Nussbaum, a meteorologist for WWL-TV in New Orleans, posted this Tweet: “UGH! More oppressive heat today with high temps in the mid 90s and the heat index around 105+. Where is Fall??” What kind of Louisiana meteorologist asks where Fall is on Aug. 14? I don’t think I asked anybody anything when I used to shovel snow in Illinois in the middle of February. But if I had asked a question, it definitely would not have been “Where is Summer?”
The Lowdown On Dog Dating
I really misunderstood this recent headline in Silicon Bay News (a coastal Louisiana business blog): “NEW ORLEANS DOG DATING APP STARTUP DIG SELECTED FOR PURINA SHOWCASE.”
Questions popped into my head immediately. “Do dogs date?” “How do dogs date?” “Can people help dogs date?”
I was at a loss. I’ve spent many years around dogs. But I wasn’t able to remember ever seeing any dogs dating. (I did once see a dog try to do something that my father called “romance.” It didn’t look like romance to me.)
I was sure embarrassed when I started reading the article, which was about “New Orleans-based Dig, a mobile dating app for dog lovers.” Oh … I get it. These people want the dog lovers to date each other.
I learned that his new app is so sensational that it’s being considered for Purina’s Pet Care Innovation Prize. (Why does the Purina Corp. care whether dog owners date each other? You don’t need to answer.)
“We’re proud to be recognized as an emerging player in this exciting market,” said Dig CEO Leigh Isaacson. So, dating dog lovers don’t just make up a market; they make up an exciting market. But I guess that’s not all that surprising, since, according to Isaacson, since Dig was introduced in Chicago and Boston, “the dog and singles communities in both cities have been incredibly enthusiastic and welcoming.” Can everybody feel the excitement and enthusiasm and welcoming and incredibility in the air? I used to read the outrageously raunchy personals section in Chicago’s Reader. But I never read anything in it about owning a dog.
I would never make an entrepreneur. I’d always be thinking, “Nobody could ever make money with an idea this loopy.” If I had the money, though, I would go so far as to make a T-shirt that bore the slogan I HAVE A DOG. DATE ME. But probably somebody’s already done that.
Yet People Always Talk About The Weather
Recently noted: “The Advocate’s Steve Hardy, David Mitchell and Caroline Grueskin report that subdivisions are still being built in flood-prone areas, with little or no disregard for the potential consequences.”
“Little or no disregard.” I’m not going to interpret that phrase as meaning that the real estate investors have a high regard for the risks of flooding. I’m going to interpret the phrase as meaning the investors still believe in the old adage “Never give a sucker an even break.” They have little or no regard for the sucker.
I’m A Little Afraid Of The Unknown
An ad for the Bespoke Post Co. on Pinterest features a blurb about the company from My Subscription Addiction, which called Bespoke, “The best men’s lifestyle box.” Ah ha! So there’s more than one men’s lifestyle box. Question. What’s a men’s lifestyle box?
“Ever wondered how and why to use Tweet threads?” — Tweet from Twitter Business, Aug. 9.
Underwater photos that will take your breath away.
— No. 7 headline on MSN News, Aug. 15.