Up In Smoke

Dale Archer, M.D. Wednesday, May 4, 2016 Comments Off on Up In Smoke
Up In Smoke

Dear Dr. Archer, 

My husband, our two children (ages 11 and 6) and I moved to Canada in 2004. The life we left is totally different from the life we have today. We don’t have family; have few friends; and have nothing to do aside from work and home activities.

My husband started his substance use by smoking marijuana occasionally. He’d roll and smoke twice a day, costing $20 a week. I didn’t say anything, because he’s a good father to the children. 

Later, I began to notice if he didn’t smoke on any day for whatever reason, he’d have a different attitude, easily get upset, be ready to fight and become a miserable person.

As a truck driver, my husband had to take a mandatory blood test. The results were positive, and he lost his job. Needless to say, he was upset and stopped smoking for a while. Eventually, he got a better job. 

Now he’s started smoking again. Every time I see him smoke, I get very angry. We argue, fight and shout, hurting each other’s feelings.

He never smokes in front of our children. But I told him all the smoking must stop. I told him not to push me to make him choose between me and the children and his smoking pot. He told me he can stop any time he wants and will smoke any time he wants. 

I told him if he didn’t quit, the children and I would leave or report him to children’s services so he won’t be able to get near them. He promised he would stop, and did for five days. Then he had four days off and began to smoke again. 

I asked him why he started again, and he said he just got a small amount because he knew it would be a long weekend and we didn’t have any plans. I told him that proved he was already addicted and couldn’t stop. He got angry, saying he wasn’t doing anything bad to the children or me. He also said he would stop when he was ready, and that I should be understanding and chill out. 

I’m confused. I don’t know if I need to leave because he’s not doing anything harmful to the children. I’m tired of asking him to quit knowing he doesn’t heed my requests. I want to do something to make him stop, but at the same time, I know it won’t work.

Maria

 

Dear Maria,

Your husband’s marijuana smoking is a serious issue that is threatening the marriage. He lost one job because of it, and he’s going to lose another soon if he doesn’t get help. A daily pot smoker can test positive for a month after he stops smoking, so there’s no way he will continue to pass the random tests required by most trucking companies.

It sounds as if the marriage is OK when marijuana isn’t involved. Yet your husband doesn’t think he has a problem.

So, here’s the compromise: Ask him to go six months without smoking any pot at all. If he can voluntarily stop using for that length of time, he is probably in control and doesn’t have an addiction. At that point, agree on some rules about when he can and can’t smoke (around the kids, relatives, etc.) and stop harping about it.

But if he can’t go six months, then he more than likely has an addiction. I bet he won’t even try to go six months- saying, “I can quit whenever I want.” Red flag!

Then, you have a decision to make, and it may be time for an ultimatum — either you or the weed. But only give the ultimatum if you plan to carry it through.

As for the children, the longer this continues, the greater the chance they will learn that dad smokes. We think we can keep things from kids, but they see plenty, and they’re smarter than we think. Children learn by example, and it would be hard to forbid teenagers to smoke pot while one is puffing on a joint.

In the end, only you can decide how you want to live your life. If the smoking is simply too much, then tell him one more time that it’s the pot or his family. But this time, don’t make idle threats simply to get your way. It didn’t work in the past, and it won’t work again. If you give an ultimatum, you need to make sure you follow through. Good luck.

Dr. Archer

Dear Dr. Archer,

My husband is addicted to heroin. He finally went to a doctor for help. He wanted a prescription for Suboxone to help him overcome his addiction. He was not given the prescription, but rather was told he could continue to use heroin! My question is, is this ethical?

Angel

 

Dear Angel,

The Hippocratic oath, recited by every physician before they become a doctor, contains the phrase “First, do no harm.” If this doctor actually told your husband to continue using heroin, then he should be reported to the state medical board — now. You can search your region online for other Suboxone prescribers to help your husband with his addiction.

Suboxone works wonders; don’t give up looking for help. Good luck.

Dr. Archer

Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and the author of The ADHD Advantage and the New York Times’ bestselling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.

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