The King James Kid

Pierre Fontenot Wednesday, September 20, 2017 Comments Off on The King James Kid
The King James Kid

In The Beginning he was born.  From a child, the world didst make common sense unto him as it had for his father and his father before him.  Parents didst name their children Robert and many were the Bobs.  Fathers didst go oft and earn their daily bread and yea, bring home the bacon also.  Mothers didst stay home to tend the home fires and be about the raising of the above average offspring.  And tho the marriage be like unto standing each upon a mound of fire ants, they didst not split the sheets.

In every home there were many Bibles, one each for the children, and the parents didst have one also, and many were the homes where there dwelt upon the piano none did play Bibles of old, with flowers pressed between the pages and names of those gone by.

In the abodes of Baptists and Methodists, Catholics and Church of Christ, Pentecostals and Presbyterians, all the black books were of one accord, written in the King James Version.  And all the people, the aged and the youth, didst read John 3:16 in the same tongue, and all of the people looked upon this and they sayeth, It is good for us, as it has been for our fathers and their fathers before them.

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No matter what iniquity they didst do during the week, on Sabbath Eve the children didst take a bath, and the mother didst check behind the ears, and sayeth unto her sons, Thou shalt not looketh like Pig Pen of the Peanuts cartoon strip in the House of the Lord.

They arriveth at the House of the Lord attired in their finest rainment, out of respect for the synagogue and so as to not look like poor white trash to others in the congregation.  The men wore not their wedding and funeral suit, but didst weareth the other suit, with a white shirt pressed hot with an iron, a ribbon of fabric around their neck that didst dangle towards their loins, and shoes, cleaned with a damp rag from the sink when their wife was not around to see them defile the kitchen.

The women didst make pains to show respect to the house of the Lord.  They didst tease and brush and spray mists unto their hair, and did don hosiery and tasteful baubles that said Good Mother Good Wife and left home the baubles that seemeth more Come Hither and Hot to Trot.

The preachers didst love the sound of their voice, and the children didst squirm, for the long sermons spoke often of Hell hot and Eternity long.  Among mothers there was much shushing and pointing of the finger that didst mean business and giving of the Don’t Make Me Go Grab A Switch looks.

Yet likewise they were united in one sacred text, all sharing the same words, and the book of Genesis did begin with the words In The Beginning and for generations the followers of Christ didst heed the words to change neither jot not tittle.

Little knowest they, that verily Beginnings are not Endings, how things would change, in what seemeth the twinkling of an eye.

The King James Kid Is Counseled By His Friend

“Why art thy eyes downcast, King James Kid, and why hath thou a countenance like unto a chewer of lemons?”  And the King James Kid didst answer his friend, “Friend,” he sayeth, “Must I die to hear Amazing Grace in the House of the Lord again?”

Heads they did shake, for verily it was no longer as it had been, when in the days of youth there was no need to open the hymnals, for verily, all but those known as Easter Christians knew the songs by heart, and Amazing Grace was sung every third Sunday.  Now it was sung only at funerals, or when the old people didst stir up a fuss, and the young ones in charge of the synagogue didst throw them a bone so they would keep tithing.

“Once it was Sister Ida upon the piano, plunking a joyful noise,” sayeth the King James Kid, “and now haveth they drums and trumpets and instruments much accustomed to honky tonks and smoke filled bars.”

His friend sayeth, “The music is now like unto Play That Funky Music White Boy.”  Then he sayeth, “And the way they do dress…”

The King James Kid was sore afraid, at things he hath seen, that God would strike the church with bolts of lightning, “the children of my children doth wear flip flops and shorts on Easter Sunday!” he sayeth.  “The men picking up the offering oft look as though they were recently mowers of grass and wielders of chain saws.  Yea, even the preacher doth oft dress like unto men doing honey do’s they wish not to do.”

They were of one accord about the new translations of the Bible.  “No longer do the prophets say Hereunto, no longer do the Apostles say Beseech, and no more do I hear the Savior say Verily.”

And the King James Kid sayeth, “The new translations maketh the Apostle Paul sound like someone who maketh small talk with the mail man, and Father Abraham doth sound like someone waiting in the ten items or less aisle at the market known as WalMart.”

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This edition of Uncle P’s Bedtime Stories is brought to you by Eighty-one, where it’s not the change so much as the speed thereof…and for those who didst find merriment in this story ye may find such and more in the verse to follow…

“I didst avert my eyes,” sayeth the King James Kid, “at a woman who did willfully flash ample cleavage in the house of the Lord.”  His friends eyes were downcast and he didst confess, “The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak, and I didst not avert my eyes, but instead looked lo, and behold, there they were, bosoms of great distraction.”

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