Once Upon An Apocalypse In N.Y.

Brad Goins Thursday, December 18, 2014 0
Once Upon An Apocalypse In N.Y.

Scene 1.  Paleontologist Joe addresses the U.N.

 

PJoe: Our study found that global warming from natural causes caused an ice age to come and go over North America 10,000 years ago. To stop that from happening again, we need to get on board with the Kyoto Agreement.

U.S. Vice President Joe Vader: Dr. Joe, do you realize that if we implement the terms of the Kyoto Agreement, it will cost the corporations that give the best people the best job billions of dollars?

PJ: Do you realize that if there’s another ice age all the people in the high-rise offices of those corporations will freeze to death?

Vader: And when is all this supposed to happen?

PJ: If we don’t drastically reduce emissions immediately, this could happen in as few as 1,000 years.

Audience bursts into laughter.

Scene 2.   

Attractive Female Graduate Assistant works with PJoe in his Philadelphia lab.

 

Attractive Female: Dr. Joe, I’ve been analyzing your data, and uh, sir, I’m really sorry, but, uh, well, sir (summoning her courage) … I think you made a mistake.

PJoe: Really? What is it?

Attractive Girl: well, you said the new ice age was coming in 1,000 years. Instead of a thousand, I get 6 to 8.

P.J. You mean 6 to 8 hundred years?

Attractive Girl: No, I mean 6 to 8 days.

P.J. Oh, great. So much for me going to Burning Man. How did I make the mistake?

Attractive Girl: You used a minus sign when you should have used a plus sign.

P.J. Not again!

 

Scene 3. 

Three young people are attending the Smart High School Students Contest in New York City. One is Shy Male, son of Dr. Paleontologist Joe.

 

Preppy Son: Look, Shy Male. You know what you have to do. You have to tell Pretty Girl how you feel about her.

Shy Male: Well, I can’t do that right now.

Preppy Son: Why not?

Shy Male: She’s caught in the waters of the tsunami coming up 7th Avenue.

Preppy Son: Yeah, really too bad. The upside is if she doesn’t make it, you won’t have to tell her how you feel.

Shy Male: (Looking guilty) Then there’s that …

Pretty Girl emerges from the swirling waters of 7th Avenue.

Shy Male: Pretty Girl! You’re soaking wet! You’ve got to get inside.

Pretty Girl: No, we’ve got to keep going.

Preppy Son: Going where?

Shy Male: It’s starting to snow. We’ve got to get to high ground.

Preppy Son: Like where?

Shy Male: The New York Public Library.

They run up the steps of the library and go inside.

Pretty Girl: It’s weird. This is a high spot in the middle of Manhattan. But not that many people came here.

Shy Male: Maybe weather trauma interferes with synaptic action in the problem-solving part of the brain.

Preppy Son: Or it could be faulty scriptwriting or continuity editing.

Shy Male: Then there’s that.

 

Scene 4. 

PJoe addresses the president, vice president, cabinet, top scientists and military leaders.

 

P.J. Ladies and gentleman, just yesterday we had bowling ball-size hail in Tokyo, a snowstorm in New Delhi, a tsunami in Portugal and an earthquake in Paris. In addition, Los Angeles was wiped out by five killer tornadoes.

Vice President: Are you saying these events are linked somehow?

P.J. No, I’m saying they happened on the same day by pure chance.

Vice president: Are you saying these sorts of events will continue?

P.J. No, I think it’ll calm down any minute now.

President: So where do we stand?

P.J. All of our northern states are under several feet of snow and ice.

President: I know that. We have the Weather Channel in the White House. So what do you suggest we do?

P.J. Evacuate everyone south of the Mason-Dixon line.

President: And what about the people north of the line?

P.J. They’re dead.

President: And where should the ones in the southern states evacuate to?

P.J. South, south, south! Mexico, Central America, South America!

Vader: Great. And here I sit not knowing three words of Spanish.

President: Vader, I’ve been telling you for four years you need to learn it.

Scene 5.

PJoe answers phone.

 

Bob: Dr. Joe? This is Dr. Bob Climatologist. The president thought I should call you to talk over evacuation plans. I specialize in field theory.

PJ: What’s field theory?

Bob: It’s a theory about a man out standing in his field.

PJ: Is the field north or south of the Mason-Dixon Line?

Bob: It’s north.

PJ: That man is dead. I’m afraid this call has been a waste of time.

Bob: That’s OK. I’m in a hurry to get to the Met to see Figaro.

PJ: Don’t go to New York. It’ll just get colder. You’ll freeze to death.

Bob: Fantastic. Looks like I’m stuck with my Downton Abbey DVDs.

PJ: Wow. If we make it through this, could I borrow those some time?

Scene 6. 

Shy Male turns off cell phone. 

 

Shy Male: My dad finally got through. He said anyone who goes outside in New York is going to freeze to death.

Pretty Girl: Shy Male, you have an ethical obligation to share that information with these people.

NYPD Officer, yelling at crowd in New York Public Library: OK! Listen up! There’s an escape party walking by outside and we’ve got to join them. The ice is hard enough to walk on now. This may be our last chance to escape.

Shy Male jumps up on table; yells to crowd: Don’t go out there! It’s going to get worse. You’ll freeze to death!

Almost the entire crowd follows the officer out the front door.

Shy Male: Great. I failed utterly.

Pretty Girl: No you didn’t. Some people stayed behind.

Shy Male. Oh yeah. Two librarians and a homeless guy.

Pretty Girl: Shy Male! They’re people just like anyone else.

Shy Male: Yeah? Really? So, you plan to major in library science if you survive and make it to grad school?

Pretty Girl (blushing): Shy Male, your sense of humor really is top drawer.

Scene 7.

Three stoners are standing in a huge crowd on the American side of a border crossing.

 

Stoner Mike: This is sure a switch, bro — the Mexicans closing the border to the Americans.

Stoner Pete: Yeah. Savor the irony, dude.

Stoner Tim: The problem is they think we’re shiftless and lazy and don’t work. (Yelling at border guard in the distance). Hey, I’m not afraid to work! I work hard! Long hours!

Mike, laughing: Yeah, like the time you delivered pizza four days then got fired for not showing up the fifth day.

Tim: Dude, you know that was a special circumstance. I told you I didn’t feel like working that day, yo.

Counter Jockey Alisha joins the group.

Alisha: Hey, I just saw on my iPhone that Mexico has opened the border. The president agreed to forgive Mexican debt and eliminate all the anti-Latino laws in Arizona.

Mike: Yeah, I’m thinking if you go to Mexico and you’re from Arizona, you better be telling folks you’re from California.

Alisha: I have a feeling not everyone in Arizona got that memo.

Mike, imitating a border guard speaking into a megaphone: Sheriff Arpaio, step away from the border!

Scene 8.

VP Vader has evacuated to El Paso, where he’s taken up quarters in the mayor’s office.

 

National Security Advisor Lady Gaga: Mr. Vice President, the president tried to escape from the White House in a military motorcade. It is my sad duty to inform you that he froze to death.

Vader (struggling unsuccessfully to hide his joy at the fact he is now president): Oh, Lady Gaga, horrible … ha! … horrible loss. A tragedy in our time. Oh, God. Never before have, uh, so many been asked to lose so much for so few. Well, heh, uh. We carry on. Ha! We carry on … for brother and country. And for country! Amen! Oh! Ha! I guess I’ll have to address the nation … as president. Oh, how horrible a burden … duty in trying times. Be strong, Lady. You have my speechwriter’s cell?

Scene 9.

Shy Male and the gang are barricaded in a cold room in the New York Public Library. PJoe bursts in through the door.

 

Shy Male: Dad, what are you doing here?

PJoe: I fashioned snowshoes out of chair backs and walked on the ice all the way from Philadelphia.

Pretty Girl: But what can you possibly do for us? If you stay here, you’re just another mouth to feed. And if we leave the room, we’ll freeze.

PJoe: Not so! The ice age storm has ended. The sunlight is hitting the ice. If we go out now, there’ll be warmth and fresh water.

Shy Male: All right, Dad! Give us a few minutes to fashion snowshoes out of these volumes of New York Civil Law and we’ll start heading south.

Scene 10.

President Vader addresses the nation from his new downscale office in Mexico City.

 

President Vader: Greetings Americans and bienviendanados a Mexico! Soy Mexicano! Estudio espanol! In the last few weeks, we’ve lived through changes the likes of which we’ve never seen. The United States of America has become the United States of Texas. Most of those who survived will have to start a new life with our new, dear friends south of the border.

The changes of the last few weeks forced me to rethink my ideas about corporate influence on the citizenry. Yet, in a way, things haven’t changed that much. If my first days in Mexico have taught me anything it is that life is basically about hard work for long hours with little compensation.

News has reached me that a party of 12 survivors has been spotted walking out of New York City. As a result, I’m sending search and rescue teams all over the city. It may seem like a waste of resources for a hopeless cause. But given that we’ve lost our industry, food and finances, and I’m holed up in a foreign capitol, it’s the best I can do, believe me.

Remember, for a limited time, every American citizen who can prove his residency in accordance with the Patriot Act receives a penny discount on every bottle of Jarritos. It’s our new friends’ way of saying, “buenas dias.”

Let me close, then, by wishing America a glorious bold future under the kind auspices of our new hosts. God bless America and vaya con dios. Adios noches!

Very loosely based on the movie The Day After Tomorrow (2004).

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