In the last couple of weeks, if you got tired of reading about Les Miles’ firing or the race for David Vitter’s seat or a flock of high school football games, you could always read about The Great Louisiana Scary Clown Epidemic of 2016 (soon to become The Great Louisiana Scary Clown Epidemic of 2017).
Turns out there’s more going on in Jennings than people getting murdered and boarding up storefront windows. In fact, sleepy little Jennings was surprised the other day to find it was more important than was widely thought. It was so important, in fact, that the scary clown phenomenon spread to Jennings.
Sort of. More or less.
When the Up Fronter read the American Press story on the matter, he learned that what had happened was that one man in a clown suit had been sighted in Jennings.
I’m going to tell you what Jennings Police Chief Danny Semmes said about the clown sighting. But first I’m issuing a “trigger warning.” The language you’re about to read is graphic, shocking and disturbing. You may want to ask young children to leave the room before you read it.
Here’s what Semmes said:
“The officer encountered a guy driving down the road and stopped him for a vehicle violation. The guy was fully dressed as a clown without the mask.”
Well, I hope I didn’t make any of you lose your lunch there.
The American Press headline — “Nationwide clown scare hits Jennings” — was a bit more dramatic and sensationalistic than it needed to be. In what way was the thing that happened in Jennings a “scare”? It was one guy driving one car down one street in Jennings. That was the story. The entire story. Nobody got shot; nobody got hurt. Fact of business, it sounds like nobody got scared.
New Orleans’ WWL-TV ran a story with even more dramatic language than that used by the Press. “It seems that everywhere you turn, there is a report about another creepy clown sighting.”
Everywhere I turn? Everywhere? How about we forget “everywhere” for a second and you tell me just one place in New Orleans where I can “turn” and see a creepy clown?
The only thing of substance in the story was a quotation from St. John Parish Sheriff Tregre: “We’ve had two calls of clown sightings. Of course, when we got there we didn’t find anyone, and it’s time-consuming. We don’t take it lightly.”
Well, I’m sure no one likes to go to the site of a report and find no one there. But that’s going to happen until everybody decides to start hanging around until police cars show up.
Just for the record, it is illegal for people in Louisiana to wear masks except on Halloween, during Mardi Gras or at masquerade events. No lie. So if you’re keen on following the law, just say no to masks. It won’t be a problem for me, as I’ve never experienced the desire to wear one.
In the Jennings story, Sheriff Semmes amped up the drama factor when he said that scary clowns at football games were “terrorizing … young children.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up a second there, pardner! In what way were these alleged clowns “terrorizing” children? Exactly what were they doing to the children? How were their actions terroristic? Is there any documentation of this terrorizing; any cell phone recordings or security camera footage?
These early reports of the Great Louisiana Scary Clown epidemic have much smoke; little fire. If you’re like me, you keep thinking of two phrases: “mass hysteria” and “urban myth.”
Before people start convincing themselves they’re going to be “scared” by the sight of human beings dressed as clowns, they should think over some basic questions. Is there really a massive number of people dressing as clowns or is there, in fact, just a small number of eccentrics and crowd-pleasers doing it? Are these clown people trying to give people bad scares or are they just doing this thing because they’ve heard other people are doing it? Just how would a clown costume made in 2016 be qualitatively more frightening than a clown costume made in preceding years or centuries?
These are all questions that should but won’t be asked by people who’ve suddenly become certain that they’re deathly afraid of clown costumes or that clown costumes pose horrible dangers. Of course, if you ever want to determine whether something is an urban myth, you can go to Snopes.com and check it out.
Judges Still Don’t Get Louisiana Law
Now that I’ve started writing about the stripper age crisis in New Orleans, I’m going to have to write about new developments in the case.
A federal judge put the kobish on the Louisiana Legislature’s new law that strippers in Louisiana must be 21 or older. As of the judge’s Sept. 30 order, they can be as young as 18. The judge gave only one reason for his decision: three dancers, he said, had “demonstrated a risk of irreparable injury … in lost income” because of the law.
Of course the Louisiana gubment can, if it wants to, spend taxpayer money to appeal the judge’s decision. In this case it looks as if the gubmental body in question would be the Louisiana Office of Alcohol and Tobacco Control — the group that one naturally associates with the dance.
As in many cases in which loopy laws from the Louisiana Legislature are challenged in court, the defendants in this case were all named “Jane Doe.”
What’s More Important Than Strippers?
When the Legislation is next in session, will it have anything more important than the age of strippers to concern itself with? Possibly. The Louisiana Budget Project has reported that come July 1, 2017, the state will lose $1.3 million in temporary taxes passed by the last Legislature.
So, what could the Legislature do to compensate for the loss in tax revenue? Well, I think the most reasonable thing to do would be to talk a whole lot about how crucial it is to cut state spending, then refrain from making cuts.
Is there stuff that could be cut? Well, I don’t know. But I can tell you about a couple of state spending decisions that were reported in the same release from the Budget Project. First, Louisiana awarded a $25 million loan to get a Six Flags in New Orleans. This Six Flags is now closed. But the state still spends $2.2 million a year on the loan.
More recently, the state contributed $38 million to the production of the Hollywood movie Deepwater Horizon.
Of course, it’s too late to do anything about those two spending choices. But there’s a world of spending yet to come.
Wish I’d Known
I wish I’d known sooner that Sarah Silverman was performing in New Orleans. She took the stage at the Saenger Theatre on Oct. 16.
It was the big wrap-up for the Crescent City’s 11-day Hell Yes! Fest, which is a celebration of stand-up, sketch and improv comedy. In spite of a few unfortunate cancellations, 11 national comedians made it to the show.
One of these was Nick Swardson, a hilarious stand-up man who’s been in lots of movies. He plays the psycho fan stalker in Blades of Glory. (Be sure to sit through the credits on that one; if you don’t, you’ll miss the spectacle of Swardson putting on a play with action figures of Will Ferrell and Jon Heder. It’s one of the funniest gags in the movie.)
Other big names on the bill were Hasan Minhaj, Fortune Feimster and Arpana Nancherla.
The whole thing was organized and sponsored by The New Movement, a “comedy incubator” with headquarters in N.O. (2706 St. Claude Ave.) and Austin (616 LaVaca St.).
The N.O. venue has at least one show most nights of the week. “Greetings from Queer Mountain” is one of four shows slated for Nov. 11. And “Stoned Vs. Drunk Vs. Sober” is the second show on Nov. 25. The venue also offers classes and seminars in comedy. Visit newmovementtheater.com.
The Funnies
[Ted Striker, who has just boarded an airplane, has a phobia of flying.]
Old Lady: Nervous?
Ted Striker: Yes.
Old Lady: First time?
Striker: No, I’ve been nervous lots of times.
Rumack (Leslie Nielsen, speaking to flight attendant): You’d better tell the captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.
Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Captain Oveur: I can’t tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I’m a doctor.
Oveur: No, I mean I’m just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can’t you take a guess?
Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can’t take a guess for another two hours?
— Airplane!, dir. Zucker bros., 1980
The News
“Milky Way or Mr. Goodbar? Twizzlers or Jolly Ranchers? We hope your sweet tooth can handle it … the 2016 Candy Smackdown starts tomorrow!”
The above Tweet was posted on Oct. 4 by at least three Louisiana newspapers: The Advocate, The Shreveport Times and The Monroe News-Star. All three Tweets included graphics that implored readers to “Cast your first-round votes this Wednesday [Oct. 5].” The graphics came from the USA Today newspaper.
Rather than ask what newspaper readers’ favorite candy is — I mean, who cares, right? — I think it would be more fun to ask what company might be behind such a big promotion. Could it be the Hershey Co., which manufactures Mr. Goodbar? Or maybe it’s the Hershey Co., which manufactures Twizzlers. Or possibly it’s even the Hershey Co., which manufactures Jolly Ranchers.
In 2015, Confectionary News reported that four companies — Hershey, Mars, Lindt and Nestle — accounted for 71 percent of the candy sold in the U.S. But as big as that percentage sounds, it was a dropping percentage. Said the News, “The top four U.S. candy manufacturers are growing at slower rates than smaller companies that are able to bring new products to market quicker.”
If the big boys are losing their lock on the market share of candy, you may see even sillier candy promotions in the years to come. Just remember — it’s not a waste of space because it’s news.
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