If you’re already shopping for your 2018 calendar, Metro News recommends you don’t overlook the Carponizer Carp Calendar, which features “12 beautiful carps with attractive women. On high quality paper.” Hendrik Pohler, 28, the calendar’s creator, was struck with the idea when he was fishing with a friend “and at the spot next to us were two hot girls fishing,” he told Maxim, which described the models as having “stiff, pained expressions.”
Aliens Got Me Drunk And Confused
On Oct. 2, police of Casper, Wy., responded to a call about a man warning citizens of an alien invasion coming next year. KTWO Radio in Casper reported that Bryant Johnson told police he had traveled back in time from 2048. He explained that the aliens filled his body with alcohol and had him stand on a giant pad that transported him back to 2017 — although he was supposed to arrive in 2018. He also asked to speak with the “president of the town.” Instead, Bryant was arrested for public intoxication.
Donkey Eats Cars
The owners of a mischievous ass in Vogelsberg, Hesse, Germany, have been ordered to pay for damages after Vitus the donkey apparently mistook an orange McLaren Spider sports car for a carrot. When Markus Zahn left his $411,000 car parked next to a paddock on Sept. 16, 2016, he returned to find that Vitus had nibbled on its paint to the tune of almost $7,000 in damage. “The donkey had insurance, but the insurance didn’t want to pay,” Zahn told the BBC. Vitus’s rap sheet also includes biting a Mercedes.
Note: A Panda Head Is Not A Helmet
Minnesota State Police nabbed a motorcycle rider who was weaving in and out of traffic and performing stunts on Interstate 394, all while wearing a panda suit, complete with an oversize animal head. The rider told police the panda suit was meant to help his motorcycle videos “go viral.” But police responded with a citation for reckless driving, and confiscated the panda head. “A panda head will not protect you in a crash like a DOT-approved helmet would,” police advised on their Facebook page.
Please Keep The Ball On The Field
In Romania, it takes more than foul weather or a damaged field to stop football. On Sept. 24, a match between Bistrita Brosteni and Vanatorul Dorna Candrenilor was abandoned just 58 minutes in after all the teams’ balls ended up in the nearby Bistrita River, according to the Hindustan Times. Bistrita was winning 2-0 when they ran out of balls. Fans suggested they might find the balls at the Bicaz dam nearby.
Do Not Eat!
Doctors thought a 47-year-old postman in Preston, Lancashire, England, who complained of a persistent cough, might have cancer, as he was a long-term smoker whose X-rays showed a spot on his lung. But when they removed the mass, the BBC reported, they found the “long-lost Playmobil traffic cone” the patient had received as a gift on his seventh birthday. He told doctors he had regularly swallowed the small pieces as a child and believed he had inhaled the tiny cone. Happy ending: After the toy was removed, the man’s cough almost disappeared and his other symptoms improved.
Patrick Joseph Adams, Jr., 36, of Great Falls, Mont., pulled a mammoth heist when he convinced two male friends and his girlfriend to help him “move out” of a house that wasn’t his. One of the friends was suspicious when he saw a wall in the home dedicated to military service. That friend left before the move was complete. But the rest of the group loaded $40,000 worth of belongings into a U-Haul. Later that evening, the homeowner of the burglarized house called police and reported the theft. Through U-Haul records, police were able to track Adams down. He was charged with burglary and criminal mischief.
People Different From Us
— Mermaid Aries, 18, of Bromsgrove, Worcestershire, England, likes to wear her specially made mermaid tail when she swims at local pools. But the Dolphin Centre in Bromsgrove has banned her from using the flipper because “they worry I might hit someone with my tail or might get into trouble in the water and drown,” Aries (real name Leia Trigger) told the Worcester News, “it is my ambition to become a professional mermaid that attends children’s parties and other events. The only problem is that I have nowhere to swim.” After the story made headlines, the Perdiswell Leisure Centre stepped up. Aquatic development officer Vanessa Bale welcomed Aries to the pool, offering her “early mornings and late evenings.” Aries was thrilled: “I am absolutely ecstatic. I never thought I’d be able to swim with my tail ever again.”
— An anonymous bidder in the United States has purchased a pair of Adolf Hitler’s boxer-style underwear for $6,700, according to auctioneer Bill Panagopoulos of Alexander Historical Auctions in Chesapeake City, Md. The drawers, with a size 39 waist and “A.H.” embroidered on them, were left in the Parkhotel Graz in Austria in 1938. The seller was the grandson of the people who owned the hotel at that time. Panagopulos supposes the buyer will frame the underwear and hang them on a wall: “It would be the most talked-about relic in the house.”
The Farce Is Strong
A black-and-white photo depicting the signing of the Charter of the United Nations in San Francisco in 1945 has prompted the recall and reprinting of Saudi social studies textbooks because it pictures Saudi King Faisal seated next to the Jedi master Yoda. The photograph was created by 26-year-old Saudi artist Abdullah Al Shehri, who mixes pop culture icons into historic photographs. Shehri told The New York Times in September he inserted Yoda into the photo because he reminded him of the king. “He was wise and was always strong in his speeches,” Shehri said. “I am the one who designed it, but I am not the one who put it in the book,” he clarified. Saudi education minister Ahmed al-Eissa apologized for the mistake, but the mystery of how the photo got into the book remains unsolved.
It’s Good To Have Goals
Octogenarians Ray and Wilma Yoder of Goshen, Ind., have finally achieved a goal they set nearly 40 years ago: to visit every Cracker Barrel location in the United States. On Aug. 31, they checked off the last of 645 stops in Tualatin, Ore., where they each received a Four-Star apron, the company’s highest honor. The Yoders once stopped at 10 Cracker Barrels in one day as they traveled up the East Coast. “I’ve always walked away feeling refreshed,” Ray Yoder told ABC News. “For two old people, we’re pretty fast moving.”
— The Detroit Red Wings’ new promotion commemorates the Joe Louis Arena, where the team played until this year, when they moved to a new rink. The Detroit News reported that fans who want to keep the old home ice close to their hearts and contribute to the team’s foundation can buy a small vial of limited edition “melted ice” taken from the arena’s surface for $85. Only 3,000 vials have been produced; they are accompanied by a framed photo of The Joe.
— Police in Cumbria County, England, responded to a call for help from 3,210-foot Scafell Pike (England’s highest mountain), where four men ran into trouble while hiking. However, their problems didn’t stem from dehydration or a painful fall. Instead, it seems the group had become “incapable of walking due to cannabis use,” police told The Guardian. A police spokesperson wrote on Facebook: “Now having to deploy rescue, air support and ambulance to rescue them. Words fail us …” Cumbria police superintendent Justin Bibby reminded hikers that “alcohol or any other substance that could impair your judgment … has no place on a mountain.”
The Passing Parade
South Western Railway in England took over for South West Trains in August. In its first six weeks, the new railway collected more than 10,000 items left behind on trains. These included an inflatable shark, an ironing board, a barrister’s wig, false teeth, a leather chair and hundreds of jackets. The BBC reported that lost property manager Michael Pugh is beseeching riders to check their seats before leaving the train.
The manager at Rally’s restaurant in Henderson, Ken., was busy preparing for the day’s business when a man dressed in a Coca-Cola bottle costume robbed him at gunpoint, stealing more than $500. The human Coke bottle then left the restaurant without hurting the manager and headed north in a gray minivan, according to WFIE-TV.