GET OUT OF THERE

Dear Dr. Archer,
I am 27 years old. My life is a mess, and I’m trying to reach out for help.
I attended high school in a very small town, and it was the start of major bullying. I had to cope and deal with it as a little boy, because my father left our family, and my mom had severe mental illness. In fact, my mother’s mental illness is still an issue.
During high school, I had the big blessing of having a wonderful counselor, who was like a big sister to me. I was so grateful she was in my life, as well as my guidance counselor, who helped me so much over the next four years.
I left my job at the end of last year because I couldn’t take it anymore. I found myself working around cliquish employees and management; I was being made fun of, and could not find support anywhere. I was having extreme fears, severe anxiety, and severe OCD about many things, all at once.
This has completely taken over my life, and never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be suffering in such a manner.
Things from my past rushed to the surface, and suddenly everything was out in the open. Things I had kept to myself, things I had been ashamed of for so many years, plus sexual feelings, were coming out. I had never dealt with drugs, alcohol or smoking. I had to move out of my mom’s house, because her new husband wanted me to move out. Instead of taking up for me, she went along with him.
I was extremely hurt, because I had always been by her side growing up, especially since dad wasn’t around.
Despite this very sad and lonely time, I still have hope and faith that I will make it out of this and get healthy again.
I was always full of life, out-going, social, and had many interests. I don’t want to have severe irrational fears, germ phobia, and anxiety anymore. I pray this will leave me, but I understand it will take hard work on my end, and I’m willing to do that. I just need help.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
Zack

Dear Zack:
As I read your letter, I was aware of your sense of hopelessness. Your struggle to overcome those early childhood rejections has been re-created in your adult life. But you end your letter by recognizing that you still have hope and faith, and that is the source of your ability to eventually overcome a lifetime of rejection and self-doubt.
I congratulate you on staying away from drugs and alcohol. That tells me you’re stronger than you realize. Many use these as crutches, although they only bury and often enhance problems, not solve them.
I sense you have better relationships with women than with men. You have had success with female counselors who were nurturing and supportive, rather than judgmental. Not all counselors are alike.
My advice is that you need to get back into therapy with a female counselor. That seemed to help you so much when you were younger, so why not resume the one thing you know will help?
We’ve all done things we’re ashamed of — you, me, him, her and them. Everyone. Reconsider the weight you have placed on yourself. By talking with someone who is trained to guide you through your past, you will free yourself of your burdens. Eventually, you will need to be your own counselor. Not now, but eventually.
Being a stranger in a big city is very challenging, especially if you don’t have a thick skin. Find non-judgmental friends, and a place where the lifestyle and values fit your needs and personality. You may not be cut out for big city life, but don’t make any major decisions until you resume therapy. Good luck.

Dear Dr. Archer,
I have been married for 31 years to a man I believe has deep-rooted issues that haunt him. He’s the product of a dysfunctional family. He has been smoking marijuana since age 14, and perhaps he’s using other substances, as well.
Earlier in our marriage, if we would disagree on something while he was driving, he’d intentionally swerve our car, threatening to kill himself, our children and me. If I were sleeping, he’d kick me awake. He has mooned my uncle, and has had episodes of sleepwalking, running into walls and furniture.
I think he suffered from some kind of abuse in the past, and tries to suppress it by smoking pot three to six times per day, every day. I have tried talking to him about it, but he gets angry and threatening. But a month ago, he told me something very disturbing.
He found out his mother was either molested by or participated in an incestuous relationship with her brother when she was 13, and as a result conceived his older brother. This brother died without knowing the identity of his father. Two weeks ago, he also found out another brother molested his niece.
Now, I wonder if he may have been abused in some way. He hates everyone, including his mom, sisters and brothers.
He told me at the beginning of our marriage that he had no family. I’ve always thought his pot smoking was to bury something within his mind. The years of usage has fried brain cells, and the rage and moodiness have all taken a toll on me emotionally.
My family thinks I’ve stayed out of pity, not love. He treats me like crap. Something is eating at him, and it’s taken years off my life. A childhood friend of my husband suspects my husband is bisexual. To be perfectly honest, I’ve thought the same thing.
My husband acts like he is miserable in our marriage, but when I tell him I want to leave, he threatens my life, and goes into fits of rage, throwing cell phones and furniture at me.
My question is, if he is confused about his sexuality and so unhappy, why does he put up a big fight and threaten me with bodily harm when I ask to leave?
Cassandra

Dear Cassandra,
You’re married to an abuser, and the simple answer as to why he does what he does is that it’s about his power and control over you. As you see, he will do or say anything to maintain that power.
Driving erratically, throwing objects, physical harm, and threatening your life are all forms of abuse. Whether he was abused as a child, whether or not he has a marijuana addiction, or whether he’s bisexual has nothing to do with any of this. He should be in control of himself — no excuses.
Quit with the threats, and take action. You say you want to leave? Great! You’ve been living with abuse for 31 years, and that’s 31 years too many. There’s a saying, “It’s hard to look for the light when you’re lost in darkness.” You can step out of the darkness, and now is the time.
Make arrangements to get out of there. Contact your area women’s shelter, and let them know of your plans to leave. You’ll not only get information and suggestions from them, but you’ll also have a record of what you’ve been dealing with.
Get your essential things out of the house, and into a family member or friend’s home. Gather money together — as much as you can, without raising suspicion. Seek the counsel of a good divorce attorney, and form a plan. The day you leave, go to the police or the women’s shelter, and get a restraining order. If he breaks it, which he almost certainly will, call the police immediately.
Be smart, and put your well-laid plan into action. His threats of death are most likely a scare tactic to keep you there. It’s a ploy used by most abusers, but you can’t be sure he won’t try to carry them out.
Don’t fall for his threats. Add those years back to your life, and do what’s best for you and your son. Leave, and start a new and better life for the two of you.

Dr. Dale Archer is a board certified psychiatrist who founded the Institute for Neuropsychiatry in Southwest Louisiana. He is a frequent guest on Fox News, CNN Headline News and other national TV programs, and the author of The ADHD Advantage and the New York Times bestselling book Better than Normal. Visit him at DrDaleArcher.com.